Reasons You Should Probably Be Watching The Cosby Show Right Now…

You know those days where, maybe you’re off work, maybe you’re sick, or maybe you’re just having a lazy Sunday, you’re lounging around the house in your pyjamas, the fire is lit, you’re just going nowhere and that’s it. Next time you have one of those days, can I suggest you watch a load of The Cosby Show? It’s so awesome and funny and familiarly comforting.

To argue my case, I now present you with the top 5 reasons you should watch The Cosby Show…

1. Bill’s Sweaters

I’m the type of person that doesn’t really mind making a tool out of myself. Odds are, if it looks ridiculous, I’ll wear it. Proudly.

Bill Cosby’s sweaters were DA BOMB! And he maintained the sweater gnarliness (told ya I was bringin’ gnarly back) throughout the eight seasons. I mean, the Huxtables were stylish as hell. You never saw any of ‘em in the same sweater twice.

Check the twin towers sweater with the "explosions" all round!! *exorcist music"

But get this… Fun fact… ALL of those sweaters were designed by a dude called Koos Van Den Akker, a fashion designer who was very popular with the likes of Erik Estrada, Chuck Norris and Richard Simmons! Who knew?! Not I.

I think I might just go ahead and make Cosbyesque sweaters my personal style. Oooooh, I bet there’s so many winners on ebay! FUN!

If only I had more money than I have...

 

2. Claire’s Parenting

Remember the episode where Vanessa and her buddies snuck off to Baltimore to see The Wretched and they stopped in Wilmington, Delaware for donuts and then the car got stolen and then Claire and Cliff found out and it all went absolutely tits up? D’ya remember the scene in which Claire went ABSOLUTELYAPESHIT on Vanessa’s punk ass?!

Skip to 2 minutes for the rage!

I hecking LOVE when Claire Huxtable gets mad. She loses all her lawyer class and comes over all BOSS. She becomes sarcastic and adopts a “don’t fuck with me or I will end you” attitude that makes me not want to fuck with her for fear that she will consequentially end me.

3. Rudy/Olivia

In the beginning we had Rudy. She was so cute and cheeky. Rudy was for sure my favourite character on the show next to Bill himself. But then Rudy started to get older. She robbed money off Claire to buy a sweater that time. Then, in the episode, ‘The Infantry has Landed’, Rudy “jumped the shark”  (.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jumping_the_shark). She got her period. Her and Claire had a “women’s day” and we realised that little Rudy was gone forever.

But then we got Olivia! And she was waaaay cuter than Rudy ever was. That’s So Raven brought a whole new level of cuteness to the show. I can still be found selecting an episode of The Cosbys to watch based on the Olivia:No Olivia ratio. On the real. That happens.

4. Old School Celebrity Cameos

Such as Stevie Wonder, John Ritter, B.B King, Iman, Adam Sandler, Naomi Campbell, Sammy Davis Jr, a very young (and boy like Alicia Keys) and a whole host of other people that we’ve never heard of or seen before but know that they must be somebody based on the audience applause… You know, all these people:

Hey! One of those names is Sheldon Leonard! Big Bang Theory inspiration?

 

5. Just Bill/Heathcliff in general… 

From the way he really, really likes to eat, to the way he picks Olivia up by her jumper, to the way he likes to get a little friskaaay with the missus at the end of most episodes, to the way his dream is to have his kids grow up and get out of his house, to the way he likes jazz even though it’s a silly, silly genre (isn’t it though?!), to the way he thinks he’s really good at DIY, to the way he’s crazy competitive… It’d be neat if Cliff Huxtable was your dad.

 

 

Convinced? If you need one last liiiiiitle shove in the right direction (towards the nearest place you can watch The Cosby Show/place where you can buy The Cosby Show on dvd – or VHS if you’re awesome), then I invoke you to consider just the intro alone. They did seven unique versions of that intro in eight seasons. I mean, it’s playing in my head right now as I type. Sure ya couldn’t bate it with a stick! Here’s just one of them for the road…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mass… It’s Quare Boring, No?

Sooooooo, watch out! I’m not tryna be PC here. I’m just tryna be funny… Mmmmkay?

There are three main types of people in Catholic Ireland:

– Those that come from a good Catholic family and who have been in a pew in the church every Saturday night for as long as any of us can remember. The dad regularly gives out the communion. The granny has keys to the chapel. For this family, mass is still a social event and thus, they still make a bit of an effort, sporting their “good” clothes and the FULL make-up.  They also all have their own individual set of rosary beads. They bring them to the blessing of the graves for the Rosary valya.

– Those that come from a family that tries to be a good Catholic family and can be seen at mass every now and again, the mother takes occasional notions and decides to go to confessions. This family mostly still goes to mass so that they don’t get excluded from more important community things like football or The Legion of Mary. Although they’re not always at mass, they always pay their dues and the dad does the collection sometimes.

– Those that come from a family that doesn’t even try to be good Catholics. They don’t even get the envelopes for the dues anymore. This family is never at mass except for those few select occasions where if you don’t go to mass you’re for sure going to hell. Like Christmas, for example or Good Friday. But that’s fine because when they do go to mass, they just talk the whole way through the sermon and watch the clock. They’re not sure that God even exists but they still feel like they should go to mass now and again juuuuuust in case. They usually go straight to the pub after a long one.

I come from the third type of Catholic family, I’m afraid. For a while I was thinking I came from the second coz my mam, in fairness, does like to try. She’d be lighting candles for people doing their driving test and shit like that. But I couldn’t lump us all in there based on the actions of the matriarch. The rest of us make absolutely no effort whatsoever to ensure passage to heaven. We mostly prefer smut and offensive humour. I mean, it’s pretty hard to like, not sin ever.

It’s just that mass is so feckin’ boring. It wasn’t so bad about two years ago. We had a priest who obviously shared the opinion of mass being horrid long and tedious. He’d get ya in and out in around half an hour, skip the offerance of the sign of peace (my most loathe part of the whole thing) and not bother hangin’ around after for small talk with the local old ladies. Last Christmas he outdid himself when he said a mass in 15 minutes flat. His justification was that the roads were very icy and people needed to just be at home. Shhyeah, whatever! No need to apologize Father… Right, pub?

I had a discussion with a friend a while back about mass. This person comes from our first category up there. They’re at mass every week without fail. So like, they know their holy shit. We were talking about how insanely crummy it is going to mass and trying to come up with ways to make it fun. We weren’t making a mockery out of the Catholic religion, we were just trying to bring it into the 21st century.

BIG SCREENS

I’m always disappointed when I go to a concert and there’s no big screens. Sure ya need them to see what’s a haps on the stage. It’s the same with mass… Kind of.. Just, hear me out right. The chapel is always packed at Christmas (I don’t have a lot of examples to go on here) and we always arrive late. It can be tricky enough aul craic trying to find a pew. You might find one and yiz go about filing into it as people shuffle down but then find that three of yiz aren’t gonna fit. Daaaaaaamn, reverse, back-up, we’ll just stand at the back, see yiz after. But then aswell, there’s always better music at the Christmas mass. Problem is though, I never have any notion where the French it’s coming from and it’s bad manners to be twisting and tryna look all round ya at mass. If the church had big screens either side of the altar then we’d be able to settle comfortably at the back without having to worry about not being able to see Gerry McPaddyface’s reactions as he recites the 2nd reading from the Book of Isiah to the Christians or whatever. They could show the musicians on the screens so you could identify who’s doing the singing. Also, the screens could be used for like, advertising purposes. I’m not tryna commercialise mass here yo, but you could at least display the community announcements up there, you know, who won the GAA Lotto this week, what time the car boot sale will be on at on Sunday, who’ next weeks mass will be said for, that kind of thing. It’d eliminate the need for the leaflet and thus, save both paper and precious trees (Catholicism: Doing it’s part for the environment since 2012!).

COMFIER SEATING

Now, I’m not dissing the pew. The pew is… functional. You can fit like six thousand people on one of those things if everyone shuffles a little bit. But, let’s be honest, the pew is not the most comfortable seat ever. It’s cold and hard and flat and that’s tough on the butt when you’re on it for the guts of an hour. The solution? Recliners baby! How awesome would that be?! I mean, sure you’d fit less people in, but the chapel is never full anyways. The only time it poses a problem is for the special occasion masses, but don’t worry, I’ve got the answer for that too! Ticket the special masses! The church wants money off us every time we go to mass anyway, so maybe we’d give more willingly if we thought we were “buying a ticket” instead of just handing over. They could make a ton of money doing that. You could book your seat online, pay in advance. It’d be exclusive.

WEBSITE

http://www.yourlocalareamass.com

Don’t try click on that. It’s not a real link. But what I’m saying is, if mass had a website…. That’d be cool.

You could log on and see what readings are gonna be on, who the celebrity guest is gonna be (see below). It could have photo galleries called things like, “Arriving For Mass – 24th November” or “Christmas Mass Spectacular 2011”. It could have profiles for the priest and the acrobats (um, see below also). It’d just be wild handy. People would be able to plan better. Like, “No, I can’t go out ’till later ‘coz I saw on the mass website that Mickey Joe Harte’s gonna be giving out the communion tonight.” 

REFRESHMENT SERVICE

I don’t mean like in the cinema or something. I’m not suggesting that we’re served nachos and Fanta during mass. But like, it’d be nice if there was ladies going around serving tea (and scones). No priest anywhere in this country can argue with tea (and scones). It’s only natural. You know what I mean though? Like who’s gonna give out to ya for having a wee cup of tea (and a wee scone)?! No-one is! Coz it’s just never inappropriate.

ACROBATS

Imagine this. You’ve bought your ticket to mass. You’re in you’re recliner. You’ve got a cup of tea (and a scone). You’re ready to go. Suddenly, the lights go down, the generic holy background music stops, as does the chatter of the mass-goers and then… ACROBATS APPEAR ABOVE YOU ACTING OUT TODAYS READING IN A SPECTACULAR DISPLAY OF STRENGTH, AGILITY AND GRACE! Yeah, this is why you’re a Catholic.

CELEBRITY GUEST APPEARANCES

It doesn’t even have to be anyone super famous or anything. Just like,

Today’s guest Holy Communion Hander Outer, fresh from his third place finish in the X-Factor four years ago…… It’s Eoghan Quigg!!!!

And then Eoghan comes out, waving and smiling, his favourite hymn blasts out of the speakers. Cameras flash. People applaud. And then he helps hand out the communion.

Or like,

The Reading from the prophet Jeremiah will be read, via satellite, by Samuel L. Jackson

That’d be awesome.

LANGUAGE UPDATE

A Reading from the Book of Genesis: “The Lord God said, “It is not good that man should live alone. I will make him a helpmate”. So from the soil the Lord fashioned all the wild beasts and all the birds of heaven. These he brought to the man to see what he would call them; each one was to bear the name the man would give. The man gave names to all the cattle, all the birds of heaven and all the wild beasts. But no helpmate suitable for man was found for him, so the Lord made the man fall into a deep sleep. And while he slept, he took one of his ribs and enclosed it in flesh. The Lord God built the rib he had taken from the man into a woman, and brought her to the man.”

Becomes…

“God was like, “It’s weird that a dude lives by himself. I’ll make him a chick. So, from muck, Lord made all the animals. But he wasn’t sure what to call ’em. He asked man what to call ’em and yer man gave ’em all names. But none of ’em were good enough to be mans chick. So Lord knocked man the fck out. Then he broke one of his ribs and wrapped it in flesh (gross). Lord, basically, built a woman out of it and brought it to Man.”

I understand it better…

 

Look, these are tough times. People have very little. Some only have their faith. And your faith needs you. It just needs to like, try harder.

But you know, these are just ideas. I’m just throwing ’em out there. But c’mon, you know you’d go to mass more often if they were implemented! I DEFINITELY would! Like, acrobats, are you kidding me?! It’d be so awesome!!

Mr Pope sir, if you’re reading this, I mean, they’re open to interpretation. I’m available to talk about introducing them to masses around the country. Soooo, you know, page me…

Apparently The Golden Globes Went Down…

Okay so I know I’m a little tardy to the party here but I’ve only just gotten around to watching the Golden Globes. It was either that my life is so fulfilling and action packed that I just didn’t get a second to sit down and watch, or that my life is so barren and action lacked (just made that up right there, no messin’!) that I just couldn’t be bothered. In reality, it’s probably that I was far too busy watching something else, seeing as I spend most of my time staring at screens. I watched The Borrowers last Sunday… I know…

Aaaaaanyways, the Golden Globes went down. All the stars dressed up in their best Sunday mass outfits and showed up. They showed up because, as I’ve become aware over the years, the entertainment industry is one that sure loves to congratulate itself. Is not acting still just a profession at the end of the day? I mean, you don’t see plumbers getting all snazzed up and heading to the Plumbers Association Awards. What would that entail? Best Burst Pipe reparation… Best Plumber in a Crisis Situation..

“Accepting the award is John Smith of Smith And Sons Plumbing Solutions.”

“Oh God, I don’t know what to say! Thanks so much. Um, well I’d like to thank my Mam and Dad for ringing yer man from over the road and getting me an apprenticeship all those years ago. I’d like to thank Alan Smith, who has let me away with borrowing the van for personal use many a time. I’d like to thank Handy Hardware for providing me with the chain pipe vice that I used in this job. Couldn’t have done it without you. Most of all, I’d like to thank Jane Jones, the woman who didn’t insulate her pipes in the cold weather. Jane, you’re one in around five. It was a pleasure to work with you, to leave dirty footprints in your house, to drink your tea, to mend your rusty pipes. Thank you. Thank you all.”

The Golden Globes, The Oscars, The Baftas, they’re all just the acting profession equivelent of the Plumbers Association Awards (The PAAs don’t exist, except for in my mind)

No way... I stand corrected...

Ricky Gervais was the host… Again. And he seemed to  be the only one aware of just how pretentious and self-indulgent the whole thing really is. He introduced Natalie Portman and was like, “last year our next presenter won both the Golden Globe and the Oscar for her brilliant performance in Black Swan. This year she took some time out to have a baby. Consequentially she’s been nominated for nothing. Pathetic. But she’s learned that valuable lesson that all you already knew. never put family first.” 

Of course, most of the sarcastic undertones of Ricky’s gags went over the heads of the yanks who mostly just laughed when they saw Helen Mirren laugh first.

There were winners and losers. Modern Family won. I don’t watch that. Homeland won. I don’t watch that either. The winners were pretty much all from shows that I don’t watch and therefore have nothing to say about. But I’m not here to give you a rundown of the winners anyway. I’m here to make a mockery of the celebrities, which, let’s be honest, sounds way more fun. Riiiiiiiiiiiight?!

So, they were all there anyways. Reese Witherspoon looked BANGIN’!! I mean, you almost wouldn’t notice her SUPERPOINTYCHIN! Angelina Jolie looked pretty good aswell, but she still looked pretty dangerous. For someone who does so much charity work and shit, Angelina sure looks like a menacing bitch! I don’t know what it is about her exactly but she always looks like she probably has a handgun hidden in her bra in case anyone tries to breach her personal space and she knows how to use it. An honorable mention must go out to Salma Hayek who brought the twins out for the occasion.

Reese and her chin... Angelina's packin' heat... But so is Salma..

Our favourite granny-carrying ball of emotions, Kate Winslet won the award for Best Actress in a Mini Series. She wasn’t as gushy as I expected. I thought she’d throw in a few “oh God”s or at least cry a little bit, but she kept it pretty tight. Still got the embarrassing “wrap it up” music though.

Speaking of gushing, can we talk about Michelle Williams? Her acceptance speech for Best Actress in a Musical/Comedy was comprised of her going on and on about the child she has with Heath Ledger. I don’t run around thanking my brother for accomplishments I make in my job. I mean, even Ricky Gervais said, “No need to thank everyone you’ve ever met, or members of your family, who’ve done nothing!”. Heath Ledgers kid did not contribute to you winning this award Michelle Williams. Matter fact, she probably hindered your chances. You won the award despite being a mom, not coz you’re a mom… Moms eh?!

Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy presented some award, I dunno which one, but they did this: Which gains them esteemed entry into my Top Most Favouritest Celebrity Couples, alongside such pairs as: Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi, Seal and Heidi Klum, Jay Z and Beyonce, Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson (I’m feeling inspiration for a whole new blurb here!)…

Leonardo DiCaprio was there. He looked thrilled to see Scorsese win Best Director. But when Ricky was talking about Kim Kardashian the camera cut to Leo and he had a face on him that said, “I have absolutely no idea who Kim Kardashian is. I’m trying to look like I care. I’m so bored. What time is it? Is my car almost here to get me outta this kip I don’t want any of these lowly, dirty TV actors touching me.” And that’s fine because he’s Leonardo DiCaprio and he’s better than the Golden Globes. Matter fact, they should be thanking their lucky stars he bothered his arse showing up.

Speaking of showing up, where the fck was Ryan Gosling?! The man of the hour! Nominated for TWO Golden Globes! Even I’m a Ry Goz convert. Like, I’d DEFINITELY shift Ryan Gosling (and that’s despite the fact that he’s not conventionally good-looking and he speaks with that weird New York/Bostony kind of accent even though he’s totally from Canada, whatthefuckisthatabout?!). But there was no sign of him at the Globes. You’re not Leo DiCaprio, Ryan. You get nominated for TWO Golden Globes, . you should prolly show up. Maybe he was too cool for the Globes just like he was too cool for that TIME magazine award for being the Coolest Person of The Year. Can you imagine being that cool?! Man it must be cool to be Ryan Gosling… Cool.

Sidney Poitier did a tribute to Morgan Freeman. Sidney Poitier is a very old man. As a result of this the tribute resembled a very boring reading during mass recited by the 84 year-old man from down the road and thus, natural reaction meant I kind of zoned out and thought about other things until he was done talking. I do know though, that Morgan Freeman was wearing only one glove (What.. thefuck?) and that when he said, “It may be known as the Cecil B. DeMille Award but in my house it will always be known as the Sidney Poitier award” , I actually thought Sidney was dead on his feet. Absolutely no reaction. Like, I thought maybe someone should just check his pulse real quick.

Sad Boy - Better Than You Boy - Poor Boy - Lovely Boy

Not a whole pile else happened really. Owen Wilson was there. ‘Midnight In Paris’ was up for Best Picture. Ah god love him. It’s hard for Owen to find his place in the Hollywood scene after the whole “trying to kill himself” thing happened. He’s too well known as a comedy actor to play serious roles but we can’t enjoy him in comedies anymore because we know that he’s not a happy-go-lucky scamp at all. He’s a very damaged man. Shit, what if Luke becomes the higher earning Wilson brother!? No, seriously, it’s nice Owen got nominated at least. Might lift his wee spirts a bit.

Oh, can I also just say, I’m ever so pleased that Matt LeBlanc won Best Perfomance in a Television Series! I was feeling a bit sorry for poor Matt of late. The work had kind of dried up after ‘Joey’ got cancelled. He got a bit fat and grey. Him and the wife divorced. He was just a bit pathetic. So I’m glad to see him get some validation. Makes me feel like we’re less likely to read a story about him being found floating in a swimming pool somewhere. Even Matts acceptance speech seemed a bit melancholic and self-deprecating. When thanking the writers he said, “They write a Matt LeBlanc that’s way more interesting than the real thing. I wish I was him”. Awwww, poor Matt LeBlanc.

Other highlights of the show were:

– The Dog from The Artist joining the rest of the cast onstage to collect the award for Best Picture and doing some tricks! He looked a lot like Eddie from Frasier. Member him? Maybe it is Eddie! Maybe after Frasier wrapped he went on and followed his dream to be a movie star and now he’s made it! Damn, if only they’d cut to Kelsey Grammar at that exact moment, we’d have had our answer.

(EDIT: Eddie from Frasier is dead.. Boo! http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,1208083,00.html)

– Queen Latifah bringing some sleaze to the Globes. Bitch Queen L is so muthafuckin’ hood that dress prolly made outta her cash!

– Mark Wahlberg looking like he’d rather be anywhere else. Just like he constantly does. I’d say he is a massive drag to be around. Every party has a pooper and the pooper is Mark Wahlberg.

–  Jake Gyllenhaal brought his lovely self out to present an award. Nout wrong with a bit of Jake Gyllenhaal upon an awards show.

So yeah. Then Ricky Gervais ended the show with, “I hope you enjoyed the goodie bags and the champagne and the gold. I hope it took your mind off the recession for a little while. Thanks. Good night.”, and then everybody went and got bananas… Except for Mark Wahlberg. He prolly just went home.

FULL!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wikipedia, I Almost Love You Enough to Donate!

So I was just about to go on to Wikipedia there to look up Ryan Goslings’ filmography. I’m trying to work my way through his back catalogue, decide if I fancy him or not (I think I do).

So that was fine, except then wikipedia was all:

But.... No....

Blacking out Wikipedia? For 24 hours? But… I have so many questions…

I tried to “Learn more” but then it was really long and boring and all about legislation and crap I don’t really care about so I gave up.

I knew that I shouldn’t panic. “You can just use IMDb to get Ryan Gosling’s filmography.” I told myself. I’d be horrid resourceful like that. So I went to IMDb… ‘All Good Things’ (2010), okay, that might work for my next choice. Who else is in it? Kirsten Dunst. Kirsten Dunst still gets work?! Well good for her. She looks pretty haggard these days I thought, but no, good for her. She tries. But I wonder who she’s dating these days. Last I heard it was yer man from Razorlight (with the face… Johnny Borrell!). Aaaaand BOOM! I’m in a question trap! Wikipedia would usually tell me these things. I don’t have time to traipse all over google trying to find out who Kirsten Dunst is dating! I’m not that interested. My curiosity has a two click limit.

So then I got to thinking about how much I actually use Wikipedia. It was pretty eye opening. That is to say, it opened my eyes to all the ABSOLUTE NONSENSE I try to find out about. I made a list of some of the highlights of my Wiki travels. Then I got embarrassed about it. But then I thought, “You’re the only one who knows about this. You can’t be embarrassed.” So, for no other reason than to justify my shame, Imma go ahead and share the list with you. These are all things I legit looked up on wikipedia for one reason or another within the past month:

• Meet The Parents (One of my all-time favourite movies, no joke!)
• Eddie Murphy (I wanted to find out if he was still disowning Mel B’s baby)
• Pixar
• MoneyBART (Simpsons episode)
• Mongolia, which led me to Ulan Bator, which led me to Chinggis Khaan Airport, which led me to MIAT Mongolian Airlines (I had watched a TV show where they were in Mongolia)
• Street Art
• Compton, California – Crenshaw, California (I’d been watching Spike Lee movies)
• Staffordshire Bull Terrier
• Fugu (I can’t even pretend to have a proper reason for looking this up)
• Christmas Albums By Year
• Kevin Costner
• Afghanistan
• Academy Award For Best Feature
• Walt Disney Parks and Resorts (I was tryna find out how you can get a job as a Disney princess)
• Zooey Deschanel
• List of the Big Bang Theory Characters – Jim Parsons
• ZipRealty (I was probably pretending I was a millionaire and looking for real estate in the US)
• Michael Alig
• Uncontacted Peoples – Kombai – Sentinalese People – Autonomous Regions of India
• Harvey Keitel
• Bananas (Just how nutritious are they?)
• Human Penis Size (Okay, hear me out… My friend and I were talking about whether or not dwarves have regular penises or dwarf penises – they have regular ones, thank you Wikipedia)
• Recursion
• Tumblr – David Karp
• List of Medieval Weapons – List of Premodern Combat Weapons – Personal Weapon – Sword (I was thinking about getting beat up and I figured it’d be much better to get beat up nowadays than it would have been way back when, what with weapon and law evolution and that. Like, it’d be shit to die by the sword! I’d much rather get shot (DON’TANYBODYSHOOTME!!!)).
• The Mexican
• Air France Flight 4590 (Were any celebrities onboard? … No, thank god/damn!)
• Morphology (I have no idea what morphology is but it’s in my browsing history)
• Edwards Air Force Base (Do fighter squadrons operate out of Edwards? I can’t remember the answer… Prolly not.)
• Orchidaceae (I’d watched ‘Adaptation’)
• Milton, Massachusetts (I pretty much yearn to live in suburban America)
• Kelly Clarkson
• 2006 New York City Plane Crash – Cory Lidle – 2009 Hudson River Mid-Air Collision
• Beaver Falls (TV Series)
• 2010 Haiti Earthquake
• Low-Cost Carriers – Lauda Air – Jet Blue – Virgin Atlantic Airways – American Airlines – Air Canada – Al Nippon Airways – Emirates
• Aurora Borealis
• David Letterman – Jay Leno – Jimmy Kimmel – Sarah Silverman
• David Grant USAF Medical Center (No idea why…)
• Carrot (Do they really help you see in the dark? And just why do horses love them so much?)
• List of Fictional Mice or Rats (I got a mouse-themed Christmas decoration and wanted to give the included mice iconic names… I went for Fievel and Tanya Mousekewitz in the end).
• Keypoint, New Jersey (Again, dreaming the suburban dream)

So yeah, that’s mortifying. But it also tells me that maybe I should stop looking up pointless information online and go sort out my life. Maybe I should move to another country or something. I like the idea of Vancouver. I could go running along the seawall. I wonder how long the seawall is. DAMNIT!!!

Yeah, I’ve got a problem.

But then you’re the one who just spent time reading a list of things that someone else has looked up on Wikipedia. Sooooo, who’s the bigger eegit?!… (Prolly still me).

Let’s Talk About Banksy coz We’re Super Cool and Artsy…

Wait! Before you go any further I feel that I must offer some kind of warning. If you haven’t seen ‘Exit Through The Gift Shop’ and you plan on it, you probably shouldn’t read any more of this article. Imma try not to spoil any major plotlines here but I can’t guarantee, so… Heads up!

I watched that film, ‘Through The Gift Shop’ by Banksy last night. It was actually pretty good. Alls I knew about it was that it was nominated for an Oscar and that there’s speculation that it’s all a big hoax by Banksy.

Usually I find it disappointing when I find out that things I believe in are bogus. Like ‘Catfish’. I watched that under strict instructions not to do any research beforehand. And I really liked it. When Nev and the gang landed at yer ones’ house I was fairly certain that some INTENSE SHIT WAS GONNA GO DOWN!!! In hindsight, what actually went down was relatively tame when compared with what I was expecting (I dunno, like Nevs’ mam in a shallow grave or some shit). But anyway, that’s still a good movie. I’ve watched it several times since and still enjoy it. Anyways, the first time, I did what I always do after I watch a movie and that’s to go and look it up online, find out when and where and how and why these films are made. And I find out that there’s mass speculation that ‘Catfish’ was a hoax. You know, they’re saying that it all just worked out too well for it to be real. Like why were they filming Nevs’ Facebook use so early on? It just all played out so nicely. I dunno, maybe it is a hoax, maybe they just got lucky with how it all went down. I still maintain that ‘Catfish’ is a great watch, but it’s definitely disappointing to have the seed of doubt planted.

Anyways, so it’s the same kind of deal with ‘Exit Through The Gift Shop’. It’s a documentary about this guy, Thierry Guetta (No relation to David, unfortunately) who films everything and then he gets involved in and subsequently obsessed with street art. He starts to make a film about it, discovers Banksy and makes a film. But Banksy thinks his film is shit and ends up turning the camera on Guetta as he strives to make a name for himself as an artist.

J'aime les baguettes et danser dans la bibliotheque avec ma moustache!

All in all it’s pretty interesting stuff. I was intrigued by Banksy anyway, which is why I watched the film in the first place. So afterwards, I planted by butt in front of the computer to do a bit of research. And I find out what? That there’s mass speculation that the whole film is a massive hoax by Banksy.

But instead of being disappointed at the thought of being conned by another documentary, the notion that it might be fake just intrigues me even more. I mean, is Banksy just a lucky vandal or is he actually an out and out genius? I’m leaning for  the latter.

The suspicion is that Thierry Guetta (or Mr. Brainwash, if you will) is just a ruse for Banksy himself; that he got this guy to act as Mr. Brainwash and that Banksy actually created all the artwork himself. Like with ‘Catfish’, the story works out very well. This guy just happens to film everything. He just happens upon street art. He just happens to get hooked up with Banksy. Banksy just happens to allow him to be the first ever person to film him at work. Thierry just happens to be a very comical and exaggerated Frenchman. It all just happens to go down in such a way that it makes a great documentary.

Banksy as he appears in the film... Good one..

The truth is, I really don’t care if this one is a fake. Roger Ebert reviewed this movie and said, “The widespread speculation that “Exit Through The Gift Shop” is a hoax only adds to its fascination.”

Thing is though, I don’t know if Banksy is actually all that. Now, don’t get me wrong. I think his work is inspired. He knows how to make a blatant statement and there’s no denying that his images are iconic. But there’s also no denying that the images he creates are pretty similar to those of the French street-artist who came before him, Blek Le Rat.

In the film we see Mr. Brainwash creating a mind-blowingly successful art show without once actually making a piece himself. He comes up with the idea and then he hires people to make it happen. I was watching it thinking, “Sure I could do that.” (But then I tend to think that about a lot of art.) Mr. Brainwash took the idea from Banksy and Banksy took it from Blek Le Rat.

Blek - Banksy - Mr. Brainwash

See, the fing wot makes Banksy so crazy fascinating, for me anyway, is his elusiveness. He’s been defacing properties around the world for a long time now. But we still don’t know who he is. His identity has remained a secret through triumph and controversy. And that has earned him a cult status. It makes him intriguing. The less we know of him, the more we want.

I think that if we knew who Banksy was we wouldn’t have half as much interest in his work. It’s his status as an anonymous renegade that makes him so hip. Over the years there has been vast speculation over his identity. Various photos have emerged claiming to show the real Banksy. Problem is, Banksy himself has had absolutely nothing to say about it. No comment. And less we get confirmation from the man himself, we’re non the wiser. All he has to do to protect himself is deny, deny, deny. Genius.

Banksy?

I like to think that it’s not a case of him being so good that noone’s ever caught him working, but rather, that after going anonymously for this long, there’s enough respect for Banksy that people (that’s us!) will keep his secret. Like, I reckon that if I was ambling down the street and I happened across Banksy, spray can and stencil in hand, that I wouldn’t tell. Actually, you’d feel a bit epic wouldn’t ya?! Like you were part of some awesome club of people who know who Banksy is. That’d be cool.

On one hand we desperately want to know who the renegade master is but on the other, we know that if we had a face to put to the art, the intrigue would be lost, Banksy would no longer be “the elusive Banksy” and we’d be left with just another pop culture artist like Shepard Fairey or Mr. Brainwash himself.

And that’s why the film is so captivating. Maybe it is real. Or maybe it’s just another genius piece of work concocted by the man who’s been having the last laugh since the 1990s. Either way, I like not knowing who Banksy is. I like not knowing if ‘Exit Through The Gift Shop’ is real or not and I like the comfort that comes with knowing that Banksy is out there somewhere, making a mockery of us all with his superior intelligence.

Eazy, Breezy, Beautiful…

I’m having a bit of a conflict of emotions. You know Chris Brown?

I’m talking about the very first one there: American entertainer (Born 1989), American R&B singer. Well, I mean, Chris Brown is a bad man, right? First, he did this to Rihanna:

Then he got in trouble for saying, “ya’ll niggers is gay” to paparazzi TWICE! Aaaaaand then he went on Good Morning America where he was questioned about what he did to Rihanna (see above) and then apparently went apeshit bananas backstage over it all.

So, Chris Brown is a jerk. I think we can all agree on that one. He’s a spoilt brat who got rich and famous at a young age and has an ego rivalled only by Kanye “word-slingin’ muthafuckin’ genius” West.

But the problem, my friends, is this: Breezy’s got the skills to pay those bills!

After the whole Beating The Metaphorical Shit Out Of Rihanna debacle, I was emphatic about my feelings for Mr Brown. I came over all principled and was all, “any man who’ll lay hands on you once will do it again!” and “Well, I’ll tell you this much, his career is over!”  I swore to John Candy that I wouldn’t be tolerating any of this cocky little thugs’ music ever again.

But then…

Damnit Janet! I’m tryin’ to hate this kid! What a tune! After that came ‘Yeah 3x’ and ‘Beautiful People’ and ‘Look At Me Now’ and ‘Next 2 You’ (with the crazy expensive looking video).

Breezy has been doing some serious damage control in the most awesomest way possible; through the medium of music.

Like, he’s clearly still a tool. Chris Brown literally thinks the sun shines out of his ass. He’s absolutely unapologetic for his general bad behaviour and demonstrates this with consistency. He never ever learns his lesson and he’s got a swagger to cripple nations. Except now, influenced and very probably brainwashed by the gnarliness (I’m bringing ‘gnarly’ back) of the tunes, I kinda like that he’s a little prick. I enjoy an exaggerated character. I take amusement in misbehaviour. These are possibly issues I need to take up with my therapist (Note-To-Self: move to America and get a therapist).

Obviously, I don’t condone bad behaviour / I kiiiiiinda do when it’s for comic effect, but, you know, it’s hard to hate on someone who dance like this:

See, I can’t dance for shit so I’m super impressed by people who can!

I really want to hate Chris Brown. He ticks all the boxes. He’s violent. He’s cocky. He’s rude. He’s ignorant. He’s pretentious. He’s egotistical.  But I just can’t do it. I mean, even Joe Jonas said that he’s “such a talented dude” and we all know that a Jonas Brother wouldn’t tell us a lie.

It’s the same with Jamie Foxx. He’s an awful bastard. There’s nothing sweet about Jamie. You just know that he lives in a big fuck-off mansion somewhere and he hangs out there smoking cigars and weed, shagging ridiculously good-looking women and generally acting like a total prick. But hey! I aint hatin’! I’m a Jamie Foxx fan. Why?… Because  he is also in possession of the cababilities to ensure that the bills are paid.

Jamie is an actor (Ray, Jarhead, Collateral, etc), a comedian, a singer, he hosts his own radio show. He’s a jack-of-all-trades and gosh darn it, wouldn’t ya know, he’s really good at all of them! I mean, sure he said that black people just lent Michael Jackson to white people, and sure he said that Miley Cyrus was a white bitch and should do some heroin and catch chlamydia, but like, he also did this:

And let’s be honest, sure ya couldn’t fault that. It’s even got Jake “SEX” Gyllenhaal in the video. So like, if Jake Gyllenhaal liked him enough to be in Jarhead with him AND be in his music video then he’s gotta have some saving grace in his personality. It’s probably that, when he’s not being a racist bastard, he’s being a funny bastard. Everyone likes a funny bastard.

Lookit, the whole point of this post is just to try and justify being a Chris Brown fan for myself really.

“Yeah he’s a domestic abuser buuuut…” 

Bottom line is that I need to stand up and accept it. I need to be proud and say MY NAME IS HOLLY AND I LIKE CHRIS BROWN.

And you do aswell a little bit don’t ya?!…. Don’t ya?!…. Yeah ya do! Good for you! High Five!

But who's the bigger bastard?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Animal Story That Most Melted My Heart This Week…

I’m a true animal lover but I have an ESPECIALLY large place in my heart for the canines.

I’m a professional (term used loosely) dog lover and a lifelong dog owner and my cold, black heart can be reduced to warm, gooey mush with a tale (tail!) of a heroic pooch or a loyal pup.

My pooch in a cap! Awwww I could kiss that little snout all day long! Woof!

 

I never cry at movies. But ‘Marley and Me’ got me bad. I went to see it in the cinema with my best friend, who is also a dog lover. When it ended we had to make a swift exit before the lights were turned up so that nobody could tell that we were two grown women SOBBING our eyes out in the cinema over a fictional dead dog.

It wasn’t just that the dog had died (sorry if ya haven’t seen it. But if ya haven’t, it’s probably best that ya don’t anyway coz, well, the dog dies.), no, it was that I know what every “dog person” knows and that is that there’s no pain quite like the pain you feel when you lose your best canine buddy.

My best guy, Abbey, in the pic up above there, is 11-years-old this year. That’s 77 in dog years. Every year that passes I think about his mortality a little more frequently, as much as I try not to. I swear when his time comes I will need time off work to try to come to terms with it, not even joking. I’ve got a little lump welling in my throat just thinking about it. Our dogs just simply mean that much to us.

So, the Animal Story That Most Melted My Heart this week is this one:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2085112/Kevin-Bacon-says-goodbye-beloved-dog-Paulie.html

Aside from the fact that I love Kevin Bacon in general, I love that he loved his dog. And I love that he’s heartbroken over its’ death (in an “awwwww” kind of way, not in a “mwahahaha” kind of way).

I don’t have that much else to say about it except that it’s really sad and I feel for the Bacon on this one.

RIP Paulie Bacon (of Kevin Bacon ownership fame)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Celebrity Big Brother (So Far) Awards…

It’s only been on our screens for a week and already it’s must-see TV. Oh yes, I’m talking about Celebrity Big Brother again! And so, for no good reason, I bring you a selection of the ‘So Far On Celebrity Big Brother’ awards, as invented by and voted for by yours truly. “But why only a selection?”, I hear you say. Well, mostly because each one of these categories takes around half an hour to make up and type out humorously and it’s like, almost midnight anseo, so I’ll bring you more another time. For now, make do please!

Most Likeable (so far): Sonia from Eastenders
Member that time when I was like, “I think Sonia will do a Kerry Katona on this one.”?! Imma go ahead and reiterate that.
Noone was rooting for poor ol’ Natalie a week ago. In fact, when she first went in I was kiiiiinda hoping she’d fall, just for cheap laughs. But fall Sonia did not. No, instead Sonia has spent the past week being kind, humble, funny and so generally up for a laugh that one has to wonder what went through her baby daddy’s mind that time he hammered her with a slipper (true story: http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2011/05/31/natalie-cassidy-s-fiance-adam-cottrell-admits-assaulting-her-with-a-slipper-115875-23169385/).
She did that task on the first night where she had to make a bolox of herself by doing whatever BB instructed her to do, she admitted to being constipated (probably TMI but kudos for the honesty), she ingeniously stole Michael Madsen’s hat for the Jedward task and she proved she’s not two-faced when she told Andrew ‘very straight’ Stone, in the nicest display of blatant honesty about someone’s bratty behaviour ever, that she felt horrible energies off him after the nominations were announced.
We like Natalie coz she’s just like us. The difference being that actually, she’s better than us because, while most of us try to hide our true selves by adopting “cool” quirks or pretending to be totally into abseiling or some shit, Natalie doesn’t do that. She’s in there and, as far as this blogger can tell, she’s just being Natalie, warts and all.

You Go Sonia!

Least Likeable (so far): Nicola McLean
I was going to give this award to Frankie but Nicola swooped in at the last minute and nabbed the prize. Why? Coz she’s a fuckin’ bitch!
We all know a girl like Nicola. She’s the girl that has always been pretty but has never been very popular. She’s the girl that other girls hate. She gets on really well with guys but has very few female friends. She secretly longs for acceptance from her own species but also goes out of her way to alienate them. She just looooooves male attention and doesn’t appreciate when other girls have it instead of her.
Nicola seems to start most sentences with, “I’m not being a bitch but…”. Yeah right! So she wasn’t being a bitch when she said of Georgia, “There’s nothing about her.”? I’m not being a bitch but… clearly Nicola is the way she is because she has no absolutely self-esteem. I’m not sure going into that house is the best thing for her to be honest.

Most Suprising (So Far): Michael Madsen
I don’t know what I was expecting from Michael in the beginning but it certainly wasn’t what we got. He’s like, super witty and perceptive! Every time Michael opens his mouth I’m like, “yeeeeeeaah! You totally just called that shit Mr. Blonde!”.
After Natalie and Denise secretly robbed his cowboy hat to give to Jedward the other day, Natasha asked Michael had he found it yet. Michael said,
“I stopped looking for it. If someone took it as a joke then I don’t really give a shit and if I just misplaced it then I’ll probably find it.”
Right on Michael Madsen, right on. He’s like the most laid-back muthafucka in there, just sitting back, shades on, making the most astute judgements on everyone and everything in there.
And how awesome was it when Andrew was all like, “aw I’ve really connected with people in here, especially Michael.” And then Michael nominated him with the reason, “coz he’s a fuckin’ spy!”!? Poor Andy ‘very straight’ Stone thought that they were vibin’, thought that they had a blossoming friendship, thought maybe he could get in with Mr. Blonde and get a role or two. NAH! Mr. Blonde thinks Andy’s a fuckin’ spy! Aw ya just couldn’t write this shit!

Coz he's a fuckin' spy!

Most Hilarious (So Far): Andrew Stone
Andrew ‘very straight’ Stone is, in his own words, “TV gold!”! On the first night I really thought I’d hate Andrew. And in many ways, I do. But, at the same time, Andrew is nothing short of hilarious to watch, in the same kind of way that it’s hilarious to watch fat people falling off things. I dunno if I mentioned this yet but Andrew is very straight. And, for someone who likes the bush, he’s outrageously camp (and as we all know, you just can’t camp in the bush!) and theatrical.
When Natalie nominated him she cited “delusions of grandeur” as one of her reasons. Like, she couldn’t have been more on the money. This guy legit seems to think that he is a huge star, that he’s been around the block, lived a tough life and should be adored by all. All perfectly valid reasons for nominating him but gosh it sure makes for quality entertainment.
Without Andy’s delusions of grandeur he would never have said things like:
“I’m a very big character and I don’t believe anyone could find out who Andrew Stone is in two days.”
Or
“I’ve been very, very, very giving, very loving and very funny.”
Or
“I KNOW my music stuff.”
Although he insisted he was absolutely fine with being nominated, he sulked like a ten-year-old who’s been told they can’t go on their school tour afterwards. When Natalie came forward and told him that he had scared her with his stomping around in the bedroom he COMPLETELYTURNEDTHATSHITAROUND and made her feel bad for saying anything!
And so it appears that the formula for being hilarious on’tellay is as follows: Closeted gay male (delusions of grandeur + amateur dramatics) x Ego (tantrums + denial)
Sidenote: Since I began working on this post our favourite very straight male has been evicted from the Big Brother house. He left the house in a carriage pulled by a white mini pony wearing a little unicorn horn (I swear to god I’m not making this shit up yo!). I guess that makes this award (kinda) posthumous.

QUICKFIRE CATEGORIES:

Least Relevant (So Far): Romeo – The only thing I recall Romeo doing so far is climbing up the ladder in the garden for that first task. C’mon dude! You’re supposed to be the badass heartthrob in there! Step yo game up son!
Dumbest (So Far): Kirk Norcross – It seems a bit moot to use the term “So Far” for this award because Kirk Norcross is the guy who, when asked to pinpoint America on a map of the world, put the pin in Eastern Russia.
Best Effort (So Far): Gareth Thomas – Looks can be deceiving and Gareth is the proof. I thought that Gareth would be a wee bit estranged from the rest of the group. He’s a sports star and seems like a pretty subdued guy. I thought he’d sit back and watch while the others went mad. But did you see him when Andrew was giving them a dance class?! He was the best dancer there!! He gave it proper socks! Kudos to you Gazza my man, kudos!
Finest Bod (So Far): Probably the toughest one to call. Well we all know who it’s NOT going to be (Ahem, Denise, Natalie, Michael, Frankie).
There’s Georgia, but I feel like her body might be just lucky. Like, I reckon Georgia has never seen the inside of a gym. She’s just blessed. So she’s out.
Then there’s Nicola, but she’s admitted that she’s had “eating problems”, so straight away she’s out for setting a bad example.
Romeo’s rockin’ some impressive abs and proved he can do more than one push-up. But we’ve seen so little of Romeo, I just can’t hand this one to him.
Karissa and Kristina have asses that just wont quit!! They also did pretty well in the fitness challenge. We’ve seen them working out in the gym.
But no, even the Playboy twins don’t have anything on the winner of the Finest Bod (So Far) award. It’s only Gareth Thomas! Okay so maybe this is the second ‘So Far’ award he’s received tonight and maybe that’s not completely fair, but it wouldn’t be fair to give this one to anyone else. Gazza is CLEARLY the fittest person in that house. He’s like a gazelle on the treadmill. I mean, he’s gotta have no more than 3% body fat. He’s just a big gay Adonis!

Daaaaaaamn Gazza! Yo abs look tight as fuck!

 

I dunno. I thought this years’ line up was kinda shitty but now I’m sort of changing my mind. I just hope that it doesn’t go downhill now that Andy Stone has frolicked, limp wrested, off back into the real world. They could always send in Lindsay Lohan… PLEASESENDINLINDSAYLOHAN!!

So today, while…

So today, while doing my daily rounds of the news websites (mostly hunting for good celebrity gossip / cute animal stories –http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45889868#.Twt5j6Wr9D0 , if you’re interested), I came across this story on The Daily Mail:

 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2084258/Eloise-Hutchinson-1-3m-lottery-win-Teenager-vows-carry-working-Co-op-checkout.html

 The story is about a 19-year-old girl ,Eloise Hutchinson, from Essex in England who won the lottery. £1.3 million, to be exact. The main bullet point of the story is that Eloise plans to continue with BOTH her jobs, one as a self-employed mobile beauty therapist and one as a cashier at her local Co-Op.

 Gooooooood one!

 I don’t play the lottery here very often. Mostly because I never win. Every now and then, I get a bit “psychic”. Like I’ll have days where I see two magpies on the roof and then I have to slow down to let a black cat cross my path on my way to work and then I hear an ad on the radio telling me to play the lotto so then I feel all cocky and lucky and away with me to the shop to buy a €4 quickpick, FULL sure that I’m going to win! Also, on these days I don’t tell anybody that I’ve played because I convince myself that that’ll jinx it and I won’t win. I know. I’m such a ridiculous person really.

 I had one of those days there on Saturday. I was 99% sure that 2012 was gonna be my year. This was my time. I was feeling lucky. So I bought my quickpick (My lazy refusal to even pick my own numbers should immediately disqualify me, if we’re honest. How badly can I want it really if I can’t be bothered to choose the digits?). Guess what?!?!… I won €1… Thanks a lot. The ticket cost me €4 like. Not to sound unappreciative or anything but, I mean, what if this win is my win quota* for this year? I’m not a crazy competition lady or anything but when I play, I play to win and, if I’m honest, I’d rather not win at all and save it all up for the jackpot than be insulted with “Congratulations!You’re a winner!” over €1. Seriously, I’d look like some loser going into a shop to collect my €1 prize wouldn’t I!?

“Yeah, I won a euro. Can I just exchange it for a €1 All Cash, please?”

Or I could just tattoo “I DRINK IN THE AFTERNOON” on my forehead (I don’t, just to clarify)…. (Or do I??)… (Only on special occasions).

 Anyways, the story about Eloise Hutchinson winning the lotto and planning on keeping her two shitty jobs should have warmed my black heart. But it didn’t. It just blackened my black heart a little more. Probably mostly because I’m so jealous I could box her in the throat. But also because, idiots like that don’t deserve that kind of money.

Bitch, you’ve just won the lotto! Are you Forrest Gump?! You’re going to  continue working at a cash register at your local Co-Op and you’re going to continue working as a mobile beauty therapist? Well, that’s just fantastic. Did you drop out of school at a young age by any chance, Eloise?

 Here’s a quote from the article,

“Miss Hutchinson has also said she wont be splashing out on an expensive new car. Instead, she is looking for a new Fiesta and will be giving her sister, Sophie, her battered old one worth £700.”

 *Clears throat. Okay, The new Fiesta is not a bad car. But you’ve WON THE FUCKING LOTTO, HELLO!! BUY A GODDAMN SUPERCAR!!!! Also, if my sister won the lotto and then tried to fob me off with her £700 used and “battered” car, I’d drive it onto a pier and let off the handbrake, just sayin’.

 “Perhaps in an indication of just how level-headed she his, Miss Hutchinson went out for a celebration dinner with Mr Heard and two friends – and he picked up the tab.”

 Wait there’s more,

 “Mr Heard, who works as a waiter said: ‘I did not mind paying – it was my treat, it cost me just over £60, I am just so pleased for Eloise. It could not have happened to a nicer person.”

 Mr Heard is her boyfriend, a waiter, clearly just as educated as Eloise herself. So, this chick, this “level headed”, lottery winning chick, let her (presumably) broke boyfriend pay for the celebratory dinner EVEN THOUGH (not even that she just won the lotto) IT ONLY COST £60?! What a stingy basssssstard she must be! I’d advise him to dump her ass post haste but c’mon, your spouse wins £1.3million, where are ya goin’? Nowhere, that’s where! You’re stickin’ around!

“Suuuuuure I’ll pay for dinner honey. I love you so much you know. I’m so glad you won this money. You deserve it. You’re so smart and pretty and thin. Can I carry your purse? You’ll remember that I loved you before you were a millionaire won’t you? One of those winning numbers was my birthday after all.”

Listen, I’m not trying to be a bastard / it’s all I know, I just think that it’s the responsibility of those who are lucky enough to win copious amounts of money to do and buy extravagant things. Most of us are never going to be so fortunate. We need people like Eloise the Eegit to live amazing lives so that we can base our dream on something.

 If I won the lotto, I’d be tipping around in a Lamborghini. I’d be riding thoroughbred horses. I’d be holidaying in Las Vegas, summering in Cabo and flying home occasionally to check on the construction of my massive gated mansion! There would be no meaningless banter with people from behind a till in a supermarket. I wouldn’t even shop in a supermarket. Matter fact, I probably wouldn’t shop anywhere. My hired goons would do all that for me. I’d have Bon Jovi perform at my birthday party. I’d have Eminem perform at my “It’s Thursday!” Party and hire Justin Bieber to dress like a dog and crawl around on his hands and knees at my “I-Just-Had-A-Nap-And-Now-Feel-Energised” party.

 But you know what I mean? If you’ve been blessed, you should make the most of it. Go see the world, experience life in a way that none of the rest of us will ever have the opportunity to do. Some call Eloise humble. I just call her ungrateful.

 That is all. 

 

*I believe that we all have a “win quota” for shit like the lottery and competitions and whatnot. So, basically I’m like, if you win a few different little things like, I dunno, a tenner here or a few dvds there, then you’re less likely to scoop a big prize when the chance might arise. You’ve filled your “win quota”. But if you never win, then surely, somewhere along the line, a big win will come your way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Celebrity Big Brother’s Back On Telly Yo!

Reality TV lovers rejoice! Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens! As usual there’s a lot of people giving out about it. Geez guys, if you don’t want to watch it, don’t watch it. I don’t understand these people who decide they hate something because that’s the “cool” thing to do. I know of one person who watches ‘Jersey Shore’ religiously. This person is also dedicated to ‘The Only Way Is Essex’, ‘Geordie Shore’, ‘Fade Street’ and ‘The X Factor’. Yet, the other day, this person was tweeting about how they were going to watch Celebrity Big Brother and felt ashamed. Um, really? Why, because BB lacks the street cred of the scripted reality shows you prefer? I’m not ashamed to be a BB fan. I’ve been watching since its inception ten years ago. Way back when poor ol’ Craig gave his winnings to his Downs Syndrome friend and Nasty Nick wrote some names on a piece of paper, making him the most hated man in Britain (D’uh!).

So yeah, I, for one, am delighra to have Big Brother back for three whole weeks. When it ends I always have a bit of an empty feeling inside. Like my friends have been to stay and now they’ve left and I’m at a bit of a loss. Then I get over it and get on with my life, but it’s always nice to have ’em back a year later, albeit with different names… and faces… and personalities.

So who has Channel 5 lined up for us this  year?

Andrew Stone

Did anyone watch the latest episode of ‘Kourtney And Kim Take New York’ where The Hump was all obsessed with Jonathan’s sexuality and wouldn’t believe he was straight? Well, BB seems to have adopted that storyline for it’s own with Andrew Stone. Andrew is a singer in the band Starman (yeah, know them well, they’re my fave!) who are responsible for such hits as…. oh wait, no. My mistake. They have no hits. They’re not even signed. He’s also a dancer who appeared on the reality show, ‘Pinapple Dance Studios’ with the most irritating man in the world ever, Louie Spence.

Anyways, in ‘Kourtney and Kim Take New York’, when Hump was all up in Jon’s sexuality, Simon weighed in and was all like, “I was outed when I was young and it was the worst experience of my life.” So, I’m not gonna go on and on about Andrew Stone’s sexuality here. According to him (in a convo with Romeo in the garden when Romeo assumed he was gay), he’s not just straight, he’s very straight.  Okaaaaaaaaaaay Andy, if you say so. 

Denise Welch

I literally have nothing interesting to say about Denise Welch. She’s one of ITV’s Loose Women. She used to be in Coronation Street. Now she’s on Celebrity Big Brother. I assume they put her in there in the hope that she’d take on the mother role or something, but already I can see that it’s not gonna be the case. Denise was the last one to bed on the first night, up partying with the boys, which you’d think might earn her a few cool points, but you could tell that the boys were like, “fuck away off Denise, you’re old and square and embarrassing.” You know when you go to a family occasion and your mam has one too many glasses of wine and starts asking people if they think she’s a good person and over-insisting that she was wild in her day while trying to be “down with the kids” (Or is that just my mam?)? That’s what Denise Welch brings to the table. I mean, sure, she’ll be good for dropping a few question bombs on the other celebrities, but other than that, I reckon she’ll just be a square. Likeable, but totally lame. 

Frankie Cocozza

The inclusion of Frankie in this years’ line-up actually just makes me mad. Frankie is 18-years-old. He appeared on the X-Factor last year with ne’er a bit of talent to his name, somehow got through based on his “bad boy” antics, won the hearts of easily influenced teen girls across Britain, and then got kicked off the show for doing drugs. That’s it. He has no talent, no career and no manners. Now here he is, with his ridiculous hair, ready to try and keep up his “I’mapartyanimalandIdodrugsandsleeparoundandwillhavesexinthehouse” act for the next three weeks.

My issue with Frankie being there is that, we live in a time where young people are obsessed with celebrity. Kids all want to grow up to be famous. And Frankie’s presence in the Celebrity Big Brother house is sending a message to young people that all you have to do to be famous is misbehave. Frankie says he’s slept with over 90 women. He got kicked off the X-Factor for doing drugs. He’s in the papers every other day falling out of a bar. In short, he’s your typical cocky, disrespectful, intolerable little brat who has a whole world of growing up to do yet.

Maybe Frankie will prove me wrong. Maybe he’ll turn out to be a polite and mannerly young man who only puts on a bad boy show for the public. Or maybe he’ll get what he deserves, be the first one evicted and then (hopefully) just fade into obscurity like all the other X-Factor rejects.

Your hair is ridiculous!!!

Gareth Thomas

I know, right?! Never heard of him. But that’s because I have lady bits and do lady things and Gareth Thomas is known for his participation in “manly” sports things. Gareth Thomas is a retired rubgy player (the first openly gay one I believe). I gather from his wiki page that he was successful enough, which is surprising, because we don’t usually see successful people on this show. I guess times must have been tough enough for Gareth since his retirement.

When he first went into the house, I thought he was French or Italian or something. He speaks with a thick foreign accent. Welsh, as it would turn out. Holy fuck! Sure Wales is only across the lake there! How can he speak so incomprehensibly?!

Anyways, time will tell what he has to offer us. He’s open about his sexuality so maybe he could mentor Andrew Stone on his journey though… Okay, no I said I wouldn’t keep at poor Andrew / WEKNOWYOU’REGAYANDY!!! 

Georgia Salpa

Georgia is such a massive nobody that she doesn’t even have her own wiki page. Alls I know about her is that she’s a glamour model from Killiney. Also, she dated Calum Best.

I feel like Georgia is going to spend her time in the BB house trying to convince everyone that she has class and pretending not to be aware that all the men are trying to get in her pants. The fact that she dated Calum Best makes me preeeeeetty certain that getting into her pants is no big task if you have some kind of celebrity status / ANY kind of celebrity status. I mean, let’s be honest here, no-one who is in that house is in there for the craic of it all, even though that’s what they all say. Let’s call a spade a spade, yiz are all in there because yiz want to be bumped up from z-list to h-list celebrities. Yiz want to be on the front of Closer magazine and yiz want to be invited to a film premiere. Georgia Salpa is barely known in Ireland, so feckin’ NO-ONE in the UK has any notion of who she is. Kirk from ‘The Only Way Is Essex’ has already confessed that he thinks she’s “phwooooooar!”, so I reckon it’s only a matter of time ‘fore they start shamelessly flirting and then, eventually, share a drunken kiss, probably either out in the garden or the old BB cliche of doing it under the duvet after five Tesco brand lagers and she’ll be all, Oh gawwd, I can’t believe I jus did tha! Me ma’ll be watchin’ We can’t do thah again roih!” and then they’ll immediately do it again. Mark my words. Did ya mark ’em? It’s gonna happen.

I'm just a shy, conservative Irish lass.... Swear!

Kristina and Karissa Shannon

These two are twin sisters from Michigan who are famous for being Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends. Is it just me or is the thought of two sisters sharing one wrinkly old man very, very wrong? Like, in an incestuous kind of way…

On first entering the house it immediately became apparent that Kristina and Karissa are both as dumb as a bag of hammers. They’d have to be really, wouldn’t they? They’re American, so they have absolutely no concept of the British sense of humour, which should make for some funny moments.

Other than that, I imagine that they’ll spend their time parading around the house wearing very little at all and not understanding how to do anything. Seriously, I’d be willing to bet that these girls couldn’t make a bed or scramble an egg if their lives depended on it.

Frankie’s in love with them already. Yeah, good luck with that sunshine.

Incest is best?

Kirk Norcross

I guess Kirk saw how well doing Celebrity Big Brother worked out for his former TOWIE castmate, Amy Childs, last year and wanted a slice of the pie aswell.

I actually don’t mind Kirk. I mean, yes he’s obvs a very narcissistic young man, very into his own image and that whole “Essex lifestyle”. But at the same time, watching him going into the house, I feel like Kirk might actually be horribly insecure. He admitted in his entrance video that he hates how he looks without make-up. He had a nose job last year. And he was literally trembling as he entered the house on Thursday night.

I expect that Kirk will spend his time in the house pretending to be a cool, suave dude while secretly desperately hoping for validation from the “real” celebrities. I can see him continuously licking the metaphorical butts of Romeo and Michael Madsen, because those guys have the cool factor imbedded. Poor Kirk. He’s kinda like a chick who used to be fat but then lost weight and got hot but still has the self-doubting mindset of the fat girl. (In fact, I just googled “Kirk Norcross fat” to see if he was, in fact, fat at one point. I don’t think he was, FYI). He’s definitely gonna need his hand held by someone cooler than him to get him through this. Cut to him and Romeo having an epic bromance!

But all in all, I can see this experience working out for Kirk if he plays his cards right. The public loves a genuine, nice lad and I think if Kirk doesn’t try too hard to be the cool guy he so desperately wants to be, then he’ll be okay. He comes from a reality show so he faces the least judgement for this appearance. If he can show us that he’s really not an arrogant, womanising prick, then he could be the nation’s next reality TV sweetheart, a la, Dougie Poynter or Matt Willis.

That's more make-up than I'd wear even on my birthday!

Michael Madsen

I went through a number of emotions when I saw that Mr. Blonde was going into the house. First, joy. I mean, Michael Madsen is a bona fide movie star! What a treat! In a house full of “personalities” it’s exciting to have an actual, real-life star in there. Second emotion, confusion. I mean, Michael Madsen is a bona fide movie star! What the fuck is he thinking? Surely he’s above this. I just keep telling myself that he must just be doing it for a laugh and not give a fuck. Michael Madsen doesn’t need this like the others do. He has a career. He’s mates with Harvey Keitel and Dennis Hopper. He’s done  four Tarantino movies, hello?! Third emotion, disbelief. I mean, Michael Madsen is a bona fide movie star! But, in those first few moments when he first went in, I thought he might be crazy as fuck! He was wearing a cowboy hat and an American flag shirt and seemed to think that Natalie Cassidy was some kind of host, there to welcome them to the house and show them the ropes.

I think Michael will go the distance. He’s the biggest celebrity in there this year and so far, he doesn’t seem to have a problem name-dropping (“Al Pacino is a very understated man.”) or sharing stories. Oh I bet he’s got some good stories! He’s also dripping with cool. He doesn’t even have to try. He’s gonna be the alpha male for sure, even though he seems to be hideously sexist and messy and kinda gross in general (the snoring?!). The other guys are gonna be all over him. Andrew Stone has already told him he wants to get drunk with him and “have a scream!”. The way that conversation went the other night you’d almost think that Andrew fancied him, except we already know that Andrew is very straight. 

Natalie Cassidy

And the award for Least Surprising Person To Go Into The Celebrity Big Brother House 2012 goes to…………. Natalie Cassidy!!!!!! Bualadh bos!

Sonia has all the right ingredients for the typical Celebrity BB contestant. She was in Eastenders for far too many years. Then she went on to do a bit of theatre like they all do when they leave the soap that made them. She did a fitness dvd (no laughing!) and was a contestant on Strictly Come Dancing, before getting her own reality show that, god love her, nobody watched.

Now here she is. And you know what, Sonia will fly through this! She might even win! She was the first housemate in and straight away was given a secret task by Big Brother in which she had to wear an earpiece and say whatever BB told her to say. And Sonia was well game!  She told Frankie Cocozza that if no-one else would have sex with him in the house, she was up for it. She told the twins that she’d done Playboy UK. She got everyone to hold hands and then she started to cry. It was all very impressive. Ya have to give props to anyone whose willing to make an eejit out of themselves like that.

I think Sonia will do a Kerry Katona on this one. She’s had her troubles in the past, people have been a bit mean, but I feel that she’s gonna make us all eat our words now. I wish I had something nasty to say. Sonia’s so…. I mean, her hair is just… Baaaaah, I can’t do it! She’s to feckin’ nice!

Nicola McLean

Nicola McLean has done absolutely nothing of any importance ever. She’s a glamour model and a WAG (“I’m not a WAG.”). The biggest break of her career so far came when she was a contestant on ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’ where she came….. 6th. Well done… And God knows, it’s not very likely she’s gonna win this one either.

Nicola, before entering the house, had had twitter wars with TWO of the other housemates and she told Denise Welsh on the first night that people tend not to like her because she’s so insecure she tends to “act a personality”. Then she almost got into an argument with Mr. Blonde and Andrew “very straight” Stone because they reckoned that everyone was getting on really well. Right. Why don’t you just go ahead and leave now Nicola? Save the voters a bit of cash. 

Natasha Giggs

If there was a dictionary entry for “fame-hungry whore”, Natasha Giggs would be the definition. I don’t know what Natasha Giggs does for a living. Nobody does. But we all know why she’s in the public spectrum don’t we?! If you type “Natasha Giggs” into Wikipedia, it will take you directly to the page of one Mr. Ryan Giggs. Funny enough, there’s no mention of her anywhere on his page, but you know why you’ve been directed there.

Natasha is known as the woman who had an eight year affair with her brother-in-law, Ryan Giggs. That is it. That is why she’s famous. That is why she’s in the Big Brother house. She wont go far. She’s too unapologetic. I mean, she’s apologised, buuuuuut, it was an eight year affair with your husband’s brother. Too little, too late love.

I imagine her reason for going into the house is to try and a) convince people that she’s not a detestable, adulterous, attention-seeking, horrible excuse for a woman, and b) carve out some kind of career for herself that involves appearing on reality television shows and doing tell-all interviews. Um, someone should tell her that the proper etiquette after you’ve been bad is to hang your head in shame, be really, super sorry and say that the whole thing has ruined your life.

The celebrities in the house that know who she is already hate her and the ones who don’t (the HILARIOUS conversation where Gareth was asking her who she was! “Your husband’s name is Rhodri Giggs? Anything to Ryan?” SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!) will surely hate her soon enough. We’re only two days in and I already feel like Natasha’s on borrowed time.

How dare you smile?!

Romeo

D’ya remember So Solid Crew? They had this one song this one time. It was like, I got 21 seconds to go! I got 21 seconds to go!” It got a Brit Award like. That’s about the only claim to fame Romeo has going for him. Ah no, that’s not true, he did that song ‘It’s All Gravy’ with Christina Milian that I still sometimes sing when I need to convey that everything is just fine.

So it’s not really too shocking to see him turning up on Celebrity Big Brother. Not like Mr. Blonde, Romeo needs this gig. He needs it to work out, get a few pound in the bank, get his face out there again. Okay, so it’s pretty unlikely that this MC is ever gonna top the charts again. But, you know, a few magazine deals maybe. It might lead to a few more television opportunities. Ya wouldn’t know! We all gotta make a living.

Anyways, for a little thug that was arrested for allegedly attacking someone with a knife in a carpark in 2005 (he was cleared, folks!), Romeo doesn’t seem so bad so far. When Sonia from Eastenders had to choose someone to give up their suitcase, Romeo jumped in and took one for the team. He was bantering with Michael. His reaction to finding out that Andrew is very straight was nothing short of priceless. And then he graciously accepted a fluffy robe from Nicola because he had no pyjamas.

As early impressions go, I think I like Romeo. He seems to have decent manners and a humble disposition. Plus, if Georgia finds herself unable to sink her talons into Kirk, I bet Romeo’d be next on the hitlist. 

And that’s your lot. It’s not the worst line-up ever. I will admit that I’m a bit disappointed Lindsay Lohan’s not in there, as was rumoured in the weeks prior to the show. That would have been hilarious, shout-at-the-screen viewing. But I’ll take Michael Madsen as compensation.

Channel 5 seems to be seeking out younger and better-looking celebrities than Channel 4 ever bothered with, which makes me think that, after ten years, Channel 4 were getting a bit lazy with BB. This move to 5 might turn out to be just the kick up the butt that the show needed. It’s come back revitalised and with a new host (who is doing a great job BTW), a fresh new ‘tude and ready to be down wit da kidz!! And that makes me feel optimistic about the whole thing.

Celeb BB 2012 – Game on!

PS: Andrew Stone is very straight, kay?