I know, I know… My mind is exactly where yours is right now, picturing some ugly bird with a mole on her chin, in an unflattering outfit, holding a match to her bra, bitching about Playboy whilst simultaneously painting a picture of her vagina in a liberating expression of femininity.
Look, I am going to discuss feminism up in here. But… I don’t like that sanctimonious aul’ hag any more than you do. She’s extreme and impractical, either ignorant to or disregarding of the fact that she needs that bra to stop her boobies tippin’ down for a chat with her bellybutton.
Aussie Feminist, Germaine Greer said this about bras:
“Bras are a ludicrous invention, but if you make bralessness a rule, you’re just subjecting yourself to yet another repression. For some, the bra remains a symbol of restrictions imposed by society on women.”
Ludicrous?! I tell ya what Germaine, assuming you’re not quite a 32A, bin the bra and then go for an aul’ jog on the treadmill. Ludicrous still? Or proven essential?
Personally, I like to wear a bra most days. Not only that but I’ll take all the support they can offer me. Full-cup? Aye. Good, wide bone? That’s the ticket! Three clasps at the back? Sold!
But anyways, I’ve digressed. Feminism is an issue that makes most modern women recoil in horror and embark on a passionate denial campaign. That’s thanks to the stereotypical notions of feminists as cranky, man-hating, hippies striving to be artists, poets, scholars and feckin’ electricians.
I am not a feminist. I think women have come too far to still be playing victims. Modern feminism is little more than a justification for women to fight for something that is already ours, something that was given to us by women like Emily Davison, the suffragette who was killed in 1913 when she threw herself in front of the King’s horse at the Epsom Derby in a display of martyrdom for women’s rights, of which we had few.
But we no longer have few. The suffragettes of the 20th century were the real feminists. The cause was real and the goal was immense. They changed the world. In the 1960s second-wave feminism exploded. The contraceptive pill was approved and a whole bunch of new issues arose. The hippies were ON IT! They tackled sexism and workplace discrimination. Big things, you guys. Big things. The women of yesteryear made it easy for us. They fought the fight so we could reap the benefits.
Suffragette Emily Davison throws herself in front of the King’s horse at the Epsom Derby 1913
So why are we still whining?
We are currently in the centre of what is known as “third-wave feminism”. Now, under-informed and unenthusiastic about the movement, I can only speak from personal opinion. And my personal opinion is that these whinging broads would wanna take a step back and realise that women have never been so free. Neither have we ever been so powerful. 2012 is not the time to be crying about how difficult it is to be female.
Small yarn: My 20-year-old brother has been driving for five years. He passed his driving test first time. He drives a small but incredibly loud little Fiesta. And he is plagued by the guards. The kid is insured. He’s taxed. The car is NCT’d. He has a full-licence. He is, in all regards, completely within the law. Yet he is stopped by the Siochana frequently. His discs are checked. He is questioned. Sometimes searched. I, on the other hand, am 24-years old. I have been driving my little navy Yaris for two years. Like my brother, I am reliably law-abiding. Unlike my brother, I am left alone by the Guards. Rightly so. But the double standard, far as I’m concerned, seems to be gender focused. In the eyes of the Irish cop, a young dude like my brother has to be up to no good. Catching him on the roads provokes a full interrogation. I’ve been stopped on the roads once… Once… In two years. The guard made a bit of small talk, looked at my licence and sent me on my merry way. I’m a girl. Why would they bother interrogating me? It’s the lads they’re after.
Is not that sexism? Methinks so.
The fact is that we live in a time rife with strong women. Hillary Clinton. She came so close to being president that time. It’s gonna happen someday soon yo! A woman will be president of the United States. Lori Reynolds made headlines last year when she assumed the role of Commander of the USMC training headquarters at Parris Island. Julia Gillard became Prime Minister of Australia in 2010. More familiar faces like Oprah Winfrey, Ellen DeGeneres, Angelina Jolie. Women. Being. BOSS!
The music industry too is dominated by women. Gaga, Rihanna, Katy Perry, Lopez, Kelly Clarkson, Pink, Nicki Minaj and, my personal list-topper, Beyonce Knowles. Look at this: Word. Don’t fuck with Beyonce. She brings it.
See, Beyonce’s got it right. Successful, beautiful, talented and savvy. She’s the biggest star in the world right now. She knows what she’s doing. Her priorities are set and all her ducks are in a row. She sang ‘Independent Women’ with Destiny’s Child and she meant it. Jay-Z has 99 problems but his bitch ain’t one. Beyonce shows us that you can have great strength and still be feminine. She voids the feministic idea that women should reject societal ideals; things like make-up, high-heels and embracing sexuality. Beyonce wears heels, she shows some skin and she runs the world (ish).
Women not to be fucked with: Clockwise L-R: First Lady Michelle Obama, President of the Indian National Congress Sonia Gandhi, First US female navy carrier-based fighter pilot Kara Hultgreen, Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard, Oprah Winfrey, US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, Editor-In-Chief of the New York Times Jill Abramson and (Centre) Beyonce Knowles.
We don’t need angry old dolls bitching about porn and maternity leave, born into the wrong generation and tardy to the party by about forty years. Women, in the 21st century, well, we’re alright. I’m a firm believer that if one plays the victim, one will be the victim. If feminists could just quit the moaning and look around they’d see that they’re fighting a battle that has already been won. The audience has celebrated and moved on and they are left behind, full of resentment because they seem to now feel that women deserve superior rights to men.
I don’t believe that radical expression and lingering on issues past is doing anything for women. But I do believe in independence, in confidence and in doing and being anything you want, regardless of gender.
In Pink’s song, ‘Stupid Girls’, she comments on the abundant examples of unmotivated, under-achieving, conformist girls whose life goals include having bigger boobs and marrying into money. These chicks are everywhere. They wanna be WAGS, they love fancy handbags and they play dumb to make men feel more intelligent. They spend their childhood wanting to be vets and then, somewhere along the way, a lack of inspiration and/or proper guidance they come to believe that one’s goal in life should be marriage, money and children. The ambition of being a vet gets replaced with one of just wanting a husband who makes a decent wage. The sound of their dreams gets drowned out by the deafening tick of their biological clock. These girls do just about as much for women as the modern feminists do, reiterating clichés of women, setting us back and standing as utterly useless role models for the confused generation behind us.
Courtney Love may be crazy like a fox, but she took the notion of femininity, turned it upside down and owned that shit!
Have you ever read any of the women’s magazines like Cosmopolitan or Marie Claire? I think they’re behind this conflict between being a Courtney Stodden or a Tracy Emin. It was actually an article in Cosmopolitan that inspired this article/rant/nonsense. It was written by a dude who was giving out about men having to pay for everything on dates. Is he right or is he wrong? I’ve no idea really. But it made me think. In the same issue of Cosmo there was an article about how in order to succeed, women need to be pushier, like men. Few pages ahead, there’s an article listing the three things that men look for in a girl (1. you don’t flip out if you lose your phone. 2. you can sense if something’s wrong with him. 3. you tell funny, interesting stories about your day). Few pages ahead there’s an interview with Olympic athlete, Jessica Ennis. An article on how to firm up your body. Then an article called (and I’m dead serious with this) ‘What His Penis Wishes You Knew.’ Then an inspiring interview with “An Alpha Female”. It’s just all so inconsistent. Of course, it’s all silly fucking fluff really, but there are women who read that shit and think, “yeah, I wanna know what his penis wishes I knew!” We all know idiots like that.
When your shitty personality just doesn’t cut it, good old Cosmo has the answers!
But look, I’m not saying that I’m any kind of brilliant, independent, gung-ho maverick woman. I bought that magazine. And I read it cover to cover.
A few months back, I wrote a blog here about my second year in college when I lived with four guys. It was awesome. I loved it. I loved them. We had a blast. When the year was up and third year rolled around, I was in an apartment with four other girls. It was not cool. They did not like me. I did not like them. We did not have a blast. When all was said and done I concluded that men have it right with their approach. They just don’t give a fuck. A spade is a spade. They don’t feel hard done by as men. And they don’t care if we feel hard done by as women.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, why can’t we just be let be. I like being a girl. I like having long nails. I like styling my hair. I like high-heels. But I also like Discovery Channel documentaries. I like roaming the countryside with my dogs. I like video games. I believe in romance too but it’s not my be all and end all. I think if you take care of yourself, indulge your interests, chase your dreams and be the best you can be, the rest will come.
Life is what you make of it. It’s not about oppression. It’s not about discrimination. And it’s certainly not about gender. It’s time to forget feminism altogether, let sleeping dogs lie and seize the opportunities that lie in front of us. If he doesn’t hold the door open for you, it’s just because he’s a prick, that’s all. And you’re a prick too if you don’t hold it open for him. That’s gender equality.
So…. Euro 2012 is underway in Poland. Ireland are out. Beaten by Croatia and then by Spain. We will likely be beaten by Italy tomorrow night, just as a final kick us in the balls when we’re already on our knees, sealing our place as one of the most embarrassing countries to be from in Europe. Cheers for that one. The Irish fans and their vocal support long past the final whistle at the Spain match are having their praises sung by all and sundy, except for Roy Keane, who said something about coming along for a sing-song not being enough. Personally, I could give a shit about any of it.
Here’s what I know about football:
I tried to be into football for a while when I was younger. My brother and cousin were all about it, so I joined ’em, deciding my favourite team was Manchester United and my favourite player was Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. My cousin and I, creatively, called him “Curly Boy” because of his curly, black hair, and, man, we thought we were THE SHIT for coming up with such a hilarious and original nickname. So… that’s embarrassing for me. Anyways my affair with the beautiful game was short lived owing to the fact that I found it boring as hell and didn’t understand any of the rules. Any of ’em. None. Except that a red card meant “get off, you naughty little scamp!”
That was it. In the years since my foray into soccer fandom, I’ve dallied with other sports. I played handball for a while in National School (I even made in on to the BOYS doubles team! WHAT! WHAT!). But handball, as it turns out, is a pathetic sport and nobody plays it. Then I was an avid horse-rider for years. The highlight of my year used to be going to the Dublin Horse Show every August. And I’d always buy a pile of junk that I didn’t need; grooming brushes, pony treats, coloured whips, helmet covers, books, you name it! Alas, you don’t see much of equestrian competitions on the big screens down the local. Then I fell in with motorsport for a good while. There was a good two years where I repeatedly found myself awake at some ridiculous hour of a Sunday morning so I could watch the live coverage of whatever Formula 1 race was on (I was a Raikkonen fan.) Nothing stuck. Rugby? Too violent. Golf? Too boring. Cricket? Too British. GAA? Too familiar.
I gave up. I quit like a great big quitter. I informed the tomboy lurking inside me that she was bound to stay where she was, to be freed only by occasional splurges on Military Channel documentaries and Man Vs Wild. I dedicated my life to celebrity gossip instead. I was in an Irish Bar in Newcastle with some family last April, when our home province team, Ulster, beat Edinburgh to make it through to the 2012 Heineken Cup Final. The place was jammed with excited, chanting, raucous men, my own relations included. The buzz was electric. I couldn’t tell you what the score was. I could, however tell you that that was the day after Barack Obama made fun of Kim Kardashian at the White House Correspondents dinner. Or that Beyonce called her fake pregnancy rumours “crazy” that day.Or that LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian had just renewed their wedding vows. That’s what I can tell ya.
So, it was somewhat a bolt from the blue when, in June of last year, I discovered….. HOCKEY!!!
I was a latecomer to the 2011 NHL race for the Stanley Cup, not witnessing anything before the opening game of the finals. I was introduced to the game by my best-friend and serial cohort, who happens to be Vancouver born. The season culminated in June for a series of seven playoff games between the Boston Bruins and the Vancouver Canucks. So my best friend is a ‘Couv native. But then, I have an uncle who’s lived in Boston for the past twenty-odd years. Who was I gonna root for? I ultimately went with the Canucks after coming to the realisation that they were ruthlessly vicious, hard-as-nails and hell bent on fighting for that cup. The Canucks fought dirty throughout the playoffs and we fucking loved it. We downloaded every game the night after it had aired (because where were we gonna watch it live?) and we sat, enthralled, involved and committed.
It came down to the wire. When game seven rolled around on June 15, the Canucks had three wins and the Bruins had three wins. Game seven was the decider. And the Bruins destroyed the Canucks 4-0 at Rogers Arena, taking the Stanley Cup back home to Massachusetts and out of the reach of the devastated Canucks. Ryan Kesler bawled his wee eyes out right there on the ice. The people of Vancouver responded decidedly badly to the loss. Suffice to say, they went fucking apeshit and rioted the shit out of the city!
Canucks fan in Vancouver in the aftermath of the 2011 Stanley Cup Riot
I didn’t mind all that much. I was happy enough. Because I’d discovered a sport I could get down with. I faacking laaaaved hockey!!!
Agus is anseo an fath…
The Insanse “WHERETHEFUCKISTHEPUCK?!” Speed
Hockey moves fast. The players skim across the ice at lightening speed and send the puck even faster. The average speed of a player is around 25mph. The average speed of the puck is around 97mph. Pretty nifty. Games are three periods, each twenty minutes in duration, and there’s zero let up. I mostly learned to forget trying to keep and eye on the puck and just watch the players. Go where they go. All the glory of goals, as far as I’m concerned, has to be absorbed in the replay, seeing as I’m never actually paying close enough attention to see it do down in the first place.
Here’s Canuck centre, Ryan Kesler, goin’ hella fast at the 2011 NHL Skills Competition:
The Violence
Listen okay, I know I said that I can’t watch rugby because it’s too violent, BUUUUT, for absolutely no justifiable reason whatsoever, the violence in hockey is kind of what makes it for me. So we know these guys move fast. But they also go hard.
There’s a tactic used in play called “checking”. Without going into an condescending and unnecessary explanation, checking, or more specifically, body-checking, involves slamming oneself into an opponent, usually the dude with the puck, and forcing him into the ringside boards. It’s fucking brutal lads.
This one time, in 1996, Detroit Red Wings player, Kris Draper, was checked from behind by Colorado Avalanche player, Claude Lemieux. He hit the boards face first. Broke his jaw, his nose and his cheekbone. Draper’s teammate, Darren McCarty was behind the board and later said he “could hear his face crack”. Noice. McCarty would later go on to launch an EPIC retaliation attack on Lemieux the following year when the Red Wings faced the Avalanches again.
A Subheading For Violence… THE FIGHTING!
Oh man, the fighting. You know, I’ve long held the opinion that soccer players are nothing but over-paid, over-pampered, helpless little paaaaansies. This I maintain. You know that guy, Didier Drogba? Plays for Chelsea. Isn’t he notorious for faking injuries? I think I read that… Anyways, you don’t get that shit in hockey. These guys are HARD. AS. NAILS.
Fighting, in the NHL, is not only legal, it is openly encouraged and viewed as tradition. Heck, it is tradition. Fights are usually the role of the enforcers. It’s their job to aggravate the fuck out of the other guys. Some fights are premeditated by the players, some erupt suddenly out of nowhere, some involve two guys, some involve two teams, some are professional, some are personal. But all are ferocious. Sticks are thrown down, gloves are usually discarded and players descend into a melee of fists and fury on the ice, watched by the refs, who decide when enough is enough.
This is a good ‘un:
Hockey teams are close knit and more often than not, players are not afraid to jump into a fight on behalf of a teammate slighted. Blood is shed and the crowds go clayne ballistic for it! Decent fighters are valued by their team and revered by fans.
Hell, the Canucks won me over last year because of their infamous bad behaviour on the ice. I loved it.
The Fans
Michael Buble, of Vancouver, British Columbia, is so dedicated to hockey that he requests a local team hockey puck in his dressing room everywhere he performs. Michael Buble (who’s marriage won’t last, by the way), is so devoted to hockey that he bought part of the Vancouver Giants team.
Hockey fans are loyal and committed. And they’re involved. Part of the beauty of a hockey game is that the fans are separated from the game by just a glass board, which the players are slammed up against continually throughout a game. There seems to be a certain level of intimacy at a hockey game. Thousands of people, supporting their side and going pure wild at the very inclination that a fight might go down.
I digress again to the Vancouver riots. The second time Canucks fans had a less than docile response to a Stanley Cup loss. Yes it was a pretty substantial overreaction. Things got a bit cray, people got hurt, it wasn’t cool. But if anything marked the kinship that the fans feel for their teams, that was it. Vancouver was a city devastated. They had come so close. And they reacted, in true Canuck style; ridiculously violently.
Skill
So you want to be a hockey player? Okay, well first you’re gonna have to learn to skate. Then you’re gonna have to learn to skate backwards. Then fast. You’re gonna have to be able to stop suddenly or you’ll get busted into the boards. Now you’ve gotta learn how to use a stick, how to hold it, how to maneuver the puck. Then learn all the various types of shots; slapshot, wristshot, snapshot, backhand slapshot, sheesh. Okay, then learn how to “deke”, or trick your opponent with decoy moves. Evasive skating. Toughen up for some checking. Lose some teeth, perhaps. Learning to fight wouldn’t be the worse decision.
I just… Like, it’s definitely more than I know I’d be able to handle! Yeah, yeah, footballers are skilled too. Aye, but they’re also great big paaaansies, remember!
Shootouts
In 2005, the NHL made a controversial decision; to make tied games obsolete. The shootout was born.
It’s pretty straight-forward, if the game runs it’s time and the scores are tied, then it goes to shootouts. Each team has three players take a shot. The best of three wins the game. But what if both teams score 2 out of 3? Then it’s shootouts until one team scores and the other misses. Simples.
It means every game ends with a clear winner. It means that tensions run high and games often come right down to it!
The Stanley Cup Itself
First of all, all the players on a Stanley Cup winning team get their names engraved on the cup. So that’s awesome.
Second of all, every player on the winning team gets a day with the cup, and he can do whatever the heck he likes with it. In 1996, Sylvain Lefebvre , of the Colorado Avalanches, used the cup as a baptismal font for his daughter. Creeeeepy. Okay. In 1994, New York Rangers forward, Ed Olczyk, took the cup to the stable of Kentucky Derby winner, Go For Gin, where the horse ate out it. The horse… Ate… Out of the Stanley Cup. Patrick Kane of the Chicago Blackhawks took the cup to Niagara Falls in 2010. Mark Messier, Edmonton Oilers, took it to a strip club. It’s even been to Kandahar, Afghanistan. I mean, you know?! That’s aces!
Los Angeles Kings captain, Dustin Brown, with The Stanley Cup. June 2012.
Celebrities
I had to get it in there! As I said Mickey Buble is a massive hockey fan. Corey Monteith, of Glee fame, has been spotted at several Canucks games. Vince Vaughn is a huge Chicago Blackhawks fan. Snoop Dogg supports the Anaheim Ducks. Carrie Underwood is married to Mike Fisher of the Nashville Predators. Mike Myers, Justin Bieber and Drake are all Toronto Maple Leaf fans. Trey Parker (South Park) is a Colorado Avalanches supporter. Kevin Smith, of Mallrats, Clerks, Jay and Silent Bob, fame, supports the New Jersey Devils. Kid Rock, Detroit Red Wings. All the names, yo. All the names.
I could go on but I feel I’ve started rambling so I’mma go ahead and curtail myself ‘fore I go cross-eyed. You get the gist of what I’m sayin’ though, right? That hockey is gosh-darned awesome and I wish it was more available to us Paddys. Sure we love a bit of violence, no?
Last week I read a story that, for no reason I can put my finger on, shook me to my core (lie). I was horrified (lie). It was one of those stories that you hear and then it lingers in the back of your mind for days after, discreetly bothering you at random interludes throughout the day.
The story was about Melanie Sykes and her new toyboy lover, Jack Cockings. They’ve been doing some very racy and public talking about their relationship via Twitter.
We’ve known Melanie for years. She used to do ‘The Big Breakfast’ on Channel 4 way back when. She did ‘Today With Des and Mel’ and‘Let’s Do Lunch With Gino and Mel’. She did ‘The Vault’ on ITV. She did ads for ‘Head and Shoulders’. She’s done loads of crap. You know, the kinds of shows that tired, slightly overweight housewives watch at 12:30 on a Tuesday afternoon with a cup of tea and a packet of Bourbons while the kids are at school and before the washing machine finishes. Melanie is one of those people that have just always been there. She’s always been around on the telly, smiling, laughing and generally being far too hot to be someone we can all relate to (in the same vein as Myleene Klass). We know her. We like her. She’s a successful television presenter. She has two young boys aged 10 and 8. Her physique is riDONKulous.
Awww look, it’s Des and Mel! We know them!
Except now Mel has gone and forever tarnished her lovely image by being a cheap, filthy, over-sharing tart on Twitter.
After going through a divorce in 2009, Melanie soldiered on. She got herself a Radio2 show with Alan Carr. She landed a gig hosting ‘Missing Millions’ on ITV. She posed nudey, nude, nude for Esquire magazine in December 2011. And then, in May this year, Melanie did something no self-respecting (and incredibly good-looking) celebrity should ever do. She hooked up with some nobody that she met on Twitter! WHATADUMBBUTT!
The guy is a 26-year-old investment, finance something-or-other whose Twitter handle is @bespokespartan. He’s 15 years her junior. So, what’s that rule for dating younger? They say that the lowest age you can date is someone half your age plus seven. So Melanie is 41. Half of 41 is 20.5. 20.5 plus 7 is 27.5. Melanie can, therefore, unashamedly date someone who is 27.5 years old. Uh Oh…
Anyways, Melanie clearly is not familiar with this rule and is flagrantly parading her new love on the social media website.
Right, the dirt…
So they met on Twitter in April when Jack, having failed to attract the attention of either Jodie Marsh (“Do you need a boyfriend?”) or Cheryl Cole (“Love you.x”) with his tweets, turned his focus to our Mel. He tweeted her saying, “No way are you 41. Marry me?”He then proceeded, mortifyingly, to barrage her with photos of his kid and pictures of himself working out (awesome. How cool is he?!) until Mel, idiotically, started replying. She followed him. She told him he was “adorable” despite the volume of evidence pointing to him being a cocky, arrogant little prick who was chancing his arm with a celebrity, likely for the amusement of his equally pompous mates.
Jack Cocky, sorry, Cockings… What a stud!
Long story short, they’re now boyfriend and girlfriend and appallingly crude for all to see on Twitter. She’s calling it an incredible modern day romance. I’m calling bullshit. I’m also calling a decidedly short relationship lifespan.
Here’s one exchange:
@MsMelanieSykes: ‘Jack the rabbit I need some bunny love so hop to it!! Xxx boing boing!!! Loooooool xxxxxxx’…@bespokespartan: Only if I can bounce into your face! Xxx’ … @MsMelanieSykes: ‘Will you fill mine? Xxx’
Good. God.
Ahem, I continue…
@bespokespartan: ‘I’m ready and very hard! Bouncy bouncy xxx’… @MsMelanieSykes: ‘Me nips are up! tweak tweak!! Xxx’
@MsMelanieSykes: ‘Get off Twitter and get back in bed! Xxx’ God you are insatiable! I love it! Xxx.’
@MsMelanie Sykes: ‘My white jeans can’t take it anymore gonna have to rip these babies off! X’ and ‘my throat is inflamed can you help? : )’
I mean, you know what I’m sayin’? Tone it the fuck down you guys! I’m delighted that yiz are havin’ great sex and all but some of us are Catholics up in here! All evidence points to Ms Sykes not doing very well free from the constrictions of a daytime watershed.
I have drawn one main conclusion about their relationship…
Poor Melanie Sykes must having some kind of mid-life crisis. She’s the wrong side of 40 now, her kids are getting older, she’s been through a divorce, her career hasn’t panned out quite as well as Holly Willoughby’s and she’s decided “fuck it. Despite having the rockin’ body of an athlete, Melanie lapped up the attention of the brash banker, who, let the records show, has a tattoo on his ass of his mate’s name that he got for “banter” (well done on your life, son). She’s all consumed and flattered by the interest of a “hot” younger man and wants the world to know. She might as well hijack BBC News and announce, “I may not be Claudia Winkleman but I’m hot and young men still want me!” . I mean, I’m assuming that she’s just loving the notoriety that comes with having a toyboy and all the attention that her personal (public) exploits have garnered. Damn it, if she can’t be Kate Thornton then she’s gonna be a whole new Melanie Sykes. Fuck to being a responsible mother. Fuck to being a family-friendly TV personality. Fuck to being in any way respectable. Fuck to dignity. She’s gonna have at it!
See though, the thing is, I’m not saying that she’s out and out wrong. On one hand I’m thinking, good for you. Why not? If she wants to have a toyboy then have one. She’s clearly very satisfied. But Jesus Christ would ya shut the heck up about it on Twitter?!
Her older son is ten years old. No messin’, I know ten-year-olds who are on Twitter. Ten-year-olds today are not like ten-year-olds ten years ago. When I was ten I got on the ol’ dial-up very occasionally and when I did, I was looking up shit like, “horse grooming brush”. These days I’ve got eight-year-old kids telling me about the referendum and saying that Wayne Rooney is a bad man “because he kissed someone else that was wasn’t his wife.” Kids know stuff. They’ve got access yo.
In the days since the media picked up on her smut, Melanie has apparently gained something like 15,000 new followers (I’m one of ‘em!). Perhaps that’s all part of the plan. I don’t know. What I will say though, is that if she continues down this line, destroying her respectability as a daytime TV figure, unconscientiously producing cripplingly embarrassing ammo for playground bullies to use against her children for years to come and categorically abandoning her sense of morality through her lewd messages, then that’s gonna be 15,000 horrified yet highly entertained individuals.
HOLY. SWEET. JAYSUS!!! She posted this in between bouts of “giddy knickers”.. Like, ya can almost see her.. YIKES!
By all accounts it would seems that @MsMelanieSykes is under the impression that this is a real relationship. This week she tweeted, “‘I’d like to formally announce that @bespokespartan is my boyfriend.” She is evidently oblivious to just how, ahem, whorey, she is actually coming across. See, it’s great to have a full and active sex life and all but there are certain things that just shouldn’t be said on a social networking site to thousands of people. You know, things like, “I’ve got the raging horn, please take me.”
All said and done, the fact is that any dude who tweets,”tweeting while hanging out the back of @MsMelanieSykes” (yeah… I know) is probably not the man that you’re going to share a long and happy life with. He’s not likely going to be an honourable father figure to your two sons who, in just a few short years, will probably be big enough to give him the slap they’d be entitled to give him.
@bespokespartan: “Should I take @MsMelanieSykes in the ass tonight???” – Oh God! I dunno brother! Maybe just ask her! I don’t… Like, I just can’t… Ugh!
Sigh, and like, the fing is, yeah? I’m sure Melanie Sykes is a very nice person. Despite my scornful mockery, I do really believe that she’s probably as happy and fun as she comes across on-screen. And I s’pose I better also say that ’m sure she’s a great mother. She’s happy with this guy. Maybe he’s decent behind the swag (I said maybe).Maybe the whole sordid thing will do wonders for her career. Get her a spot on Celebrity Juice or something. I mean, who the fuck am I to have an opinion, right?
But I just… STOP IT MELANIE SYKES! GO BE EROTIC IN PRIVATE!
Note: I began this piece without thinking. I subsequently got carried away. I have since come to realise how utterly irrelevant and fluffy it is… And I’m so very sorry.
Top Gun is one of my all time favourite movies. There’s two and a half reasons for this:
1) I really love airplanes
2) I really love the military
½) I really love Kenny Loggins
So today, I have been mostly thinking about the Top Gun sequel and how amazing it’s going to be. If there’s one awesome movie that can be extra-awesomized by the 21st century it’s Top Gun. A dude from Lockheed confirmed the other day that Maverick will be back and he’s apparently gonna be an F-35 test pilot.
I read this article: http://gizmodo.com/5889737/top-gun-2-is-real-and-stars-a-plane-that-doesnt-fly. These guys obvs don’t like Tom Cruise (which is okay. He’s pretty mental and tiny. He does have a pilots licence though, inspired by this very role.) but they also don’t seem very keen on the F-35, which, I guess, is also fair enough. It’s a notoriously flawed aircraft. But let’s and remember that this is not real life. This is Hollywood. And Hollywood is trying to make a modern, 21st century movie about fighter pilots. The F-35 is about as modern as it gets before we stumble into drone territory. And let’s face facts, no one wants to see a Top Gun sequel in which Mav flies the aircraft using a remote control. It just wouldn’t be the same. So can we all please just quit “curmudgeoning” and hope that Hollywood will do us good? Paramount is in. Bruckheimer is in. Cruise is in. No word yet on the chick from ‘Witness’ and I’d be very doubtful that Val Kilmer would have any interest, but sure Iceman was only ever a bastard anyways.
Eh, so yeah, anyways, the point was that I was thinking about Top Gun and then I started thinking about airplanes in general which got me to thinking about pilots and how you have to have so much money to become one. And then I was thinking that if I had loads of money I’d fo’ sho’ be a pilot. And then I was thinking about how much money celebrities have and so obviously then I was thinking about celebrities who use some of that money to actually become pilots.
And this is the resulting top ten…
#10. PRINCE HARRY
Prince Harry. He’s the one that did not get married last year. He’s also the one that is a bit of craic. If I was having a party (and if I thought he’d come) I’d definitely invite Prince Harry. He was caught smoking pot. He dressed up as a Nazi for a fancy dress party that time. He called one of his military colleagues a “paki” and a “raghead”. He’s been known to physically attack paparazzi. And he dated that little bleach blonde, orange skinned skaaaaaank, Chelsea Davy. Like I said, Pile O’ Craic.
Anyways, this isn’t about him being a laugh. This is about him being a helicopter pilot. But not just any helicopter pilot. Oh no, these days, little Harry who looked so sad and lost at his mum’s funeral way back when, is now in training to pilot a muthafuckin’ Apache attack helicopter.
The Apache is famous for being the baddest, flyest, most awesomely awesome piece of weaponry that the military has to offer and training to fly one is no mean feat. Harry initially learned to fly back in 2009 and has been working on his Type Conversion for the Apache ever since with hopes of returning to the frontline in Afghanistan as soon as he’s done training.
That’s much cooler than Prince William’s career as a Search and Rescue pilot.
#9. JAKE PAVELKA
Jake Pavelka. You don’t know who he is. Neither do I really. He was on the American reality TV series, ‘The Bachelor’ in 2010 and, more recently, he was on ‘Dancing With The Stars’ where he did not win. At the moment I belive he is appearing as the celebrity guest host for the Chippendales in Las Vegas. Awesome.
But, before Jake became a womanising, fame hungry television personality and prized jerk, he was a real life pilot flying commercially for Atlantic Southeast Airlines.
Jake learned to fly when he was 12 and went on to become a Flight Instructor before landing a job with ASA, also known as Delta Connection.
Recently, US Magazine reported that Jake’s 15 minutes of fame are up and he’s back in the captain’s seat for Delta. Good enough. I was going to say he was pretty dumb to give up the day job in the first place, but then I thought about all the money he must have made in the past few years and I’ve decided he was actually clever enough.
#8. JAMES FRANCO
Props to James Franco. He’s a fine young man. He’s an actor, we know this. He’s also a producer and director. He’s a model. He’s a philanthropist. He’s a writer. He’s a painter. And he’s also a very highly educated dude. He has a degree in English with creative writing from UCLA. He went to Columbia to study writing. He studied filmmaking at NYU. He is a PhD student at Yale. He is due to attend Houston University this year to study for a doctorate in literature and creative writing. He’s so smart it’s kind of insane.
You may wonder why James is only #8 on this list, especially when you consider what a genius he is. Well, the reason is just that I feel that he lacks any real passion for aviation. Franco learned how to fly in 2006. He did it as research for his role in the movie, ‘Flyboys’ in which he played a WWI fighter pilot. He was asked about it in an interview and had this to say, “I’ve become kind of obsessive about research. I think part of it’s just filling time. I signed onto this at least four months in advance. So I thought, “Well, I have the time, I might as well get my license. So I went every day and I got it.”
See what I mean? There’s no love there.
Watch him be underwhelmed about the whole thing here (if the narrators’ dull voice doesn’t put you to sleep first):
A much more romantic tale would be that he discovered his love for flight whilst interning at Lockheed Martin in his youth. Alas, it’s not the case. He did intern at Lockheed Martin in his youth, but he discovered a love for maths and not flying. Good one.
So why give him a place on the list at all? D’uh, coz he’s pretty.
#7. ZACH BRAFF
I don’t need to tell you who Zach Braff is. You already know. But, did you know that in addition to being a very funny guy (follow him, go on) Zach Braff is also a licensed pilot? Probably not.
Zach learned to fly in 2008 and got his PPL in November of that year. He says he did it because he had become a nervous flier and wanted to conquer his fears. Says J.D: “During a particularly horrible patch of travel, I decided I’d take flying lessons. I’d get to know the unknown by unknowing what I had known. Instead of running from my new fear, I’d saunter right up to it and tickle fear’s balls with my peace-sign fingers.”
Turns out it worked a treat. Since then J.D has taken to the air like a duck to water. In 2010, he flew cross-country for the very first time especially to see Ellen…
He doesn’t make a big deal out of it. He’s not affiliated with any organisations. He doesn’t fly commercially. He owns a single-engine Cirrus, nothing too swanky, which he uses to fly on sunny days. Good for you Scrubs. Good for you.
#6. ANGELINA JOLIE
I’m no feminist but part of me feels like I have to include Angelina on this list just because there’s no other women on it. To be honest, Angelina sort of irritates me. She’s just a bit too intense and serious. Like, I’d say you’d be hard pushed to get a bit of craic out of Angelina Jolie. But that’s besides the point. The point being that Angelina is an aviatrix. Mostly we forget that she flies. Probably because she doesn’t push it on us like some of the higher placed names on this list. But she does.
Angelina first learned to fly in 2005, apparently at the insistence of Maddox, who loved to go to the airport and watch the planes. Since then she has kept up her hobby and told Vanity Fair that she loves it so much because “it’s the only place I’m completely alone, up in the air, detached from everything.” Fair enough I s’pose.
But, of course, the gothic one has her detractors. There’s a barrage of naysayers who deem that Angelina is not experienced enough to fly the Cirrus SR-22 that she splashed out $360,000 on. Some instructor guy from California stuck is oar in saying, “Letting an inexperienced, novice pilot like Angelina Jolie fly it is like giving a Ferrari to a 16-year-old boy. It’s a recipe for disaster. It is the fastest plane in its class. It climbs like a missile. Miss Jolie should fly something more sedate for a while. This airplane is a thoroughbred that needs experience to control.”
Personally I think it ain’t got nuffin’ to do with anyone what kind of plane she flies. If Lara Croft wants to fly an SR-22 and she’s licensed to do so then Lara Croft should fly an SR-22. Heck, if I had her money, I’d take my pick aswell.
Despite being pretty low-key with her aviation interests, Angelina did do a story with Vogue in which she posed alongside a P51. She donned a couture outfit, posed a bit and then hiked up the crisp white pencil skirt, kicked off her heels and took her interviewer for a fast paced flight around the California desert. The resulting pictures are pretty cool I have to admit.
#5. DEXTER HOLLAND
Dexter Holland. You know him. And if you don’t, you’re wrong because yes, you actually do. He’s the singer with The Offspring. He’s pretty fly for a white guy. But he’s also a white guy who flies.
Seems our Dexter is your quintessential overachiever. Apparently being the singer for the worlds favourite pop punk group just is not enough for this Boris Becker lookalike. Nah, Dexter’s got the smarts too! He got a degree in biology from the University of Southern California and then went on to get a masters in molecular biology. In 2006 he ran the Los Angeles marathon. He owns Nitro Records as well as his own brand of hot sauce: Gringo Bandito. And hey whaddya know, he’s also a certified pilot.
Dexter is pretty low-key sort of a guy (well, as low key as a bleach blonde 47-year-old rock singer who owns three aircraft can be). What I mean to say is that Dex doesn’t seem to really give a shit if we know anything about his aviation interests or not. He doesn’t dress up in a pilots uniform and he doesn’t have any association with an airline. Seems like he legit just really likes to fly recreationally. So don’t be expecting any big fanfare at your local airport next time The Offspring roll into town. Just keep an eye out for Dexters Cessna Citation jet with the anarchy symbol on the tail.
#4. MORGAN FREEMAN
Who doesn’t love Morgan Freeman? The mere mention of his name incites the brain to replay his voice in ones head. He’s the definition of a living legend. Shawshank Redemption. Se7en. Million Dollar Baby. March of the Penguins. Invictus. His name is trademarked. He’s environmentally conscious. He’s politically active. He speaks fluent French. He’s brilliant at golf. And he flies planes.
Morgan Freeman wanted to be a fighter pilot when he was a kid. So enamored with flight was he that he joined the Air Force as soon as he finished school. But things didn’t work out for poor Morgan. He ended up working as an Air Force mechanic. Not quite the adrenaline-fuelled career he was after. So, he swapped his dream of being a pilot for a dream of being an actor. And as we all know, that one panned out pretty nicely for him.
It wasn’t until 2002, when he was 65 years-old, that Morgans’ passion was reignited. At the provocation of a pilot friend, he began taking lessons in July of 2002, qualifying with his PPL in October of the same year and by the summer of 2003, Morgan was up and running with a multi-engine rating.
Never one to escape a bit of bad luck (remember his car crash in 2008? No? It was pretty serious. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1041570/Pictured-The-horrific-car-crash-nearly-killed-Morgan-Freeman.html), Freeman got into a spot of bother in 2004 when he broke altitude rules around Teterboro airport in New Jersey. He was banned from flying for 45 days. Naughty, naughty… But Morgan took it like a champ and used the time to get a bit of filming done before taking to the skies again.
Like Harrison Ford, Morgan did an ad for AOPA. Here it is:
These days Morgan is the proud owner of two Cessnas and a pretty fancy Emivest corporate jet which he uses to fly himself from a to b (“It is so much easier than being strip-searched.”).
Saying all this, Morgan is 75 years-old. So just…. be careful. That’s all.
#3. HARRISON FORD
Word on the street (web) is that Harrison Ford is worth in excess of $200 million. Not really surprising when you consider the fact that he was Han Solo AND Indiana Jones (two movie franchises that I have approximately zero interest in.) For the longest time I’ve pegged Harrison for a sharper, more miserable and less cuddly version of Richard Gere. You see paparazzi pictures of him out and about with Ally McBeal and they look like they’re having a good time NEVER! She trails behind him, arms crossed, stomach growling with the hunger and he attempts to hide his scowl behind a pair of shades. But there’s a but. Harrison Ford is actually a pretty stand up guy and as far as celebrity aviators go, he’s right up there. And here’s the why…
Harrison first began learning to fly in the 60s but he wasn’t able to afford to keep up the training. It wasn’t until he had made a few bob from the movies that he was able to fully pursue his passion. And pursue it, Harry did. Today he’s licensed to fly both fixed wing and rotor aircraft. He owns six planes and a helicopter (“I have more airplanes than it’s fair for anybody to have”), regularly attending fly-ins in Wyoming where he has a ranch and sometimes provides emergency helicopter services for local authorities (he once rescued an ailing hiker from a mountainside. How awesome would it be to be rescued by Harrison Ford?!). He was also one of the charitable who stepped up when the earthquake rocked Haiti in 2010, flying in medical supplies and volunteers on behalf of Operation Smile.
When he’s not too busy flying himself and his co-stars to various movie sets, Harrison also spreads his philanthropic wings by acting as an honorary board member for Wings of Hope, the worlds biggest aviation based charity. From 2004 to 2009 (when he was replaced by Captain Sully. Yay for Captain Sully!) he was the chairman for the Young Eagles program which is a voluntary organization that gives children the opportunity to fly and to learn about aviation. During his time as chairman, old man Ford flew more than 300 young eagles in his various airplanes. Now everybody tilt your head and say, “awwwww.”
Such is Harrisons eminence in the aviation community, that he was invited to fly VIP with the US Navy’s elite display team, The Blue Angels. He flew backseat with Lt. Cmdr. Kevin ‘Kojak’ Davis, (who was killed during an airshow a year later). Here’s the vid:
Harrison also did an ad promoting general aviation for the Aircraft Owners And Pilots Association AAAAAAAND, in 2010, the National Aeronautics Association awarded him with their most esteemed honour, The Wright Brothers Memorial Trophy, an award established in 1948 to honour those who have demonstrated “significant public service of enduring value to aviation in the United States.”
Now… Don’t you wish you were as cool as Harrison Ford? I’ll end on a quote from the man himself. This is a gem: “In my life I have two roles. One of them everyone knows about. It provides a means to the other, which I prefer.”
#2. JOHN TRAVOLTA
Face/Off. That’s a great movie. And Jay Travs is a great man. Okay, so maybe he’s a crazyface scientologist and yes, he might have a devastating array of gay rumours surrounding him but that’s for Kelly Preston to worry about. Me? I’m more concerned with his efforts in the sky. And no one, NO ONE, is more showboaty about their aviation skills than John Travolta.
Danny Zuko/Vincent Vega/Tony Manero/Michael the Angel first got his wings in 1974 and has since spent many an hour contributing to global warming in a major way whilst carting his ever growing entourage (waistline) around the world in a Boeing 707 named “Jett Clipper”.
Travs is an ambassador for Qantas (he even did a Qantas in-flight safety video) and, in 2010, in a magnificent display of heroism/desperate bid for a decent photo op, the Jaymeister flew his 707 to Haiti to deliver a fuckload of emergency supplies to the stricken people.
But… Let’s talk about his house for just a second. It’s a heckin’ airport house! I kid you not. John “James Ubriacco” Travolta lives in this house: That’s a control tower on the roof there. That’s his Qantas 707 parked in the “garage” (couldn’t you have built something a little bigger, Jay?). The smaller one must just be the one he uses for tippin’ about in. You know, for the school run, to the shop for a litre of milk, that kind of thing). The house is in Florida in a place called Jumbolair Aviation Estates. Residents of Jumbolair have the reassurance of a gated community and access to two runways. They have their own (crummy) website and host community events like rodeos and barbeques and shit to which I bet Jay Travs goes to approximately NONE. But that’s okay because he’s John Travolta and he’s better than you.
#1 BRUCE DICKINSON
A’ight, Imma be honest, John Travolta was the original #1 on this list. I was all done with him and his awesome house and his massive plane. But then I started writing about Bruce. And I realised that I couldn’t justify placing him in the #2 position (Yeah, coz this rundown is so massively relevant to all involved!) when he really deserves #1.
For those who just aren’t sure, Bruce Dickinson is the lead singer with Iron Maiden (I LOVE Iron Maiden!) He’s a great talent as well as a decent guy and an all round heckin’ inspiration! In 2009, ‘Intelligent Life’ magazine said that Bruce was a living example of a polymath. Don’t worry, I didn’t know what it meant either. But google has since informed me that, “a polymath is someone of wide ranging knowledge and learning.” It translates as “having learned much”. In short, my main man Brucey D is a muthafuckin’ genius.
Aside from being the singer in one of the world’s biggest rock bands, Bruce also has a degree in history and an honorary music doctrate. He is an avid fencer, competing internationally and he founded a fencing equipment company called ‘Duellist’. He is a writer, with two books and a movie on his resume. He is also a successful radio host and television presenter. And to top it all off, Bruce is a commercial pilot.
Where John Travolta uses his skills and money to haul his own ass around the world in a jet, Bruce puts his skills to a considerably more considerate use. He was a captain for British airline, Astraeus, flying passengers to their destinations around the world in a 757. He also captains Ed Force One, carrying his bandmates, their crew, equipment, and sometimes even fans from city to city on Iron Maiden tours. In 2006 he flew around 200 British citizens home from Lebanon when there was major conflict going down. In 2008 he stepped up again and flew 180 stranded British citizens home from Egypt. He flew troops out of Afghanistan aaaaaaaaand, after Hurricane Irene last year, Bruce was one of the first pilots ready to fly out and help. I mean, come aaaaaaan!!! What a stand-up guy!
He made this awesomeo TV show called ‘Flying Heavy Metal’, which I have on DVD somewhere (actually it’s pristinely stored in my aviation/military dvd case along with other winners like ‘Ross Kemp In Afghanistan’ and ‘Air Crash Investigation’) in which he took a look at, and often flew, different types of aircraft.
After Astraeus went defunct just there last November, Bruce had quite a bit to say;
“I’m amused that the less well informed seem to be portraying me as having to resort to busking on the streets following the closure of Astraeus. The more astute members of my circle are aware there’s rather more going on in my world. Firstly, I’m already working on a plan to save Astraeus, or at least create a new business with jobs for my friends and former colleagues. This is a serious plan involving people who are very good at their jobs. Secondly, I am also involved in a project which could mean the creation of as many as 1,500 jobs in aerospace in South Wales. Thirdly, I’m a long way into the development of a flight training company – Real World Aviation – which will be perfectly placed to help address the aviation industry’s perennial challenge: producing new and qualified pilots.”
Yipes. And all in the same year that Iron Maiden’s ‘The Final Frontier’ album went to number one in TWENTY EIGHT MUTHAFUCKIN’ COUNTRIES! Good. Man. Bruce.
He’s a class act. An inspiration, I said. Who said rock stars can’t be good role models?! Superiority, thy name is Bruce.
HONORABLE MENTIONS ALSO GO TO:
– Dr. Phil McGraw who has been flying since he was 16
– Clint Eastwood who flies helicopters to avoid traffic
– Giselle Bundchen who also flies helicopters (fair play)
– Kris Kristofferson who worked as a helicopter pilot both in the military and commercially
– Kurt Russell who got his PPL back in 1992
And finally, a shout out to the late, great Patrick Swayze who flew as a private pilot for years and once miraculously escaped injury when he crash landed his Cessna on a suburban road in Arizona. His wiki page says this: “According to the police report, witnesses said that Swayze appeared to be extremely intoxicated and asked for help to remove evidence—an open bottle of wine and a 30-pack of beer—from the crash site.”… Hahaha!! Good man Pat! That’s the way to do it!
So this week I have watched a fairly typical array of seemingly randomly selected broadcastings. Some worth my while, some not so much.
Here’s your pointless rundown of all the crap (and anticrap) I’ve been privy to this week, exclusive of such weekly staples as Teen Mom and Jersey Shore (how ridiculous has Jersey Shore gotten now that they’re super famous?!):
Louis Theroux
I watched two Louis Theroux documentaries this week. ‘Law and Disorder in Philadelphia’ and ‘Gangsta Rap’.
Louis Theroux is, by far, the whitest guy any of us know. And he’s not white like Eminem is white. You know, like “Yeah, I’m white but you can’t touch the swag! And what!?” Nah, Louis is white in more of a Rick Moranis in ‘Honey, I Shrunk The Kids’ kind of a way. And just to provide an example of his whiteness, here’s a quote from Louis’ wiki page:
“Another of his contemporaries was Liberal Democratpolitician, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Cleggwith whom he travelled to America.”
Contemporaries?! Liberal Democrat?! Deputy Prime Minister? Whom!? That sentence is so riddled with white I can just barely handle it!
D’ya remember the documentary that Martin Bashir made about Michael Jackson? Course ya do! It was on on a Monday night and EVERYONE watched it and talked about it the whole next day! D’ya also remember how seemingly lame and awkward Martin was throughout? That’s what Louis is like! He puts himself in these outrageous situations next to outrageous people and then he acts like Hugh Grant, with hilarious/mortifying consequences.
In ‘Law and Disorder in Philadelphia’ he was doing the rounds with the Philadelphia police as they took on the entire cast from ‘The Wire’ (or so it seemed). A friend of mine recently described Louis as someone who “stands awkwardly on the outskirts of situations asking really obvious questions”, and that couldn’t be more on the money.
I think that’s part of the reason why his documentaries are so moreish. On one hand you’re intrigued by the situation he’s in, you actually want to know more about the subject. But on the other hand you kind of just want the ground to open up and swallow you because Louis is so embarrassingly square it makes you want to die!
But it’s like watching a good horror film where you take pleasure in the fear. Except with Louis it’s not so much fear as utter, utter mortification.
I can’t wait to squirm through more.
Senna
I used to be well into Formula One. Back when I was a sprightly young thing of just 16 and it was dominated by the likes of Schumacher, Raikkonen, Alonso, Montoya and Barichello. I’d be up at crazy hours of the morning to watch the races live on ITV. Then I sort of fell out of touch and when I attempted to come back I made discoveries like, Kimi Raikkonen had gone to the WRC, Juan Pablo Montoya was a NASCAR driver and some kid called Sebastian Vettel was world champion. It was sheer madness and I just couldn’t get down with it.
Anyways, so I was intrigued to watch this documentary about Ayrton Senna. I went into it with just a basic knowledge of the man. I knew that he’s considered one of the greatest Formula One drivers of all time. And I knew that he was killed during a race. But that was about it.
But, okay, so here’s the issue I had with the film… Is it meant to have subtitles or no? Because if it is then I watched the wrong version and if it’s not then it’s shocking hard to follow.
Ayrton was Brazilian so a lot of it is in Portuguese. Other parts were en Francais. And there was ne’er a subtitle to be found.
The parts that I was able to follow were admittedly captivating though. That is the saving grace. You don’t need to know anything about the sport to enjoy this film.
Underneath the guise of racing, it’s really just a story about a man who lived for his career. He excelled. He was fiery and outspoken. Passionate and cutting. Dedicated and religious. Mysterious and intelligent. ‘Senna’ is an outsider’s insight into a captivating character who met his end in a premature and shockingly tragic way.
We see him engaged in a bitter rivalry with Alain Prost, hurling insults and accusations. We see him speaking out against the politics of the sport. We see him being welcomed home to Brazil as a hero. It’s as though we’re seeing for the first time the many sides of a man who lived his life as a mysterious individual.
This is one of those films where you come out the other side and you feel like you know the person. Or at least you want to know more of them. If Senna had lived he would only be 52 today. Sad right?
What’s Love Got To Do With It
Based on the life of one Miss Tina Turner, ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It’ was actually pretty good.
I love a good true story. And although this film is “loosely based” on Tina’s autobiography, ‘I, Tina”, I watched it and just pretended it was all verbatim.
Poor ol’ Tina has had a hard enough wee life, mostly at the hands of Ike (played here by Laurence Fishburne). But the best thing about this movie is, without a shadow of a doubt, Angela Bassett. You know when you see a really good impressionist and it’s so uncanny you almost can’t believe it? Well this pretty much just two hours of the best Tina Turner impression you’ve ever seen. She doesn’t much look like Tina and I’m pretty sure she mimed all the singing bits but still… I believed her.
I knew very little about Tina going into this one. Actually, scratch that. I knew nothing about Tina going into this one. But now, I’d neeeeaaarly put some Tina on my ipod (No I heckin’ wont! Don’t be ridiculous!). But I certainly think more of her having watched this film. Yo go Tina!
American Psycho
I know, I know… I should have seen this movie a long ass time ago. It’s my bad. I guess I was too preoccupied with other classics like ‘Mac and Me’ and ‘Howard The Duck’.
But lookit, better late than never. And I enjoyed this one.
But here, do you watch ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians?’ If you don’t, it’s too much to try and explain. But if you do, two words: SCOTT DISICK! Clearly Scott saw ‘American Psycho’ once upon a time and decided that he was going to base his entire persona on Patrick Bateman. To be fair, he plays the part pretty well but like, cop on, at the same time ‘coz… Who does that?! Nobody over the age of 14 should be trying to base themselves on a movie character less there’s some issues there… Oh wait…
Anyways, yeah, so I thought ‘American Psycho’ was pretty decent. For those of you who are tardier to the party than I was, I’m about to completely spoil the plot here. But usually I’m the person who gets real annoyed when a film ends abruptly without explaining anything. I’ve enjoyed so many movies only to wind up having to hate them for bad endings. I prefer for everything to get neatly tied up, all outstanding questions answered and our heroes to come out on top. That doesn’t happen in ‘American Psycho’. Even after the dramatic climax, nothing gets resolved. Bateman’s confession “has meant nothing.” But, weirdly, I don’t mind. Because I feel like that’s the whole point of it. Did he kill all those people? Was it all in his head? I’ve no idea. Nor do I really care.
All in all I deem ‘American Psycho’ to be an elegantly constructed, perfectly executed, emotionally void tale of a man on the brink. Somehow it manages to be horrifying, violent and detached while also being hilariously satirical and clever at the same time.
I haven’t read the book. And I probably wont. It’d only spoil the movie.
The Rum Diary
When I heard the words, “Johnny Depp” and “Hunter S. Thompson”, my mind immediately came up with its own expectations for this film. Those expectations bore eerily similar to ‘Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas’. If you haven’t seen this film and you want to because, like me, you loved ‘Fear And Loathing’, just stop right there. There’s absolutely no likeness.
‘The Rum Diary’ was meh at best. It’s based on a novel, first of all, and not Hunter himself as was the case with the former (better) film. It’s about this journalist, Paul Kemp (not Ross unfortunately) who goes to Puerto Rico to work for a newspaper. I think we’re meant to think that he’s a wild alcoholic but, to be honest, he only seems to get mildly drunk every now and again, which is very disappointing and not what one would expect going in.
Truth is, very little happens in this film. It has a few funny moments, like when they drive the shitty little car after it gets vandalised. But it’s otherwise fairly vapid. The character of Morbeg (played by Phoebe’s brother) is rage-inducingly overacted and unbelievable and IMHO should have been left on the cutting room floor/ played by someone who would have done it differently.
I read two things about the director:
1) This was his first film in almost twenty years and,
2) He was six years sober and took up drinking again to write this film.
Yeah, ya can tell.
Truth be told, ‘The Rum Diary’ is essentially, about nothing. But not in an awesome way like the way ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ is about nothing. It’s about nothing in a way that means I’ve forgotten most of it and have no intention of ever watching it again.
The Descendants
I find George Clooney creepy as shit! There I said it. I think it stems from the scene in ‘Burn After Reading’ where he shoots Brad Pitt in the face (a scene that has haunted me since seeing it, for some reason). I don’t know. I just don’t like George Clooney. You’re 50 years old. Stop dating models. Settle down and have children. You know what I mean? So, I guess I went into this one biased against him. Which is not really fair, but here we are.
‘The Descendants’ has garnered a lot of hype. It won two Golden Globes and has a few Oscar nominations. I’m trying to figure out if I’m missing something or if there’s just a lack of decent films on the go this year.
So, this one is about a man who lives in Hawaii and his wife has an accident and winds up in a coma. He finds out that she was cheating on him with Stuart from ‘Scream’ and goes about finding him. There’s a subplot about how his family inherited a load of pristine land (hence the title of the film I guess) and they want to sell but then they have to think about the impact of selling on the island and ah, it’s all a tad unfuckingnecessary really.
Like, it was okay. It’s like a film that you’d see on TV3 at 4pm on a Sunday afternoon. Ya know the kind. The type of movie that you can switch on when it’s already an hour in and still follow. Not the type that gets five Oscar nods. Weird.
The Bridge
Probably not a film for everyone. ‘The Bridge’ is a documentary filmed at San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge in 2004. The director, Eric Steel, filmed the bridge for most of the year and thus ended up capturing 23 suicides.
Apparently more people die by suicide at the Golden Gate Bridge than anywhere else in the world.
Suicide is one of life’s last big taboos. And so of course, you’ll have those who’ll denounce a documentary about it as being tasteless or insensitive. But…This film doesn’t glorify suicide. It doesn’t condemn suicide. It simply shows us a reality that most of us generally refuse to acknowledge. This shit happens. And there’s something compelling about this movie.
We see interviews with friends and families of the “jumpers”. We hear their stories. We almost feel like we know these people. In a lot of cases I think we all know people like these people.
We’re shown footage of these lost souls standing on the bridge. We’re shown their fall, their final moments, before a splash into the water below.
It’s compelling, I think, because for most of us, the thought of suicide is so incomprehensible. How tortured must one be to face and end like that? How desperate? How brave? Or how cowardly? We’re looking at this eerie footage of people atop one of the worlds most astounding structures. It’s beautiful. It’s epic. But this film shows us that for, on average, one person every two weeks, it’s tragic.
Like the film ‘The Falling Man’ in the wake of 9/11, ‘The Bridge’ is a haunting insight into something that most of us just don’t understand. I came out the other side with no better understanding, but certainly a different perspective on San Francisco’s most iconic attraction.
I can’t say that ‘The Bridge’ is brilliant or awful. I can’t summarise it. There’s nothing fancy about it. It just is. And no matter your stance or personal opinion on the content, it is affecting.
You should watch it.
The Artist
Honestly? I turned it off after ten minutes.
The entire thing is in black and white.
There’s no dialogue.
It’s probably perfect for the type of person who wears vintage clothes, rides a bicycle (with a basket and bell), goes to Prague for a holiday, reads old novels and drinks port.
I’m the type of person that wears River Island clothes, drives a Toyota (with an engine and ipod connect), goes to Vegas on holidays (or… wants to, at least), reads autobiographies and drinks vodka.
This is 2012. I realise that trends tend to loop. But we live in an era of million dollar budgets and 3D effects. I’m sure the argument for this film is old-school romanticism but like, no dialogue? Really?!
Maybe I’ll give it another chance in the future but not today.
Thanks.
I’ve watched some other apparently insignificant stuff this week also. I guess none of it was must-see viewing.
But, the Oscars are coming up later this month. There’s a few nominees that I want to see before the big day. You know, stick my oar in and have an opinion. I’ve seen a few of the films that are up.
‘The Help’ looks like it might be good. I also might be interested in ‘The War Horse’, just coz it’s about a horse who has the very same name as my very own pony (Shout out to Joey right now!). I saw ‘Midnight In Paris’ a good while ago, it’s dung, don’t bother. Uhhhh, what else? I feel like there’s no way ‘The Iron Lady’ could be bad with Meryl Streep in the title role (Love Meryl Streep). I’ve no interest in ‘Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy’. Also saw ‘Warrior’ a few weeks back. It was alright aswell, if a smidge unbelievable. ‘The Ides of March’ was decent (even though George Clooney’s in it. Gosling carried the whole thing). I saw ‘Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory’ which was just okay. Certainly not worthy of an Oscar nomination but I’ll go with it. But I want to see ‘Hell And Back Again’ for the military valya.
So… Yeah! It’s all ahead of us. Yay for movies! See ya’ll bitches next time! PEACE!
You know those days where, maybe you’re off work, maybe you’re sick, or maybe you’re just having a lazy Sunday, you’re lounging around the house in your pyjamas, the fire is lit, you’re just going nowhere and that’s it. Next time you have one of those days, can I suggest you watch a load of The Cosby Show? It’s so awesome and funny and familiarly comforting.
To argue my case, I now present you with the top 5 reasons you should watch The Cosby Show…
Bill’s Sweaters
I’m the type of person that doesn’t really mind making a tool out of myself. Odds are, if it looks ridiculous, I’ll wear it. Proudly.
Bill Cosby’s sweaters were DA BOMB! And he maintained the sweater gnarliness (told ya I was bringin’ gnarly back) throughout the eight seasons. I mean, the Huxtables were stylish as hell. You never saw any of ‘em in the same sweater twice.
Check the twin towers sweater with the "explosions" all round!! *exorcist music"
But get this… Fun fact… ALL of those sweaters were designed by a dude called Koos Van Den Akker, a fashion designer who was very popular with the likes of Erik Estrada, Chuck Norris and Richard Simmons! Who knew?! Not I.
I think I might just go ahead and make Cosbyesque sweaters my personal style. Oooooh, I bet there’s so many winners on ebay! FUN!
If only I had more money than I have...
2. Claire’s Parenting
Remember the episode where Vanessa and her buddies snuck off to Baltimore to see The Wretched and they stopped in Wilmington, Delaware for donuts and then the car got stolen and then Claire and Cliff found out and it all went absolutely tits up? D’ya remember the scene in which Claire went ABSOLUTELYAPESHIT on Vanessa’s punk ass?!
Skip to 2 minutes for the rage!
I hecking LOVE when Claire Huxtable gets mad. She loses all her lawyer class and comes over all BOSS. She becomes sarcastic and adopts a “don’t fuck with me or I will end you” attitude that makes me not want to fuck with her for fear that she will consequentially end me.
3. Rudy/Olivia
In the beginning we had Rudy. She was so cute and cheeky. Rudy was for sure my favourite character on the show next to Bill himself. But then Rudy started to get older. She robbed money off Claire to buy a sweater that time. Then, in the episode, ‘The Infantry has Landed’, Rudy “jumped the shark” (.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jumping_the_shark). She got her period. Her and Claire had a “women’s day” and we realised that little Rudy was gone forever.
But then we got Olivia! And she was waaaay cuter than Rudy ever was. That’s So Raven brought a whole new level of cuteness to the show. I can still be found selecting an episode of The Cosbys to watch based on the Olivia:No Olivia ratio. On the real. That happens.
4. Old School Celebrity Cameos
Such as Stevie Wonder, John Ritter, B.B King, Iman, Adam Sandler, Naomi Campbell, Sammy Davis Jr, a very young (and boy like Alicia Keys) and a whole host of other people that we’ve never heard of or seen before but know that they must be somebody based on the audience applause… You know, all these people:
Hey! One of those names is Sheldon Leonard! Big Bang Theory inspiration?
5. Just Bill/Heathcliff in general…
From the way he really, really likes to eat, to the way he picks Olivia up by her jumper, to the way he likes to get a little friskaaay with the missus at the end of most episodes, to the way his dream is to have his kids grow up and get out of his house, to the way he likes jazz even though it’s a silly, silly genre (isn’t it though?!), to the way he thinks he’s really good at DIY, to the way he’s crazy competitive… It’d be neat if Cliff Huxtable was your dad.
Convinced? If you need one last liiiiiitle shove in the right direction (towards the nearest place you can watch The Cosby Show/place where you can buy The Cosby Show on dvd – or VHS if you’re awesome), then I invoke you to consider just the intro alone. They did seven unique versions of that intro in eight seasons. I mean, it’s playing in my head right now as I type. Sure ya couldn’t bate it with a stick! Here’s just one of them for the road…
Okay so I know I’m a little tardy to the party here but I’ve only just gotten around to watching the Golden Globes. It was either that my life is so fulfilling and action packed that I just didn’t get a second to sit down and watch, or that my life is so barren and action lacked (just made that up right there, no messin’!) that I just couldn’t be bothered. In reality, it’s probably that I was far too busy watching something else, seeing as I spend most of my time staring at screens. I watched The Borrowers last Sunday… I know…
Aaaaaanyways, the Golden Globes went down. All the stars dressed up in their best Sunday mass outfits and showed up. They showed up because, as I’ve become aware over the years, the entertainment industry is one that sure loves to congratulate itself. Is not acting still just a profession at the end of the day? I mean, you don’t see plumbers getting all snazzed up and heading to the Plumbers Association Awards. What would that entail? Best Burst Pipe reparation… Best Plumber in a Crisis Situation..
“Accepting the award is John Smith of Smith And Sons Plumbing Solutions.”
“Oh God, I don’t know what to say! Thanks so much. Um, well I’d like to thank my Mam and Dad for ringing yer man from over the road and getting me an apprenticeship all those years ago. I’d like to thank Alan Smith, who has let me away with borrowing the van for personal use many a time. I’d like to thank Handy Hardware for providing me with the chain pipe vice that I used in this job. Couldn’t have done it without you. Most of all, I’d like to thank Jane Jones, the woman who didn’t insulate her pipes in the cold weather. Jane, you’re one in around five. It was a pleasure to work with you, to leave dirty footprints in your house, to drink your tea, to mend your rusty pipes. Thank you. Thank you all.”
The Golden Globes, The Oscars, The Baftas, they’re all just the acting profession equivelent of the Plumbers Association Awards (The PAAs don’t exist, except for in my mind)
No way... I stand corrected...
Ricky Gervais was the host… Again. And he seemed to be the only one aware of just how pretentious and self-indulgent the whole thing really is. He introduced Natalie Portman and was like, “last year our next presenter won both the Golden Globe and the Oscar for her brilliant performance in Black Swan. This year she took some time out to have a baby. Consequentially she’s been nominated for nothing. Pathetic. But she’s learned that valuable lesson that all you already knew. never put family first.”
Of course, most of the sarcastic undertones of Ricky’s gags went over the heads of the yanks who mostly just laughed when they saw Helen Mirren laugh first.
There were winners and losers. Modern Family won. I don’t watch that. Homeland won. I don’t watch that either. The winners were pretty much all from shows that I don’t watch and therefore have nothing to say about. But I’m not here to give you a rundown of the winners anyway. I’m here to make a mockery of the celebrities, which, let’s be honest, sounds way more fun. Riiiiiiiiiiiight?!
So, they were all there anyways. Reese Witherspoon looked BANGIN’!! I mean, you almost wouldn’t notice her SUPERPOINTYCHIN! Angelina Jolie looked pretty good aswell, but she still looked pretty dangerous. For someone who does so much charity work and shit, Angelina sure looks like a menacing bitch! I don’t know what it is about her exactly but she always looks like she probably has a handgun hidden in her bra in case anyone tries to breach her personal space and she knows how to use it. An honorable mention must go out to Salma Hayek who brought the twins out for the occasion.
Reese and her chin... Angelina's packin' heat... But so is Salma..
Our favourite granny-carrying ball of emotions, Kate Winslet won the award for Best Actress in a Mini Series. She wasn’t as gushy as I expected. I thought she’d throw in a few “oh God”s or at least cry a little bit, but she kept it pretty tight. Still got the embarrassing “wrap it up” music though.
Speaking of gushing, can we talk about Michelle Williams? Her acceptance speech for Best Actress in a Musical/Comedy was comprised of her going on and on about the child she has with Heath Ledger. I don’t run around thanking my brother for accomplishments I make in my job. I mean, even Ricky Gervais said, “No need to thank everyone you’ve ever met, or members of your family, who’ve done nothing!”. Heath Ledgers kid did not contribute to you winning this award Michelle Williams. Matter fact, she probably hindered your chances. You won the award despite being a mom, not coz you’re a mom… Moms eh?!
Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy presented some award, I dunno which one, but they did this: Which gains them esteemed entry into my Top Most Favouritest Celebrity Couples, alongside such pairs as: Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi, Seal and Heidi Klum, Jay Z and Beyonce, Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson (I’m feeling inspiration for a whole new blurb here!)…
Leonardo DiCaprio was there. He looked thrilled to see Scorsese win Best Director. But when Ricky was talking about Kim Kardashian the camera cut to Leo and he had a face on him that said, “I have absolutely no idea who Kim Kardashian is. I’m trying to look like I care. I’m so bored. What time is it? Is my car almost here to get me outta this kip I don’t want any of these lowly, dirty TV actors touching me.” And that’s fine because he’s Leonardo DiCaprio and he’s better than the Golden Globes. Matter fact, they should be thanking their lucky stars he bothered his arse showing up.
Speaking of showing up, where the fck was Ryan Gosling?! The man of the hour! Nominated for TWO Golden Globes! Even I’m a Ry Goz convert. Like, I’d DEFINITELY shift Ryan Gosling (and that’s despite the fact that he’s not conventionally good-looking and he speaks with that weird New York/Bostony kind of accent even though he’s totally from Canada, whatthefuckisthatabout?!). But there was no sign of him at the Globes. You’re not Leo DiCaprio, Ryan. You get nominated for TWO Golden Globes, . you should prolly show up. Maybe he was too cool for the Globes just like he was too cool for that TIME magazine award for being the Coolest Person of The Year. Can you imagine being that cool?! Man it must be cool to be Ryan Gosling… Cool.
Sidney Poitier did a tribute to Morgan Freeman. Sidney Poitier is a very old man. As a result of this the tribute resembled a very boring reading during mass recited by the 84 year-old man from down the road and thus, natural reaction meant I kind of zoned out and thought about other things until he was done talking. I do know though, that Morgan Freeman was wearing only one glove (What.. thefuck?) and that when he said, “It may be known as the Cecil B. DeMille Award but in my house it will always be known as the Sidney Poitier award” , I actually thought Sidney was dead on his feet. Absolutely no reaction. Like, I thought maybe someone should just check his pulse real quick.
Sad Boy - Better Than You Boy - Poor Boy - Lovely Boy
Not a whole pile else happened really. Owen Wilson was there. ‘Midnight In Paris’ was up for Best Picture. Ah god love him. It’s hard for Owen to find his place in the Hollywood scene after the whole “trying to kill himself” thing happened. He’s too well known as a comedy actor to play serious roles but we can’t enjoy him in comedies anymore because we know that he’s not a happy-go-lucky scamp at all. He’s a very damaged man. Shit, what if Luke becomes the higher earning Wilson brother!? No, seriously, it’s nice Owen got nominated at least. Might lift his wee spirts a bit.
Oh, can I also just say, I’m ever so pleased that Matt LeBlanc won Best Perfomance in a Television Series! I was feeling a bit sorry for poor Matt of late. The work had kind of dried up after ‘Joey’ got cancelled. He got a bit fat and grey. Him and the wife divorced. He was just a bit pathetic. So I’m glad to see him get some validation. Makes me feel like we’re less likely to read a story about him being found floating in a swimming pool somewhere. Even Matts acceptance speech seemed a bit melancholic and self-deprecating. When thanking the writers he said, “They write a Matt LeBlanc that’s way more interesting than the real thing. I wish I was him”. Awwww, poor Matt LeBlanc.
Other highlights of the show were:
– The Dog from The Artist joining the rest of the cast onstage to collect the award for Best Picture and doing some tricks! He looked a lot like Eddie from Frasier. Member him? Maybe it is Eddie! Maybe after Frasier wrapped he went on and followed his dream to be a movie star and now he’s made it! Damn, if only they’d cut to Kelsey Grammar at that exact moment, we’d have had our answer.
– Queen Latifah bringing some sleaze to the Globes. Bitch Queen L is so muthafuckin’ hood that dress prolly made outta her cash!
– Mark Wahlberg looking like he’d rather be anywhere else. Just like he constantly does. I’d say he is a massive drag to be around. Every party has a pooper and the pooper is Mark Wahlberg.
– Jake Gyllenhaal brought his lovely self out to present an award. Nout wrong with a bit of Jake Gyllenhaal upon an awards show.
So yeah. Then Ricky Gervais ended the show with, “I hope you enjoyed the goodie bags and the champagne and the gold. I hope it took your mind off the recession for a little while. Thanks. Good night.”, and then everybody went and got bananas… Except for Mark Wahlberg. He prolly just went home.
Wait! Before you go any further I feel that I must offer some kind of warning. If you haven’t seen ‘Exit Through The Gift Shop’ and you plan on it, you probably shouldn’t read any more of this article. Imma try not to spoil any major plotlines here but I can’t guarantee, so… Heads up!
I watched that film, ‘Through The Gift Shop’ by Banksy last night. It was actually pretty good. Alls I knew about it was that it was nominated for an Oscar and that there’s speculation that it’s all a big hoax by Banksy.
Usually I find it disappointing when I find out that things I believe in are bogus. Like ‘Catfish’. I watched that under strict instructions not to do any research beforehand. And I really liked it. When Nev and the gang landed at yer ones’ house I was fairly certain that some INTENSE SHIT WAS GONNA GO DOWN!!! In hindsight, what actually went down was relatively tame when compared with what I was expecting (I dunno, like Nevs’ mam in a shallow grave or some shit). But anyway, that’s still a good movie. I’ve watched it several times since and still enjoy it. Anyways, the first time, I did what I always do after I watch a movie and that’s to go and look it up online, find out when and where and how and why these films are made. And I find out that there’s mass speculation that ‘Catfish’ was a hoax. You know, they’re saying that it all just worked out too well for it to be real. Like why were they filming Nevs’ Facebook use so early on? It just all played out so nicely. I dunno, maybe it is a hoax, maybe they just got lucky with how it all went down. I still maintain that ‘Catfish’ is a great watch, but it’s definitely disappointing to have the seed of doubt planted.
Anyways, so it’s the same kind of deal with ‘Exit Through The Gift Shop’. It’s a documentary about this guy, Thierry Guetta (No relation to David, unfortunately) who films everything and then he gets involved in and subsequently obsessed with street art. He starts to make a film about it, discovers Banksy and makes a film. But Banksy thinks his film is shit and ends up turning the camera on Guetta as he strives to make a name for himself as an artist.
J'aime les baguettes et danser dans la bibliotheque avec ma moustache!
All in all it’s pretty interesting stuff. I was intrigued by Banksy anyway, which is why I watched the film in the first place. So afterwards, I planted by butt in front of the computer to do a bit of research. And I find out what? That there’s mass speculation that the whole film is a massive hoax by Banksy.
But instead of being disappointed at the thought of being conned by another documentary, the notion that it might be fake just intrigues me even more. I mean, is Banksy just a lucky vandal or is he actually an out and out genius? I’m leaning for the latter.
The suspicion is that Thierry Guetta (or Mr. Brainwash, if you will) is just a ruse for Banksy himself; that he got this guy to act as Mr. Brainwash and that Banksy actually created all the artwork himself. Like with ‘Catfish’, the story works out very well. This guy just happens to film everything. He just happens upon street art. He just happens to get hooked up with Banksy. Banksy just happens to allow him to be the first ever person to film him at work. Thierry just happens to be a very comical and exaggerated Frenchman. It all just happens to go down in such a way that it makes a great documentary.
Banksy as he appears in the film... Good one..
The truth is, I really don’t care if this one is a fake. Roger Ebert reviewed this movie and said, “The widespread speculation that “Exit Through The Gift Shop” is a hoax only adds to its fascination.”
Thing is though, I don’t know if Banksy is actually all that. Now, don’t get me wrong. I think his work is inspired. He knows how to make a blatant statement and there’s no denying that his images are iconic. But there’s also no denying that the images he creates are pretty similar to those of the French street-artist who came before him, Blek Le Rat.
In the film we see Mr. Brainwash creating a mind-blowingly successful art show without once actually making a piece himself. He comes up with the idea and then he hires people to make it happen. I was watching it thinking, “Sure I could do that.” (But then I tend to think that about a lot of art.) Mr. Brainwash took the idea from Banksy and Banksy took it from Blek Le Rat.
Blek - Banksy - Mr. Brainwash
See, the fing wot makes Banksy so crazy fascinating, for me anyway, is his elusiveness. He’s been defacing properties around the world for a long time now. But we still don’t know who he is. His identity has remained a secret through triumph and controversy. And that has earned him a cult status. It makes him intriguing. The less we know of him, the more we want.
I think that if we knew who Banksy was we wouldn’t have half as much interest in his work. It’s his status as an anonymous renegade that makes him so hip. Over the years there has been vast speculation over his identity. Various photos have emerged claiming to show the real Banksy. Problem is, Banksy himself has had absolutely nothing to say about it. No comment. And less we get confirmation from the man himself, we’re non the wiser. All he has to do to protect himself is deny, deny, deny. Genius.
Banksy?
I like to think that it’s not a case of him being so good that noone’s ever caught him working, but rather, that after going anonymously for this long, there’s enough respect for Banksy that people (that’s us!) will keep his secret. Like, I reckon that if I was ambling down the street and I happened across Banksy, spray can and stencil in hand, that I wouldn’t tell. Actually, you’d feel a bit epic wouldn’t ya?! Like you were part of some awesome club of people who know who Banksy is. That’d be cool.
On one hand we desperately want to know who the renegade master is but on the other, we know that if we had a face to put to the art, the intrigue would be lost, Banksy would no longer be “the elusive Banksy” and we’d be left with just another pop culture artist like Shepard Fairey or Mr. Brainwash himself.
And that’s why the film is so captivating. Maybe it is real. Or maybe it’s just another genius piece of work concocted by the man who’s been having the last laugh since the 1990s. Either way, I like not knowing who Banksy is. I like not knowing if ‘Exit Through The Gift Shop’ is real or not and I like the comfort that comes with knowing that Banksy is out there somewhere, making a mockery of us all with his superior intelligence.
I’m having a bit of a conflict of emotions. You know Chris Brown?
I’m talking about the very first one there: American entertainer (Born 1989), American R&B singer. Well, I mean, Chris Brown is a bad man, right? First, he did this to Rihanna:
Then he got in trouble for saying, “ya’ll niggers is gay” to paparazzi TWICE! Aaaaaand then he went on Good Morning America where he was questioned about what he did to Rihanna (see above) and then apparently went apeshit bananas backstage over it all.
So, Chris Brown is a jerk. I think we can all agree on that one. He’s a spoilt brat who got rich and famous at a young age and has an ego rivalled only by Kanye “word-slingin’ muthafuckin’ genius” West.
But the problem, my friends, is this: Breezy’s got the skills to pay those bills!
After the whole Beating The Metaphorical Shit Out Of Rihanna debacle, I was emphatic about my feelings for Mr Brown. I came over all principled and was all, “any man who’ll lay hands on you once will do it again!” and “Well, I’ll tell you this much, his career is over!” I swore to John Candy that I wouldn’t be tolerating any of this cocky little thugs’ music ever again.
But then…
Damnit Janet! I’m tryin’ to hate this kid! What a tune! After that came ‘Yeah 3x’ and ‘Beautiful People’ and ‘Look At Me Now’ and ‘Next 2 You’ (with the crazy expensive looking video).
Breezy has been doing some serious damage control in the most awesomest way possible; through the medium of music.
Like, he’s clearly still a tool. Chris Brown literally thinks the sun shines out of his ass. He’s absolutely unapologetic for his general bad behaviour and demonstrates this with consistency. He never ever learns his lesson and he’s got a swagger to cripple nations. Except now, influenced and very probably brainwashed by the gnarliness (I’m bringing ‘gnarly’ back) of the tunes, I kinda like that he’s a little prick. I enjoy an exaggerated character. I take amusement in misbehaviour. These are possibly issues I need to take up with my therapist (Note-To-Self: move to America and get a therapist).
Obviously, I don’t condone bad behaviour / I kiiiiiinda do when it’s for comic effect, but, you know, it’s hard to hate on someone who dance like this:
See, I can’t dance for shit so I’m super impressed by people who can!
I really want to hate Chris Brown. He ticks all the boxes. He’s violent. He’s cocky. He’s rude. He’s ignorant. He’s pretentious. He’s egotistical. But I just can’t do it. I mean, even Joe Jonas said that he’s “such a talented dude” and we all know that a Jonas Brother wouldn’t tell us a lie.
It’s the same with Jamie Foxx. He’s an awful bastard. There’s nothing sweet about Jamie. You just know that he lives in a big fuck-off mansion somewhere and he hangs out there smoking cigars and weed, shagging ridiculously good-looking women and generally acting like a total prick. But hey! I aint hatin’! I’m a Jamie Foxx fan. Why?… Because he is also in possession of the cababilities to ensure that the bills are paid.
Jamie is an actor (Ray, Jarhead, Collateral, etc), a comedian, a singer, he hosts his own radio show. He’s a jack-of-all-trades and gosh darn it, wouldn’t ya know, he’s really good at all of them! I mean, sure he said that black people just lent Michael Jackson to white people, and sure he said that Miley Cyrus was a white bitch and should do some heroin and catch chlamydia, but like, he also did this:
And let’s be honest, sure ya couldn’t fault that. It’s even got Jake “SEX” Gyllenhaal in the video. So like, if Jake Gyllenhaal liked him enough to be in Jarhead with him AND be in his music video then he’s gotta have some saving grace in his personality. It’s probably that, when he’s not being a racist bastard, he’s being a funny bastard. Everyone likes a funny bastard.
Lookit, the whole point of this post is just to try and justify being a Chris Brown fan for myself really.
“Yeah he’s a domestic abuser buuuut…”
Bottom line is that I need to stand up and accept it. I need to be proud and say MY NAME IS HOLLY AND I LIKE CHRIS BROWN.
And you do aswell a little bit don’t ya?!…. Don’t ya?!…. Yeah ya do! Good for you! High Five!
It’s only been on our screens for a week and already it’s must-see TV. Oh yes, I’m talking about Celebrity Big Brother again! And so, for no good reason, I bring you a selection of the ‘So Far On Celebrity Big Brother’ awards, as invented by and voted for by yours truly. “But why only a selection?”, I hear you say. Well, mostly because each one of these categories takes around half an hour to make up and type out humorously and it’s like, almost midnight anseo, so I’ll bring you more another time. For now, make do please!
Most Likeable (so far): Sonia from Eastenders
Member that time when I was like, “I think Sonia will do a Kerry Katona on this one.”?! Imma go ahead and reiterate that.
Noone was rooting for poor ol’ Natalie a week ago. In fact, when she first went in I was kiiiiinda hoping she’d fall, just for cheap laughs. But fall Sonia did not. No, instead Sonia has spent the past week being kind, humble, funny and so generally up for a laugh that one has to wonder what went through her baby daddy’s mind that time he hammered her with a slipper (true story: http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2011/05/31/natalie-cassidy-s-fiance-adam-cottrell-admits-assaulting-her-with-a-slipper-115875-23169385/).
She did that task on the first night where she had to make a bolox of herself by doing whatever BB instructed her to do, she admitted to being constipated (probably TMI but kudos for the honesty), she ingeniously stole Michael Madsen’s hat for the Jedward task and she proved she’s not two-faced when she told Andrew ‘very straight’ Stone, in the nicest display of blatant honesty about someone’s bratty behaviour ever, that she felt horrible energies off him after the nominations were announced.
We like Natalie coz she’s just like us. The difference being that actually, she’s better than us because, while most of us try to hide our true selves by adopting “cool” quirks or pretending to be totally into abseiling or some shit, Natalie doesn’t do that. She’s in there and, as far as this blogger can tell, she’s just being Natalie, warts and all.
You Go Sonia!
Least Likeable (so far): Nicola McLean
I was going to give this award to Frankie but Nicola swooped in at the last minute and nabbed the prize. Why? Coz she’s a fuckin’ bitch!
We all know a girl like Nicola. She’s the girl that has always been pretty but has never been very popular. She’s the girl that other girls hate. She gets on really well with guys but has very few female friends. She secretly longs for acceptance from her own species but also goes out of her way to alienate them. She just looooooves male attention and doesn’t appreciate when other girls have it instead of her.
Nicola seems to start most sentences with, “I’m not being a bitch but…”. Yeah right! So she wasn’t being a bitch when she said of Georgia, “There’s nothing about her.”? I’m not being a bitch but… clearly Nicola is the way she is because she has no absolutely self-esteem. I’m not sure going into that house is the best thing for her to be honest.
Most Suprising (So Far): Michael Madsen
I don’t know what I was expecting from Michael in the beginning but it certainly wasn’t what we got. He’s like, super witty and perceptive! Every time Michael opens his mouth I’m like, “yeeeeeeaah! You totally just called that shit Mr. Blonde!”.
After Natalie and Denise secretly robbed his cowboy hat to give to Jedward the other day, Natasha asked Michael had he found it yet. Michael said,
“I stopped looking for it. If someone took it as a joke then I don’t really give a shit and if I just misplaced it then I’ll probably find it.”
Right on Michael Madsen, right on. He’s like the most laid-back muthafucka in there, just sitting back, shades on, making the most astute judgements on everyone and everything in there.
And how awesome was it when Andrew was all like, “aw I’ve really connected with people in here, especially Michael.” And then Michael nominated him with the reason, “coz he’s a fuckin’ spy!”!? Poor Andy ‘very straight’ Stone thought that they were vibin’, thought that they had a blossoming friendship, thought maybe he could get in with Mr. Blonde and get a role or two. NAH! Mr. Blonde thinks Andy’s a fuckin’ spy! Aw ya just couldn’t write this shit!
Coz he's a fuckin' spy!
Most Hilarious (So Far): Andrew Stone
Andrew ‘very straight’ Stone is, in his own words, “TV gold!”! On the first night I really thought I’d hate Andrew. And in many ways, I do. But, at the same time, Andrew is nothing short of hilarious to watch, in the same kind of way that it’s hilarious to watch fat people falling off things. I dunno if I mentioned this yet but Andrew is very straight. And, for someone who likes the bush, he’s outrageously camp (and as we all know, you just can’t camp in the bush!) and theatrical.
When Natalie nominated him she cited “delusions of grandeur” as one of her reasons. Like, she couldn’t have been more on the money. This guy legit seems to think that he is a huge star, that he’s been around the block, lived a tough life and should be adored by all. All perfectly valid reasons for nominating him but gosh it sure makes for quality entertainment.
Without Andy’s delusions of grandeur he would never have said things like:
“I’m a very big character and I don’t believe anyone could find out who Andrew Stone is in two days.”
Or
“I’ve been very, very, very giving, very loving and very funny.”
Or
“I KNOW my music stuff.”
Although he insisted he was absolutely fine with being nominated, he sulked like a ten-year-old who’s been told they can’t go on their school tour afterwards. When Natalie came forward and told him that he had scared her with his stomping around in the bedroom he COMPLETELYTURNEDTHATSHITAROUND and made her feel bad for saying anything!
And so it appears that the formula for being hilarious on’tellay is as follows: Closeted gay male (delusions of grandeur + amateur dramatics) x Ego (tantrums + denial)
Sidenote: Since I began working on this post our favourite very straight male has been evicted from the Big Brother house. He left the house in a carriage pulled by a white mini pony wearing a little unicorn horn (I swear to god I’m not making this shit up yo!). I guess that makes this award (kinda) posthumous.
QUICKFIRE CATEGORIES:
Least Relevant (So Far): Romeo – The only thing I recall Romeo doing so far is climbing up the ladder in the garden for that first task. C’mon dude! You’re supposed to be the badass heartthrob in there! Step yo game up son! Dumbest (So Far): Kirk Norcross – It seems a bit moot to use the term “So Far” for this award because Kirk Norcross is the guy who, when asked to pinpoint America on a map of the world, put the pin in Eastern Russia. Best Effort (So Far): Gareth Thomas – Looks can be deceiving and Gareth is the proof. I thought that Gareth would be a wee bit estranged from the rest of the group. He’s a sports star and seems like a pretty subdued guy. I thought he’d sit back and watch while the others went mad. But did you see him when Andrew was giving them a dance class?! He was the best dancer there!! He gave it proper socks! Kudos to you Gazza my man, kudos! Finest Bod (So Far): Probably the toughest one to call. Well we all know who it’s NOT going to be (Ahem, Denise, Natalie, Michael, Frankie).
There’s Georgia, but I feel like her body might be just lucky. Like, I reckon Georgia has never seen the inside of a gym. She’s just blessed. So she’s out.
Then there’s Nicola, but she’s admitted that she’s had “eating problems”, so straight away she’s out for setting a bad example.
Romeo’s rockin’ some impressive abs and proved he can do more than one push-up. But we’ve seen so little of Romeo, I just can’t hand this one to him.
Karissa and Kristina have asses that just wont quit!! They also did pretty well in the fitness challenge. We’ve seen them working out in the gym.
But no, even the Playboy twins don’t have anything on the winner of the Finest Bod (So Far) award. It’s only Gareth Thomas! Okay so maybe this is the second ‘So Far’ award he’s received tonight and maybe that’s not completely fair, but it wouldn’t be fair to give this one to anyone else. Gazza is CLEARLY the fittest person in that house. He’s like a gazelle on the treadmill. I mean, he’s gotta have no more than 3% body fat. He’s just a big gay Adonis!
Daaaaaaamn Gazza! Yo abs look tight as fuck!
I dunno. I thought this years’ line up was kinda shitty but now I’m sort of changing my mind. I just hope that it doesn’t go downhill now that Andy Stone has frolicked, limp wrested, off back into the real world. They could always send in Lindsay Lohan… PLEASESENDINLINDSAYLOHAN!!
sureitsallabitofcraic 