The Best Thing I Watched This Week…

Wull. How’s it goin’?

So this week I have watched a fairly typical array of seemingly randomly selected broadcastings. Some worth my while, some not so much.

Here’s your pointless rundown of all the crap (and anticrap) I’ve been privy to this week, exclusive of such weekly staples as Teen Mom and Jersey Shore (how ridiculous has Jersey Shore gotten now that they’re super famous?!):

 

Louis Theroux

I watched two Louis Theroux documentaries this week. ‘Law and Disorder in Philadelphia’ and ‘Gangsta Rap’.

Louis Theroux is, by far, the whitest guy any of us know. And he’s not white like Eminem is white. You know, like “Yeah, I’m white but you can’t touch the swag! And what!?” Nah, Louis is white in more of a Rick Moranis in ‘Honey, I Shrunk The Kids’ kind of a way. And just to provide an example of his whiteness, here’s a quote from Louis’ wiki page:

“Another of his contemporaries was Liberal Democrat politician, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg with whom he travelled to America.”

Contemporaries?! Liberal Democrat?! Deputy Prime Minister? Whom!? That sentence is so riddled with white I can just barely handle it!

D’ya remember the documentary that Martin Bashir made about Michael Jackson? Course ya do! It was on on a Monday night and EVERYONE watched it and talked about it the whole next day! D’ya also remember how seemingly lame and awkward Martin was throughout? That’s what Louis is like! He puts himself in these outrageous situations next to outrageous people and then he acts like Hugh Grant, with hilarious/mortifying consequences.

In ‘Law and Disorder in Philadelphia’ he was doing the rounds with the Philadelphia police as they took on the entire cast from ‘The Wire’ (or so it seemed). A friend of mine recently described Louis as someone who “stands awkwardly on the outskirts of situations asking really obvious questions”, and that couldn’t be more on the money.

I think that’s part of the reason why his documentaries are so moreish. On one hand you’re intrigued by the situation he’s in, you actually want to know more about the subject. But on the other hand you kind of just want the ground to open up and swallow you because Louis is so embarrassingly square it makes you want to die!

But it’s like watching a good horror film where you take pleasure in the fear. Except with Louis it’s not so much fear as utter, utter mortification.

I can’t wait to squirm through more.

 

Senna

I used to be well into Formula One. Back when I was a sprightly young thing of just 16 and it was dominated by the likes of  Schumacher, Raikkonen, Alonso, Montoya and Barichello. I’d be up at crazy hours of the morning to watch the races live on ITV. Then I sort of fell out of touch and when I attempted to come back I made discoveries like, Kimi Raikkonen had gone to the WRC, Juan Pablo Montoya was a NASCAR driver and some kid called Sebastian Vettel was world champion. It was sheer madness and I just couldn’t get down with it.

Anyways, so I was intrigued to watch this documentary about Ayrton Senna. I went into it with just a basic knowledge of the man. I knew that he’s considered one of the greatest Formula One drivers of all time. And I knew that he was killed during a race. But that was about it.

But, okay, so here’s the issue I had with the film… Is it meant to have subtitles or no? Because if it is then I watched the wrong version and if it’s not then it’s shocking hard to follow.

Ayrton was Brazilian so a lot of it is in Portuguese. Other parts were en Francais. And there was ne’er a subtitle to be found.

The parts that I was able to follow were admittedly captivating though. That is the saving grace. You don’t need to know anything about the sport to enjoy this film.

Underneath the guise of racing, it’s really just a story about a man who lived for his career. He excelled. He was fiery and outspoken. Passionate and cutting. Dedicated and religious. Mysterious and intelligent. ‘Senna’ is an outsider’s insight into a captivating character who met his end in a premature and shockingly tragic way.

We see him engaged in a bitter rivalry with Alain Prost, hurling insults and accusations. We see him speaking out against the politics of the sport. We see him being welcomed home to Brazil as a hero. It’s as though we’re seeing for the first time the many sides of a man who lived his life as a mysterious individual.

This is one of those films where you come out the other side and you feel like you know the person. Or at least you want to know more of them. If Senna had lived he would only be 52 today. Sad right?

 

What’s Love Got To Do With It

Based on the life of one Miss Tina Turner, ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It’ was actually pretty good.

I love a good true story. And although this film is “loosely based” on Tina’s autobiography, ‘I, Tina”, I watched it and just pretended it was all verbatim.

Poor ol’ Tina has had a hard enough wee life, mostly at the hands of Ike (played here by Laurence Fishburne). But the best thing about this movie is, without a shadow of a doubt, Angela Bassett. You know when you see a really good impressionist and it’s so uncanny you almost can’t believe it? Well this pretty much just two hours of the best Tina Turner impression you’ve ever seen. She doesn’t much look like Tina and I’m pretty sure she mimed all the singing bits but still… I believed her.

I knew very little about Tina going into this one. Actually, scratch that. I knew nothing about Tina going into this one. But now, I’d neeeeaaarly put some Tina on my ipod (No I heckin’ wont! Don’t be ridiculous!). But I certainly think more of her having watched this film. Yo go Tina!

 

American Psycho

I know, I know… I should have seen this movie a long ass time ago. It’s my bad. I guess I was too preoccupied with other classics like ‘Mac and Me’ and ‘Howard The Duck’.

But lookit, better late than never. And I enjoyed this one.

But here, do you watch ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians?’ If you don’t, it’s too much to try and explain. But if you do, two words: SCOTT DISICK! Clearly Scott saw ‘American Psycho’ once upon a time and decided that he was going to base his entire persona on Patrick Bateman. To be fair, he plays the part pretty well but like, cop on, at the same time ‘coz… Who does that?! Nobody over the age of 14 should be trying to base themselves on a movie character less there’s some issues there… Oh wait…

Anyways, yeah, so I thought ‘American Psycho’ was pretty decent. For those of you who are tardier to the party than I was, I’m about to completely spoil the plot here. But usually I’m the person who gets real annoyed when a film ends abruptly without explaining anything. I’ve enjoyed so many movies only to wind up having to hate them for bad endings. I prefer for everything to get neatly tied up, all outstanding questions answered and our heroes to come out on top. That doesn’t happen in ‘American Psycho’. Even after the dramatic climax, nothing gets resolved. Bateman’s confession “has meant nothing.” But, weirdly, I don’t mind. Because I feel like that’s the whole point of it. Did he kill all those people? Was it all in his head? I’ve no idea. Nor do I really care.

All in all I deem ‘American Psycho’ to be an elegantly constructed, perfectly executed, emotionally void tale of a man on the brink. Somehow it manages to be horrifying, violent and detached while also being hilariously satirical and clever at the same time.

I haven’t read the book. And I probably wont. It’d only spoil the movie.

 

The Rum Diary

When I heard the words, “Johnny Depp” and “Hunter S. Thompson”, my mind immediately came up with its own expectations for this film. Those expectations bore eerily similar to ‘Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas’. If you haven’t seen this film and you want to because, like me, you loved ‘Fear And Loathing’, just stop right there. There’s absolutely no likeness.

‘The Rum Diary’ was meh at best. It’s based on a novel, first of all, and not Hunter himself as was the case with the former (better) film. It’s about this journalist, Paul Kemp (not Ross unfortunately) who goes to Puerto Rico to work for a newspaper. I think we’re meant to think that he’s a wild alcoholic but, to be honest, he only seems to get mildly drunk every now and again, which is very disappointing and not what one would expect going in.

Truth is, very little happens in this film. It has a few funny moments, like when they drive the shitty little car after it gets vandalised. But it’s otherwise fairly vapid. The character of Morbeg (played by Phoebe’s brother) is rage-inducingly overacted and unbelievable and IMHO should have been left on the cutting room floor/ played by someone who would have done it differently.

I read two things about the director:

1)    This was his first film in almost twenty years and,

2)    He was six years sober and took up drinking again to write this film.

Yeah, ya can tell.

Truth be told, ‘The Rum Diary’ is essentially, about nothing. But not in an awesome way like the way ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ is about nothing. It’s about nothing in a way that means I’ve forgotten most of it and have no intention of ever watching it again.

 

The Descendants

I find George Clooney creepy as shit! There I said it. I think it stems from the scene in ‘Burn After Reading’ where he shoots Brad Pitt in the face (a scene that has haunted me since seeing it, for some reason). I don’t know. I just don’t like George Clooney. You’re 50 years old. Stop dating models. Settle down and have children. You know what I mean? So, I guess I went into this one biased against him. Which is not really fair, but here we are.

‘The Descendants’ has garnered a lot of hype. It won two Golden Globes and has a few Oscar nominations. I’m trying to figure out if I’m missing something or if there’s just a lack of decent films on the go this year.

So, this one is about a man who lives in Hawaii and his wife has an accident and winds up in a coma. He finds out that she was cheating on him with Stuart from ‘Scream’ and goes about finding him. There’s a subplot about how his family inherited a load of pristine land (hence the title of the film I guess) and they want to sell but then they have to think about the impact of selling on the island and ah, it’s all a tad unfuckingnecessary really.

Like, it was okay. It’s like a film that you’d see on TV3 at 4pm on a Sunday afternoon. Ya know the kind. The type of movie that you can switch on when it’s already an hour in and still follow. Not the type that gets five Oscar nods. Weird.

 

The Bridge

Probably not a film for everyone. ‘The Bridge’ is a documentary filmed at San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge in 2004. The director, Eric Steel, filmed the bridge for most of the year and thus ended up capturing 23 suicides.

Apparently more people die by suicide at the Golden Gate Bridge than anywhere else in the world.

Suicide is one of life’s last big taboos. And so of course, you’ll have those who’ll denounce a documentary about it as being tasteless or insensitive. But…This film doesn’t glorify suicide. It doesn’t condemn suicide. It simply shows us a reality that most of us generally refuse to acknowledge. This shit happens. And there’s something compelling about this movie.

We see interviews with friends and families of the “jumpers”. We hear their stories. We almost feel like we know these people. In a lot of cases I think we all know people like these people.

We’re shown footage of these lost souls standing on the bridge. We’re shown their fall, their final moments, before a splash into the water below.

It’s compelling, I think, because for most of us, the thought of suicide is so incomprehensible. How tortured must one be to face and end like that? How desperate? How brave? Or how cowardly? We’re looking at this eerie footage of people atop one of the worlds most astounding structures. It’s beautiful. It’s epic. But this film shows us that for, on average, one person every two weeks, it’s tragic.

Like the film ‘The Falling Man’ in the wake of 9/11, ‘The Bridge’ is a haunting insight into something that most of us just don’t understand.  I came out the other side with no better understanding, but certainly a different perspective on San Francisco’s most iconic attraction.

I can’t say that ‘The Bridge’ is brilliant or awful. I can’t summarise it. There’s nothing fancy about it. It just is. And no matter your stance or personal opinion on the content, it is affecting.

You should watch it.

 

The Artist

Honestly? I turned it off after ten minutes.

The entire thing is in black and white.

There’s no dialogue.

It’s probably perfect for the type of person who wears vintage clothes, rides a bicycle (with a basket and bell), goes to Prague for a holiday, reads old novels and drinks port.

I’m the type of person that wears River Island clothes, drives a Toyota (with an engine and ipod connect), goes to Vegas on holidays (or… wants to, at least), reads autobiographies and drinks vodka.

This is 2012. I realise that trends tend to loop. But we live in an era of million dollar budgets and 3D effects. I’m sure the argument for this film is old-school romanticism but like, no dialogue? Really?!

Maybe I’ll give it another chance in the future but not today.

Thanks.

 

I’ve watched some other apparently insignificant stuff this week also. I guess none of it was must-see viewing.

But, the Oscars are coming up later this month. There’s a few nominees that I want to see before the big day. You know, stick my oar in and have an opinion. I’ve seen a few of the films that are up.

‘The Help’ looks like it might be good. I also might be interested in ‘The War Horse’, just coz it’s about a horse who has the very same name as my very own pony (Shout out to Joey right now!). I saw ‘Midnight In Paris’ a good while ago, it’s dung, don’t bother. Uhhhh, what else? I feel like there’s no way ‘The Iron Lady’ could be bad with Meryl Streep in the title role (Love Meryl Streep). I’ve no interest in ‘Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy’. Also saw ‘Warrior’ a few weeks back. It was alright aswell, if a smidge unbelievable. ‘The Ides of March’ was decent (even though George Clooney’s in it. Gosling carried the whole thing). I saw ‘Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory’ which was just okay. Certainly not worthy of an Oscar nomination but I’ll go with it. But I want to see ‘Hell And Back Again’ for the military valya.

So… Yeah! It’s all ahead of us. Yay for movies! See ya’ll bitches next time! PEACE!

Apparently The Golden Globes Went Down…

Okay so I know I’m a little tardy to the party here but I’ve only just gotten around to watching the Golden Globes. It was either that my life is so fulfilling and action packed that I just didn’t get a second to sit down and watch, or that my life is so barren and action lacked (just made that up right there, no messin’!) that I just couldn’t be bothered. In reality, it’s probably that I was far too busy watching something else, seeing as I spend most of my time staring at screens. I watched The Borrowers last Sunday… I know…

Aaaaaanyways, the Golden Globes went down. All the stars dressed up in their best Sunday mass outfits and showed up. They showed up because, as I’ve become aware over the years, the entertainment industry is one that sure loves to congratulate itself. Is not acting still just a profession at the end of the day? I mean, you don’t see plumbers getting all snazzed up and heading to the Plumbers Association Awards. What would that entail? Best Burst Pipe reparation… Best Plumber in a Crisis Situation..

“Accepting the award is John Smith of Smith And Sons Plumbing Solutions.”

“Oh God, I don’t know what to say! Thanks so much. Um, well I’d like to thank my Mam and Dad for ringing yer man from over the road and getting me an apprenticeship all those years ago. I’d like to thank Alan Smith, who has let me away with borrowing the van for personal use many a time. I’d like to thank Handy Hardware for providing me with the chain pipe vice that I used in this job. Couldn’t have done it without you. Most of all, I’d like to thank Jane Jones, the woman who didn’t insulate her pipes in the cold weather. Jane, you’re one in around five. It was a pleasure to work with you, to leave dirty footprints in your house, to drink your tea, to mend your rusty pipes. Thank you. Thank you all.”

The Golden Globes, The Oscars, The Baftas, they’re all just the acting profession equivelent of the Plumbers Association Awards (The PAAs don’t exist, except for in my mind)

No way... I stand corrected...

Ricky Gervais was the host… Again. And he seemed to  be the only one aware of just how pretentious and self-indulgent the whole thing really is. He introduced Natalie Portman and was like, “last year our next presenter won both the Golden Globe and the Oscar for her brilliant performance in Black Swan. This year she took some time out to have a baby. Consequentially she’s been nominated for nothing. Pathetic. But she’s learned that valuable lesson that all you already knew. never put family first.” 

Of course, most of the sarcastic undertones of Ricky’s gags went over the heads of the yanks who mostly just laughed when they saw Helen Mirren laugh first.

There were winners and losers. Modern Family won. I don’t watch that. Homeland won. I don’t watch that either. The winners were pretty much all from shows that I don’t watch and therefore have nothing to say about. But I’m not here to give you a rundown of the winners anyway. I’m here to make a mockery of the celebrities, which, let’s be honest, sounds way more fun. Riiiiiiiiiiiight?!

So, they were all there anyways. Reese Witherspoon looked BANGIN’!! I mean, you almost wouldn’t notice her SUPERPOINTYCHIN! Angelina Jolie looked pretty good aswell, but she still looked pretty dangerous. For someone who does so much charity work and shit, Angelina sure looks like a menacing bitch! I don’t know what it is about her exactly but she always looks like she probably has a handgun hidden in her bra in case anyone tries to breach her personal space and she knows how to use it. An honorable mention must go out to Salma Hayek who brought the twins out for the occasion.

Reese and her chin... Angelina's packin' heat... But so is Salma..

Our favourite granny-carrying ball of emotions, Kate Winslet won the award for Best Actress in a Mini Series. She wasn’t as gushy as I expected. I thought she’d throw in a few “oh God”s or at least cry a little bit, but she kept it pretty tight. Still got the embarrassing “wrap it up” music though.

Speaking of gushing, can we talk about Michelle Williams? Her acceptance speech for Best Actress in a Musical/Comedy was comprised of her going on and on about the child she has with Heath Ledger. I don’t run around thanking my brother for accomplishments I make in my job. I mean, even Ricky Gervais said, “No need to thank everyone you’ve ever met, or members of your family, who’ve done nothing!”. Heath Ledgers kid did not contribute to you winning this award Michelle Williams. Matter fact, she probably hindered your chances. You won the award despite being a mom, not coz you’re a mom… Moms eh?!

Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy presented some award, I dunno which one, but they did this: Which gains them esteemed entry into my Top Most Favouritest Celebrity Couples, alongside such pairs as: Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi, Seal and Heidi Klum, Jay Z and Beyonce, Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson (I’m feeling inspiration for a whole new blurb here!)…

Leonardo DiCaprio was there. He looked thrilled to see Scorsese win Best Director. But when Ricky was talking about Kim Kardashian the camera cut to Leo and he had a face on him that said, “I have absolutely no idea who Kim Kardashian is. I’m trying to look like I care. I’m so bored. What time is it? Is my car almost here to get me outta this kip I don’t want any of these lowly, dirty TV actors touching me.” And that’s fine because he’s Leonardo DiCaprio and he’s better than the Golden Globes. Matter fact, they should be thanking their lucky stars he bothered his arse showing up.

Speaking of showing up, where the fck was Ryan Gosling?! The man of the hour! Nominated for TWO Golden Globes! Even I’m a Ry Goz convert. Like, I’d DEFINITELY shift Ryan Gosling (and that’s despite the fact that he’s not conventionally good-looking and he speaks with that weird New York/Bostony kind of accent even though he’s totally from Canada, whatthefuckisthatabout?!). But there was no sign of him at the Globes. You’re not Leo DiCaprio, Ryan. You get nominated for TWO Golden Globes, . you should prolly show up. Maybe he was too cool for the Globes just like he was too cool for that TIME magazine award for being the Coolest Person of The Year. Can you imagine being that cool?! Man it must be cool to be Ryan Gosling… Cool.

Sidney Poitier did a tribute to Morgan Freeman. Sidney Poitier is a very old man. As a result of this the tribute resembled a very boring reading during mass recited by the 84 year-old man from down the road and thus, natural reaction meant I kind of zoned out and thought about other things until he was done talking. I do know though, that Morgan Freeman was wearing only one glove (What.. thefuck?) and that when he said, “It may be known as the Cecil B. DeMille Award but in my house it will always be known as the Sidney Poitier award” , I actually thought Sidney was dead on his feet. Absolutely no reaction. Like, I thought maybe someone should just check his pulse real quick.

Sad Boy - Better Than You Boy - Poor Boy - Lovely Boy

Not a whole pile else happened really. Owen Wilson was there. ‘Midnight In Paris’ was up for Best Picture. Ah god love him. It’s hard for Owen to find his place in the Hollywood scene after the whole “trying to kill himself” thing happened. He’s too well known as a comedy actor to play serious roles but we can’t enjoy him in comedies anymore because we know that he’s not a happy-go-lucky scamp at all. He’s a very damaged man. Shit, what if Luke becomes the higher earning Wilson brother!? No, seriously, it’s nice Owen got nominated at least. Might lift his wee spirts a bit.

Oh, can I also just say, I’m ever so pleased that Matt LeBlanc won Best Perfomance in a Television Series! I was feeling a bit sorry for poor Matt of late. The work had kind of dried up after ‘Joey’ got cancelled. He got a bit fat and grey. Him and the wife divorced. He was just a bit pathetic. So I’m glad to see him get some validation. Makes me feel like we’re less likely to read a story about him being found floating in a swimming pool somewhere. Even Matts acceptance speech seemed a bit melancholic and self-deprecating. When thanking the writers he said, “They write a Matt LeBlanc that’s way more interesting than the real thing. I wish I was him”. Awwww, poor Matt LeBlanc.

Other highlights of the show were:

– The Dog from The Artist joining the rest of the cast onstage to collect the award for Best Picture and doing some tricks! He looked a lot like Eddie from Frasier. Member him? Maybe it is Eddie! Maybe after Frasier wrapped he went on and followed his dream to be a movie star and now he’s made it! Damn, if only they’d cut to Kelsey Grammar at that exact moment, we’d have had our answer.

(EDIT: Eddie from Frasier is dead.. Boo! http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,1208083,00.html)

– Queen Latifah bringing some sleaze to the Globes. Bitch Queen L is so muthafuckin’ hood that dress prolly made outta her cash!

– Mark Wahlberg looking like he’d rather be anywhere else. Just like he constantly does. I’d say he is a massive drag to be around. Every party has a pooper and the pooper is Mark Wahlberg.

–  Jake Gyllenhaal brought his lovely self out to present an award. Nout wrong with a bit of Jake Gyllenhaal upon an awards show.

So yeah. Then Ricky Gervais ended the show with, “I hope you enjoyed the goodie bags and the champagne and the gold. I hope it took your mind off the recession for a little while. Thanks. Good night.”, and then everybody went and got bananas… Except for Mark Wahlberg. He prolly just went home.

FULL!