Reality TV lovers rejoice! Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens! As usual there’s a lot of people giving out about it. Geez guys, if you don’t want to watch it, don’t watch it. I don’t understand these people who decide they hate something because that’s the “cool” thing to do. I know of one person who watches ‘Jersey Shore’ religiously. This person is also dedicated to ‘The Only Way Is Essex’, ‘Geordie Shore’, ‘Fade Street’ and ‘The X Factor’. Yet, the other day, this person was tweeting about how they were going to watch Celebrity Big Brother and felt ashamed. Um, really? Why, because BB lacks the street cred of the scripted reality shows you prefer? I’m not ashamed to be a BB fan. I’ve been watching since its inception ten years ago. Way back when poor ol’ Craig gave his winnings to his Downs Syndrome friend and Nasty Nick wrote some names on a piece of paper, making him the most hated man in Britain (D’uh!).
So yeah, I, for one, am delighra to have Big Brother back for three whole weeks. When it ends I always have a bit of an empty feeling inside. Like my friends have been to stay and now they’ve left and I’m at a bit of a loss. Then I get over it and get on with my life, but it’s always nice to have ’em back a year later, albeit with different names… and faces… and personalities.
So who has Channel 5 lined up for us this year?
Andrew Stone
Did anyone watch the latest episode of ‘Kourtney And Kim Take New York’ where The Hump was all obsessed with Jonathan’s sexuality and wouldn’t believe he was straight? Well, BB seems to have adopted that storyline for it’s own with Andrew Stone. Andrew is a singer in the band Starman (yeah, know them well, they’re my fave!) who are responsible for such hits as…. oh wait, no. My mistake. They have no hits. They’re not even signed. He’s also a dancer who appeared on the reality show, ‘Pinapple Dance Studios’ with the most irritating man in the world ever, Louie Spence.
Anyways, in ‘Kourtney and Kim Take New York’, when Hump was all up in Jon’s sexuality, Simon weighed in and was all like, “I was outed when I was young and it was the worst experience of my life.” So, I’m not gonna go on and on about Andrew Stone’s sexuality here. According to him (in a convo with Romeo in the garden when Romeo assumed he was gay), he’s not just straight, he’s very straight. Okaaaaaaaaaaay Andy, if you say so. 
Denise Welch
I literally have nothing interesting to say about Denise Welch. She’s one of ITV’s Loose Women. She used to be in Coronation Street. Now she’s on Celebrity Big Brother. I assume they put her in there in the hope that she’d take on the mother role or something, but already I can see that it’s not gonna be the case. Denise was the last one to bed on the first night, up partying with the boys, which you’d think might earn her a few cool points, but you could tell that the boys were like, “fuck away off Denise, you’re old and square and embarrassing.” You know when you go to a family occasion and your mam has one too many glasses of wine and starts asking people if they think she’s a good person and over-insisting that she was wild in her day while trying to be “down with the kids” (Or is that just my mam?)? That’s what Denise Welch brings to the table. I mean, sure, she’ll be good for dropping a few question bombs on the other celebrities, but other than that, I reckon she’ll just be a square. Likeable, but totally lame. 
Frankie Cocozza
The inclusion of Frankie in this years’ line-up actually just makes me mad. Frankie is 18-years-old. He appeared on the X-Factor last year with ne’er a bit of talent to his name, somehow got through based on his “bad boy” antics, won the hearts of easily influenced teen girls across Britain, and then got kicked off the show for doing drugs. That’s it. He has no talent, no career and no manners. Now here he is, with his ridiculous hair, ready to try and keep up his “I’mapartyanimalandIdodrugsandsleeparoundandwillhavesexinthehouse” act for the next three weeks.
My issue with Frankie being there is that, we live in a time where young people are obsessed with celebrity. Kids all want to grow up to be famous. And Frankie’s presence in the Celebrity Big Brother house is sending a message to young people that all you have to do to be famous is misbehave. Frankie says he’s slept with over 90 women. He got kicked off the X-Factor for doing drugs. He’s in the papers every other day falling out of a bar. In short, he’s your typical cocky, disrespectful, intolerable little brat who has a whole world of growing up to do yet.
Maybe Frankie will prove me wrong. Maybe he’ll turn out to be a polite and mannerly young man who only puts on a bad boy show for the public. Or maybe he’ll get what he deserves, be the first one evicted and then (hopefully) just fade into obscurity like all the other X-Factor rejects.
Your hair is ridiculous!!!
Gareth Thomas
I know, right?! Never heard of him. But that’s because I have lady bits and do lady things and Gareth Thomas is known for his participation in “manly” sports things. Gareth Thomas is a retired rubgy player (the first openly gay one I believe). I gather from his wiki page that he was successful enough, which is surprising, because we don’t usually see successful people on this show. I guess times must have been tough enough for Gareth since his retirement.
When he first went into the house, I thought he was French or Italian or something. He speaks with a thick foreign accent. Welsh, as it would turn out. Holy fuck! Sure Wales is only across the lake there! How can he speak so incomprehensibly?!
Anyways, time will tell what he has to offer us. He’s open about his sexuality so maybe he could mentor Andrew Stone on his journey though… Okay, no I said I wouldn’t keep at poor Andrew / WEKNOWYOU’REGAYANDY!!! 
Georgia Salpa
Georgia is such a massive nobody that she doesn’t even have her own wiki page. Alls I know about her is that she’s a glamour model from Killiney. Also, she dated Calum Best.
I feel like Georgia is going to spend her time in the BB house trying to convince everyone that she has class and pretending not to be aware that all the men are trying to get in her pants. The fact that she dated Calum Best makes me preeeeeetty certain that getting into her pants is no big task if you have some kind of celebrity status / ANY kind of celebrity status. I mean, let’s be honest here, no-one who is in that house is in there for the craic of it all, even though that’s what they all say. Let’s call a spade a spade, yiz are all in there because yiz want to be bumped up from z-list to h-list celebrities. Yiz want to be on the front of Closer magazine and yiz want to be invited to a film premiere. Georgia Salpa is barely known in Ireland, so feckin’ NO-ONE in the UK has any notion of who she is. Kirk from ‘The Only Way Is Essex’ has already confessed that he thinks she’s “phwooooooar!”, so I reckon it’s only a matter of time ‘fore they start shamelessly flirting and then, eventually, share a drunken kiss, probably either out in the garden or the old BB cliche of doing it under the duvet after five Tesco brand lagers and she’ll be all, Oh gawwd, I can’t believe I jus did tha! Me ma’ll be watchin’ We can’t do thah again roih!” and then they’ll immediately do it again. Mark my words. Did ya mark ’em? It’s gonna happen.
I'm just a shy, conservative Irish lass.... Swear!
Kristina and Karissa Shannon
These two are twin sisters from Michigan who are famous for being Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends. Is it just me or is the thought of two sisters sharing one wrinkly old man very, very wrong? Like, in an incestuous kind of way…
On first entering the house it immediately became apparent that Kristina and Karissa are both as dumb as a bag of hammers. They’d have to be really, wouldn’t they? They’re American, so they have absolutely no concept of the British sense of humour, which should make for some funny moments.
Other than that, I imagine that they’ll spend their time parading around the house wearing very little at all and not understanding how to do anything. Seriously, I’d be willing to bet that these girls couldn’t make a bed or scramble an egg if their lives depended on it.
Frankie’s in love with them already. Yeah, good luck with that sunshine.
Incest is best?
Kirk Norcross
I guess Kirk saw how well doing Celebrity Big Brother worked out for his former TOWIE castmate, Amy Childs, last year and wanted a slice of the pie aswell.
I actually don’t mind Kirk. I mean, yes he’s obvs a very narcissistic young man, very into his own image and that whole “Essex lifestyle”. But at the same time, watching him going into the house, I feel like Kirk might actually be horribly insecure. He admitted in his entrance video that he hates how he looks without make-up. He had a nose job last year. And he was literally trembling as he entered the house on Thursday night.
I expect that Kirk will spend his time in the house pretending to be a cool, suave dude while secretly desperately hoping for validation from the “real” celebrities. I can see him continuously licking the metaphorical butts of Romeo and Michael Madsen, because those guys have the cool factor imbedded. Poor Kirk. He’s kinda like a chick who used to be fat but then lost weight and got hot but still has the self-doubting mindset of the fat girl. (In fact, I just googled “Kirk Norcross fat” to see if he was, in fact, fat at one point. I don’t think he was, FYI). He’s definitely gonna need his hand held by someone cooler than him to get him through this. Cut to him and Romeo having an epic bromance!
But all in all, I can see this experience working out for Kirk if he plays his cards right. The public loves a genuine, nice lad and I think if Kirk doesn’t try too hard to be the cool guy he so desperately wants to be, then he’ll be okay. He comes from a reality show so he faces the least judgement for this appearance. If he can show us that he’s really not an arrogant, womanising prick, then he could be the nation’s next reality TV sweetheart, a la, Dougie Poynter or Matt Willis.
That's more make-up than I'd wear even on my birthday!
Michael Madsen
I went through a number of emotions when I saw that Mr. Blonde was going into the house. First, joy. I mean, Michael Madsen is a bona fide movie star! What a treat! In a house full of “personalities” it’s exciting to have an actual, real-life star in there. Second emotion, confusion. I mean, Michael Madsen is a bona fide movie star! What the fuck is he thinking? Surely he’s above this. I just keep telling myself that he must just be doing it for a laugh and not give a fuck. Michael Madsen doesn’t need this like the others do. He has a career. He’s mates with Harvey Keitel and Dennis Hopper. He’s done four Tarantino movies, hello?! Third emotion, disbelief. I mean, Michael Madsen is a bona fide movie star! But, in those first few moments when he first went in, I thought he might be crazy as fuck! He was wearing a cowboy hat and an American flag shirt and seemed to think that Natalie Cassidy was some kind of host, there to welcome them to the house and show them the ropes.
I think Michael will go the distance. He’s the biggest celebrity in there this year and so far, he doesn’t seem to have a problem name-dropping (“Al Pacino is a very understated man.”) or sharing stories. Oh I bet he’s got some good stories! He’s also dripping with cool. He doesn’t even have to try. He’s gonna be the alpha male for sure, even though he seems to be hideously sexist and messy and kinda gross in general (the snoring?!). The other guys are gonna be all over him. Andrew Stone has already told him he wants to get drunk with him and “have a scream!”. The way that conversation went the other night you’d almost think that Andrew fancied him, except we already know that Andrew is very straight. 
Natalie Cassidy
And the award for Least Surprising Person To Go Into The Celebrity Big Brother House 2012 goes to…………. Natalie Cassidy!!!!!! Bualadh bos!
Sonia has all the right ingredients for the typical Celebrity BB contestant. She was in Eastenders for far too many years. Then she went on to do a bit of theatre like they all do when they leave the soap that made them. She did a fitness dvd (no laughing!) and was a contestant on Strictly Come Dancing, before getting her own reality show that, god love her, nobody watched.
Now here she is. And you know what, Sonia will fly through this! She might even win! She was the first housemate in and straight away was given a secret task by Big Brother in which she had to wear an earpiece and say whatever BB told her to say. And Sonia was well game! She told Frankie Cocozza that if no-one else would have sex with him in the house, she was up for it. She told the twins that she’d done Playboy UK. She got everyone to hold hands and then she started to cry. It was all very impressive. Ya have to give props to anyone whose willing to make an eejit out of themselves like that.
I think Sonia will do a Kerry Katona on this one. She’s had her troubles in the past, people have been a bit mean, but I feel that she’s gonna make us all eat our words now. I wish I had something nasty to say. Sonia’s so…. I mean, her hair is just… Baaaaah, I can’t do it! She’s to feckin’ nice! 
Nicola McLean
Nicola McLean has done absolutely nothing of any importance ever. She’s a glamour model and a WAG (“I’m not a WAG.”). The biggest break of her career so far came when she was a contestant on ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’ where she came….. 6th. Well done… And God knows, it’s not very likely she’s gonna win this one either.
Nicola, before entering the house, had had twitter wars with TWO of the other housemates and she told Denise Welsh on the first night that people tend not to like her because she’s so insecure she tends to “act a personality”. Then she almost got into an argument with Mr. Blonde and Andrew “very straight” Stone because they reckoned that everyone was getting on really well. Right. Why don’t you just go ahead and leave now Nicola? Save the voters a bit of cash. 
Natasha Giggs
If there was a dictionary entry for “fame-hungry whore”, Natasha Giggs would be the definition. I don’t know what Natasha Giggs does for a living. Nobody does. But we all know why she’s in the public spectrum don’t we?! If you type “Natasha Giggs” into Wikipedia, it will take you directly to the page of one Mr. Ryan Giggs. Funny enough, there’s no mention of her anywhere on his page, but you know why you’ve been directed there.
Natasha is known as the woman who had an eight year affair with her brother-in-law, Ryan Giggs. That is it. That is why she’s famous. That is why she’s in the Big Brother house. She wont go far. She’s too unapologetic. I mean, she’s apologised, buuuuuut, it was an eight year affair with your husband’s brother. Too little, too late love.
I imagine her reason for going into the house is to try and a) convince people that she’s not a detestable, adulterous, attention-seeking, horrible excuse for a woman, and b) carve out some kind of career for herself that involves appearing on reality television shows and doing tell-all interviews. Um, someone should tell her that the proper etiquette after you’ve been bad is to hang your head in shame, be really, super sorry and say that the whole thing has ruined your life.
The celebrities in the house that know who she is already hate her and the ones who don’t (the HILARIOUS conversation where Gareth was asking her who she was! “Your husband’s name is Rhodri Giggs? Anything to Ryan?” SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!) will surely hate her soon enough. We’re only two days in and I already feel like Natasha’s on borrowed time.
How dare you smile?!
Romeo
D’ya remember So Solid Crew? They had this one song this one time. It was like, I got 21 seconds to go! I got 21 seconds to go!” It got a Brit Award like. That’s about the only claim to fame Romeo has going for him. Ah no, that’s not true, he did that song ‘It’s All Gravy’ with Christina Milian that I still sometimes sing when I need to convey that everything is just fine.
So it’s not really too shocking to see him turning up on Celebrity Big Brother. Not like Mr. Blonde, Romeo needs this gig. He needs it to work out, get a few pound in the bank, get his face out there again. Okay, so it’s pretty unlikely that this MC is ever gonna top the charts again. But, you know, a few magazine deals maybe. It might lead to a few more television opportunities. Ya wouldn’t know! We all gotta make a living.
Anyways, for a little thug that was arrested for allegedly attacking someone with a knife in a carpark in 2005 (he was cleared, folks!), Romeo doesn’t seem so bad so far. When Sonia from Eastenders had to choose someone to give up their suitcase, Romeo jumped in and took one for the team. He was bantering with Michael. His reaction to finding out that Andrew is very straight was nothing short of priceless. And then he graciously accepted a fluffy robe from Nicola because he had no pyjamas.
As early impressions go, I think I like Romeo. He seems to have decent manners and a humble disposition. Plus, if Georgia finds herself unable to sink her talons into Kirk, I bet Romeo’d be next on the hitlist. 
And that’s your lot. It’s not the worst line-up ever. I will admit that I’m a bit disappointed Lindsay Lohan’s not in there, as was rumoured in the weeks prior to the show. That would have been hilarious, shout-at-the-screen viewing. But I’ll take Michael Madsen as compensation.
Channel 5 seems to be seeking out younger and better-looking celebrities than Channel 4 ever bothered with, which makes me think that, after ten years, Channel 4 were getting a bit lazy with BB. This move to 5 might turn out to be just the kick up the butt that the show needed. It’s come back revitalised and with a new host (who is doing a great job BTW), a fresh new ‘tude and ready to be down wit da kidz!! And that makes me feel optimistic about the whole thing.
Celeb BB 2012 – Game on!
PS: Andrew Stone is very straight, kay?
sureitsallabitofcraic 