Lewd, Crude, Nude and Tweeting Some Dude…

Last week I read a story that, for no reason I can put my finger on, shook me to my core (lie). I was horrified (lie). It was one of those stories that you hear and then it lingers in the back of your mind for days after, discreetly bothering you at random interludes throughout the day.

The story was about Melanie Sykes and her new toyboy lover, Jack Cockings. They’ve been doing some very racy and public talking about their relationship via Twitter.

We’ve known Melanie for years. She used to do ‘The Big Breakfast’ on Channel 4 way back when. She did ‘Today With Des and Mel’ and ‘Let’s Do Lunch With Gino and Mel’. She did ‘The Vault’ on ITV. She did ads for ‘Head and Shoulders’. She’s done loads of crap. You know, the kinds of shows that tired, slightly overweight housewives watch at 12:30 on a Tuesday afternoon with a cup of tea and a packet of Bourbons while the kids are at school and before the washing machine finishes. Melanie is one of those people that have just always been there. She’s always been around on the telly, smiling, laughing and generally being far too hot to be someone we can all relate to (in the same vein as Myleene Klass). We know her. We like her. She’s a successful television presenter. She has two young boys aged 10 and 8.  Her physique is riDONKulous.

Awww look, it’s Des and Mel! We know them!

Except now Mel has gone and forever tarnished her lovely image by being a cheap, filthy, over-sharing tart on Twitter.

After going through a divorce in 2009, Melanie soldiered on. She got herself a Radio2 show with Alan Carr. She landed a gig hosting ‘Missing Millions’ on ITV. She posed nudey, nude, nude for Esquire magazine in December 2011. And then, in May this year, Melanie did something no self-respecting (and incredibly good-looking) celebrity should ever do. She hooked up with some nobody that she met on Twitter! WHATADUMBBUTT!

The guy is a 26-year-old investment, finance something-or-other whose Twitter handle is @bespokespartan. He’s 15 years her junior. So, what’s that rule for dating younger?  They say that the lowest age you can date is someone half your age plus seven. So Melanie is 41. Half of 41 is 20.5. 20.5 plus 7 is 27.5. Melanie can, therefore, unashamedly date someone who is 27.5 years old. Uh Oh…

Anyways, Melanie clearly is not familiar with this rule and is flagrantly parading her new love on the social media website.

Right, the dirt…

So they met on Twitter in April when Jack, having failed to attract the attention of either Jodie Marsh (“Do you need a boyfriend?”) or Cheryl Cole (“Love you.x”) with his tweets, turned his focus to our Mel. He tweeted her saying, “No way are you 41. Marry me?” He then proceeded, mortifyingly, to barrage her with photos of his kid and pictures of himself working out (awesome. How cool is he?!) until Mel, idiotically, started replying. She followed him. She told him he was “adorable” despite the volume of evidence pointing to him being a cocky, arrogant little prick who was chancing his arm with a celebrity, likely for the amusement of his equally pompous mates.

Jack Cocky, sorry, Cockings… What a stud!

Long story short, they’re now boyfriend and girlfriend and appallingly crude for all to see on Twitter. She’s calling it an incredible modern day romance. I’m calling bullshit. I’m also calling a decidedly short relationship lifespan.

Here’s one exchange:

@MsMelanieSykes: ‘Jack the rabbit I need some bunny love so hop to it!! Xxx boing boing!!! Loooooool xxxxxxx’…@bespokespartan: Only if I can bounce into your face! Xxx’ … @MsMelanieSykes: ‘Will you fill mine? Xxx’

Good. God.

Ahem, I continue…

@bespokespartan: ‘I’m ready and very hard! Bouncy bouncy xxx’… @MsMelanieSykes: ‘Me nips are up! tweak tweak!! Xxx’

@MsMelanieSykes: ‘Get off Twitter and get back in bed! Xxx’ God you are insatiable! I love it! Xxx.’

@MsMelanie Sykes: ‘My white jeans can’t take it anymore gonna have to rip these babies off! X’ and ‘my throat is inflamed can you help? : )’

I mean, you know what I’m sayin’? Tone it the fuck down you guys! I’m delighted that yiz are havin’ great sex and all but some of us are Catholics up in here! All evidence points to Ms Sykes not doing very well free from the constrictions of a daytime watershed.

I have drawn one main conclusion about their relationship…

Poor Melanie Sykes must having some kind of mid-life crisis. She’s the wrong side of 40 now, her kids are getting older, she’s been through a divorce, her career hasn’t panned out quite as well as Holly Willoughby’s and she’s decided “fuck it. Despite having the rockin’ body of an athlete, Melanie lapped up the attention of the brash banker, who, let the records show, has a tattoo on his ass of his mate’s name that he got for “banter” (well done on your life, son). She’s all consumed and flattered by the interest of a “hot” younger man and wants the world to know. She might as well hijack BBC News and announce, “I may not be Claudia Winkleman but I’m hot and young men still want me!” . I mean, I’m assuming that she’s just loving the notoriety that comes with having a toyboy and all the attention that her personal (public) exploits have garnered. Damn it, if she can’t be Kate Thornton then she’s gonna be a whole new Melanie Sykes. Fuck to being a responsible mother. Fuck to being a family-friendly TV personality. Fuck to being in any way respectable. Fuck to dignity. She’s gonna have at it!

See though, the thing is, I’m not saying that she’s out and out wrong. On one hand I’m thinking, good for you. Why not? If she wants to have a toyboy then have one. She’s clearly very satisfied. But Jesus Christ would ya shut the heck up about it on Twitter?!

Her older son is ten years old. No messin’, I know ten-year-olds who are on Twitter. Ten-year-olds today are not like ten-year-olds ten years ago. When I was ten I got on the ol’ dial-up very occasionally and when I did, I was looking up shit like, “horse grooming brush”. These days I’ve got eight-year-old kids telling me about the referendum and saying that Wayne Rooney is a bad man “because he kissed someone else that was wasn’t his wife.” Kids know stuff. They’ve got access yo.

In the days since the media picked up on her smut, Melanie has apparently gained something like 15,000 new followers (I’m one of ‘em!). Perhaps that’s all part of the plan. I don’t know.  What I will say though, is that if she continues down this line, destroying her respectability as a daytime TV figure, unconscientiously producing cripplingly embarrassing ammo for playground bullies to use against her children for years to come and categorically abandoning her sense of morality through her lewd messages, then that’s gonna be 15,000 horrified yet highly entertained individuals.

HOLY. SWEET. JAYSUS!!! She posted this in between bouts of “giddy knickers”.. Like, ya can almost see her.. YIKES!

By all accounts it would seems that @MsMelanieSykes is under the impression that this is a real relationship. This week she tweeted, “‘I’d like to formally announce that @bespokespartan is my boyfriend.” She is evidently oblivious to just how, ahem, whorey, she is actually coming across. See, it’s great to have a full and active sex life and all but there are certain things that just shouldn’t be said on a social networking site to thousands of people. You know, things like, “I’ve got the raging horn, please take me.”

All said and done, the fact is that any dude who tweets,”tweeting while hanging out the back of @MsMelanieSykes”  (yeah… I know) is probably not the man that you’re going to share a long and happy life with. He’s not likely going to be an honourable father figure to your two sons who, in just a few short years, will probably be big enough to give him the slap they’d be entitled to give him.

@bespokespartan: “Should I take @MsMelanieSykes in the ass tonight???” – Oh God! I dunno brother! Maybe just ask her! I don’t… Like, I just can’t… Ugh!

Sigh, and like, the fing is, yeah? I’m sure Melanie Sykes is a very nice person. Despite my scornful mockery, I do really believe that she’s probably as happy and fun as she comes across on-screen. And I s’pose I better also say that ’m sure she’s a great mother. She’s happy with this guy. Maybe he’s decent behind the swag (I said maybe).Maybe the whole sordid thing will do wonders for her career. Get her a spot on Celebrity Juice or something.  I mean, who the fuck am I to have an opinion, right?

But I just… STOP IT MELANIE SYKES! GO BE EROTIC IN PRIVATE!

Note: I began this piece without thinking. I subsequently got carried away. I have since come to realise how utterly irrelevant and fluffy it is… And I’m so very sorry.

The Solution To All Things…

Google is amazing. Google is the king of the search engines. I mean, how often do you hear someone say, “let’s Yahoo! It” or “let’s Bing it”. Doesn’t happen. Google offers us the answers to any question that we may have. It doesn’t care how ridiculous it is. It doesn’t judge.

Recently, my cat was looking a bit poorly. She was squinting and her eye was running. So, predictably enough, away with me to Google to type in “why are my cat’s eyes running?”. Probably an infection was the gist of the 783,000 answers it returned in 0.25 seconds.

But, in between bouts of helping the world find it’s answers and changing it’s logo to honour the anniversaries of things I have mostly never heard of, Google has questions of it’s own. Whether King G actually wants to know or if it’s asking on behalf of an anonymous majority, I’m not sure. But, it’s a beautiful day outside, so what else would I be at but doing my small part to get the answers?

In an awesome show of man and machine working together to educate the world, I started the questions, Google finished ‘em and then we worked together to find the answers. We did ten and then I got a sore back from being curled over this laptop and we decided to conclude. SO! Here we go…

When can a man… Hit a woman?

In short, never. But, that goes with the understanding that it is also never “legally” acceptable for a woman to hit a man.

According to wiki answers, “Hitting or killing someone is against the law, always, regardless of the situation. In some cases it is ‘excused’ by the concept of self-defense. Self defense is not a right. In certain situations it may be permissible by law.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking; What if she’s being an absolute, total bitch? What if she crashed your car? What if she wiped your itunes? What if she served you Greek salad for dinner? What if she says she doesn’t like your best friend?

Apparently… still not okay. Note that this piece is fixed exclusively on “hitting”. I can neither confirm or deny that it is okay to gouge, bite, headbutt or scratch.

Why do people… Hate Nickleback?

Nickleback, the Canadian rock band led by Chad Kroeger and responsible for the song, ‘How You Remind Me’, (Never made it as a wise man.” ‘member it?) have sold over 50 million albums over the course of their incredibly successful 17 years in the biz. However, despite undeniable success, people fucking hate them.

While Nickleback claim status as a rock band, many aficionados dispute this, criticising them for being “poppy”, commercial and repetitive.

Nickleback is the band that everyone loves to hate. Hating them, hating Chad Kroeger and his arrogance, hating the songs, it’s all a big, popular, communal way of saying what Kurt Cobain said way back before he shot himself in the face; “Corporate Rock Sucks”. Funny when one considers that everything about Nickleback and Kroeger (eh!) screams “WE’RE EMULATING GRUNGE!”

Except that while bands like Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Alice In Chains garnered success through luck and determination, Nickleback have ridden their coattails, emerging in 1995, and making every move in a calculated and very deliberate manner. Instead of distaining popularity, as the punks from the 70s determined is the cool thing to do, Kroeger embraces it and pretends to hate it.

So, to conclude, people hate Nickleback because they are corporate rock sell outs who stick to a formula and premeditate every fraction of their careers. Mind you, they’ve made a few pound.

How much does… An abortion cost?

It depends.

Here in good ol’ Catholic, God-fearing Ireland, abortion is illegal unless the mother’s life is threatened by continuing gestation.

But get this, abortion is FREE on the NHS! Who knew?! You need to have two referrals from the doctors and meet conditions of The Abortion Act 1967. Alas, “I’m just not a baby person” probably wont get you an abortion on the NHS.

Private abortions in the UK range from around £500 to £1000 depending on various factors.

A quick search tells us that in the US, “A 2001 study conducted by the Guttmacher Institute found that the average overall cost of an abortion in the United States was $468.”

So, you know, don’t just be running out and paying full-whack for your abortion. Shop around, get the best value, times are hard. Google wont judge you.

At what point does… CPR become necrophilia?

It doesn’t.

If we’re gonna be all anal about it (absolutely no pun intended so don’t even think it!), then I’ll tell you that, technically, necrophilia is an attraction to a corpse.

When we perform CPR on someone, compressing their chest, we are manually pumping that person’s heart, keeping oxygen flowing to the brain and thus, keeping them alive. Ergo, CPR is always performed on a living person. Unless of course, you start performing it on someone who’s already been dead for two hours. Then maybe I’d be concerned about your sexual tendencies. Otherwise, work away my life-saving friends!

Is it legal… To own a monkey in Ireland?

Ah the age old quandary. People have been wondering about the legality of pet monkeys in Ireland for generations.

The answer is yes. You can have a pet monkey in Ireland. You can even get them in the Buy & Sell.

What would happen if I ran… Over a ninja?

Another age old question. I’ve never come across a ninja on the roads myself personally. I’ve also never heard of anyone coming across a ninja whilst on a driving excursion ever. But who am I to say that it doesn’t or cannot happen?

Google brought me to Yahoo! Answers, and there, one very clever guy, who definitely sounded like he spoke from experience said this:

Basically, you laugh to yourself and think you succeed; but you don’t. A number of things can happen:

-If it’s a nice ninja, you just die. You just die right then and there. Just drop down dead.
-If it’s a spiteful ninja, you’ll die a long and painful death. This could take up an hour, a day, or just until you find a way to kill yourself (because you WILL want the pain to end.)
-If it’s a horny ninja, you will die of internal injuries after he rapes you in the *** with his giant blade-penis.
-If it’s a ninja who had some bad luck in a recent relationship, you will die of blood loss after he cuts your scrotum off.

I mean, that all sounds pretty awful. And that’s me taught to drive more cautiously and always, ALWAYS, be aware of crossing ninjas.

Do children… have rights?

Yes they do. Contrary to popular belief, children in 2012 do have rights. What’s more, they’ve got feckin’ loads of ’em!

Children have the right to a name and nationality. They have the right to adequate standard of living. They have the right to healthcare, education and services. They have the right to play and recreation. They have a right to a balanced diet. Children have a right to protection from abuse, neglet, exploitation and discrimination. They have the right to participate in communities. They have the right to be helped first in a disaster. They’ve got the right to have their best interests considered in decisions. They have a right to have a say in decisions. Aw man, there’s tons more.

Kids are so lucky!

What is wrong… With Zac in Emmerdale?

Zac’s got pancreatic cancer guys.

Back in December, Emmerdale did a storyline in which Cain Dingle was attacked. It later came to light that it was Zac who attacked him. Imagine! He attacked his own son. Anyways, it was all grand until Zac started getting really depressed and drinking heavily. Racked with guilt, he lost his job at Home Farm and started behaving very erratically and causing poor aul’ Lisa to become very worried about him. A few weeks later, unwell, Zac went to the doctor. He was sent for scans and it was subsequently revealed that he had pancreatic cancer.

Now… Isn’t that sad? Also, I’d like to clarify that I don’t actually watch that muck.

Is it okay… To eat my period?

I didn’t even hit “Search” on this one. I don’t want to know any more. I don’t want to know who asked the question in the first place and I don’t want to know why. Because the answer is no. The answer is no. The answer will always be no. No. It is not ever okay to eat your period under any circumstances. Period.

How do kids… Make money fast?

A video on youtube says that all kids need to do to make money fast is to click the link below. Says they could earn $100,000 in five weeks. I thought about clicking on the link but noting that “adding comments has been disabled for this video”, I decided not to bother.

In my own experience, seem’s the quickest way for a kid to make a FORTUNE is to make either their First Holy Communion or their Confirmation. I know people who save just so they can afford all the hand-outs that have to be given to children in this country every May.

I’m thinking the Catholic church should come up with some other passage for us to go through that involves everyone we know giving us cards with money in ’em. Like a baptism refresher in our mid-twenties or something. Be class.

Now. Don’t you feel educated? Next time your friend is worried that she wont be able to afford that abortion, next time you find yourself in a dispute with an 8-year-old over their god-given rights, next time you see someone hesitate before starting CPR or you consider getting a pet monkey for your niece’s birthday, be confident. You’re armed with the answers. And you’re there to help.

Irony, thy name is… Me?

I am your archetypal daydreamer. I mostly wander around with my head in the clouds carelessly minding my own bidness until something provokes enough thought that I feel like I have to come down for a minute to say something about it. Well today I read an article that roused me from my mental hibernation (the article was published on heckin’ Sunday like!). It was called ‘The Voice of The People’. It was in Sundays’ ‘Life’ magazine with the Independent and was written by a guy called Declan Lynch.

The subheading read: “There’s a reason why everyone doesn’t have a voice and a reason why bloggers are just bloggers.”

Now, usually I’m not one to give a shit about what’s between the two covers of a magazine that comes free with the Sunday paper but this dude implicated me. He implicated and he criticized me and any other person out there who has the audacity to flaunt freedom of expression in the form of… A blog!

The article wasn’t directly about blogging really. It was about how we have become a nation of uncertain nitwits who call for a referendum at the first hint of a political decision needing to be made. That’s all fair enough but Declan pointed the finger. A bold enough move when you’re pointing it at the majority.

Basically, Mr. Lynch griped sarcastically for a few hundred words about how blogging has become so popular in recent years and how it’s killing “real journalism”. He reckons that because anyone can write a blog, the integrity of the journalistic vocation is, essentially, being shit on by every Tom, Dick and Harry with a laptop and a basic ability to type/form an opinion.

The first conclusion to spring to my mind upon reading the piece was that there was no way in hell that the scribe was below the age of 40. You know that TV show that used to be on BBC called ‘Grumpy Old Men’ where people like Bob Geldof , Jeremy Clarkson, Rory McGrath and the like just sat there and grumbled about things that they didn’t understand? That’s what it put me in mind of. It was like listening to an old man giving out about how it’s far from blogging he was raised and things, of course, were better when he was a buck. And BINGO, further research tells me that Declan Lynch was born in 1961.

Here in Ireland, we’re terrified of change. Kind of the point of Mr. Lynch’s story in the first place. So it’s hypocritical enough to see the article pan out as the words of a middle-aged man who appears petrified that his job might be at risk to some, in his own mocking words, “desperado” with a blog.

The thing is, in one respect, I can appreciate where he’s coming from. I can see why he feels that his professional toes are being stepped on by the simplicity and freedom that the 21^st century and the internet culture provide. There is, no question, an abundance of personal blogs out there covering just about every topic you can think of and laymen with too much time on their hands are behind a vast majority of them.

In another respect, however, I feel that Mr. Lynch is an intolerant old stick-in-the-mud who has a dislike for modernism and the fact that it is now possible for everyone to have a voice regardless of whether they’re endorsed by a publication or not.

I have a degree in Journalism from Dublin City University. I spent three years earning it. About a year and a half into my studies I came to the realisation that, while I loved to write, I had very little interest in resigning myself to a life limited by word counts, deadlines, uninteresting subject matter and the brutality of editors. The reality of the profession was revealed to be a million miles from the idealistic reason I got into it in the first place. Where I wanted journalism to be a craft; something you could be creative with, an outlet for originality and flair, I was thumped in the face with a reality of ruthlessness, confinement and censorship. I finished my studies, graduated with the rest of my class and, while most of my peers ventured off into the cut-throat world of professional journalism, I ventured into the unexpected but wholly more gratifying terrain of childcare, where I today remain.

Point being? That not everyone who writes a blog is an uneducated imbecile who doesn’t deserve a voice, as Mr. Lynch not so discreetly implies. I take exception to the notion that just because a person chooses to write on their own terms it makes them less of a writer than someone who gets paid to roll out mundane “inverted pyramid” style news articles for a broadsheet paper. While a payroll journalist gets the freedom to write about whatever the editor decides, the blogger utilises initiative and crafts something. The blogger has the creative independence that the paid reporter can only hope to someday earn professionally and the blogger can generate as much attention for their work as any byline can for theirs.

The fact is that, as much as old school “I used to have to walk a mile in the snow just to get clean drinking water” grouches like Mr. Lynch are loathe to tolerate it, the internet is the future of communication. Matter fact, it’s not even the future. It’s the present. This month, Encyclopaedia Britannica announced that, after 244 years in print, it would now only be available online. I mean, I love books (I refuse to ever have a Kindle, for example) but if that’s not one of the final nails in the coffin of the printed word, I don’t know what is. Also, here’s a link to an article listing all the major news stories that were broken on twitter (by the layman) before anywhere else: http://www.techradar.com/news/internet/10-news-stories-that-broke-on-twitter-first-719532

In his tirade, Mr. Lynch alleges that “being good is not the point anymore.” Well, I respectfully disagree with that principle. Being “good” remains an essential component in any piece of journalism whether it comes in the form of an article, a column, a blog or even a tweet. Regardless of the encompassing accessibility of blogging to anyone with a notion to be heard in some way, good writers remain; There are people out there who are perceptive, creative, witty, outspoken and ingenious. They write, undiscovered and unappreciated. But doing it for one common reason: A love of writing.

And what’s wrong with that Declan Lynch?

My College Meme Wars…

It’s a funny thing, pop culture. It’s the one thing that binds generations but can divide cultures.

The core of any pop culture is the meme. If we’re gonna be all fancy pants about it I’ll tell you that a meme is defined as follows: “a cultural item that is transmitted by repetition in a manneranalogous to the biological transmission of genes.” Riiiiiiight. In other words, a meme is a reference that is spread through society by recurrence and popularity.

When I was but a naive young teen the height of pop culture was ‘Jackass’. Man I loved that show. I loved Bam Margera. Scooter was all the rage too. My friends and I spent many a Friday night youth disco drunk on Bacardi Breezers, throwing some serious shapes on the dancefloor to ‘The Logical Song’. We also listened to a lot of Linkin Park (who I still believe to be awesome), Eminem and The Red Hot Chili Peppers (By The Way had just come out) and we thought Von Dutch trucker caps were the biz!

I was perfectly happy in my simple adolescent world of copying friends’ homework and knowing all the words to ‘It wasn’t Me’ by Shaggy (TUNE!), but, as is always the way, life was to interject. The Leaving Cert loomed and university beckoned. In the space of three months I was launched into a whole new spectrum of pop culture; college memes.

College is a place full of new discoveries for all the young country cubs like me. We come from the land of GAA and letting your dog roam free (coz c’mon, there’s plenty of land and rabbits to be chased and everyone knows he’s your dog so he’ll be alright. He’ll show up when he’s hungry and done exploring). We’re skilled at things like blocking the gaps in the road when the cattle are being moved, knowing what the weather’s going to be like tomorrow by assessing how it is today and getting people to recognise who we are by mentioning our fathers name. We’re not so adept when it comes to adapting to urban life. We come to the Big Smoke from the Serengeti and we have to deal with shit we aint never had to deal with before! Stuff like, how much does it cost to get the 13A bus from O’Connell St to the Ballymun Road?, like remembering not to walk down Talbot St with your valuables in your hand and like all the John Player Blues. No self respecting country native smokes Johnny Blues! They’re not right!

The college meme is a sub-category of this whole new young, metropolitan culture I was thrown into at 17 years old. A meme is also defined as “an idea, behavior or style that spreads from person to person within a culture.” An example of one “college “meme” that I picked up in my first year of college is ‘Family Guy’. I had heard of ‘Family Guy’ before, but not in any major context. I had lived my life in a world where television consisted of seven channels. And now, Comedy Central!? Paramount!? MTV?! (my four guy roommates and I had a dedicated routine of ‘Next’ and ‘Date My Mom’ every evening on MTV. We used to bet on the outcomes. I mean, we skipped lectures for those shows. It was serious.) Of course, ‘Family Guy’ is one of the many things I picked up in my college years that stuck. We all know what it is these days. It couldn’t be more famous. So, I’m not going to focus on the ones we all know. Imma concentrate on the ones that somehow slipped into the peripherals of our knowledge… The ones we used to know so well…

RODRIGO Y GABRIELA

Rodrigo Y Gabriela actually inspired me to write this piece. It’s not really right to refer to them as a meme but sure anyways, we’re here now. Recently, I was asked about concerts I’ve been to. I realised that I went to A LOT of gigs when I was in college. I got to thinking about the good old days. The Dropkick Murphys at The Ambassador (which no longer hosts music), Velvet Revolver at The Point (which is now the O2 Arena), Iron Maiden at the RDS (which is still the good ol’ RDS), Rodrigo Y Gabriela at The Olympia. And then I remembered how awesome Rodrigo Y Gabriela were and realised that I hadn’t heard anything from them in a very long time. So I saw to it that I got them into my itunes pronto.

Rodrigo Y Gabriela, for anyone who is unfamiliar, are a Mexican guitar playing duo and they are AMAZING! They used to have a heavy metal band in Mexico and then they moved to Ireland and started busking to make a living. Their music was this incredible blend of Spanish guitar with rough heavy metal influences, executed with precision and passion and just obvious years of practice behind it.

They hastily gained a cult following and got bigger and bigger until everyone was talking about them. I went to see them in 2005 at The Olympia Theatre and it was phenomenal, the real idyll of what an intimate acoustic gig should be. 

Mad props! So why did Rodrigo Y Gabriela fall off my radar? Rediscovering them recently confirmed that I had good reason to appreciate them in the first place. To be fair they do have the skills to pay the bills and genuinely deserve success. I can’t recall the moment where I stopped listening to them. It most likely came around the time my trusty block of a ‘Creative Zen’ mp3 player gave up and I came over all hipster with a shiny new ipod.

Anyway, the point is, upon further inspection, Rodrigo Y Gabriela did not fall off my radar at all. In fact, I fell off theirs. As it happens the pair exceeded this little isle of ours with great success. They got a feature on MTV and did what many have tried and failed to do before them and broke the US of A. They were on Jay Leno. They were on Lopez tonight. They even performed for ‘What’s The Craic’ Barack himself! They did some of the score for ‘Pirates of The Caribbean’ and ‘Puss In Boots’ and they just released their 5^th album ‘Area 52’ in January.

So… Shame on me, I guess. Rodrigo Y Gabriela ya’ll. Word!

BEBO

In 2005 I was talked into joining Bebo by a friend of mine who went to college in Maynooth. She said it was a great way to stay in touch. I thought it was just an NUI thing and thus assumed the username, ‘DCUGirl’ to assert my allegiance to my own side. Pretty soon, the whole country and its dog was on there.

Of course, these days we have Facebook and, in comparison, it’s blatantly obvious how juvenile Bebo really was. The site allowed us to choose our own skin (mine was a Snoopy theme). You could upload photos. You had your friends all there on your profile. You could update your status, write a blog, create a poll, draw a picture or “share the luv”. You could even write a story about how you knew people you were friends with. In fairness, Bebo had a lot to offer the young and impressionable it was aimed at. But somehow, for some reason that I can’t quite put my finger on, Facebook is just better.

I will admit that I wasn’t an easy convert. I didn’t understand Facebook at first. I didn’t know what you were supposed to do on a “wall”. The concept of “poking” someone just baffled me and I kept getting notifications telling my that my cousin was sending me shots and that I should send her some back when, in fact, I never received any kind of tiny beverage. I didn’t like it. But that just was the Cancerian in me. In the end I had no choice. None of us had a choice. If social networking sites were a movie trilogy Facebook would be ‘Jurassic Park’, Bebo would be ‘The Lost World’ and MySpace would be ‘Jurassic Park III’ (you can use the ‘Look Who’s Talking’ trilogy either, if you prefer). They’re all decent enough, but you can’t argue that one is significantly better than others.

Face it. Bebo is dead. Facebook is king. Resistance is futile.

Or maybe we should just get off the internet and go get a real life…. Hahahaha!! Nah, I’m just playin’ ya’ll!

HOME AND AWAY

During my college years, my schedule was a lot busier than it is now. Horse-riding on a Monday, €3 drinks in the Old Bar on a Tuesday, Tae Kwon Do on a Wednesday, €3 drinks in Fibbers on a Thursday, rushing for the 109 back to Cavan after lectures on a Friday. But rarely were any of those things permitted to get in the way of me being in front of a television at 6.30PM every evening for ‘Home and Away’.

Now, I do realise that ‘Home and Away’ is not just a college phenomenon. It’s a nationwide phenomenon. ‘Home and Away’ has been shown on RTE since its inception in 1988. That’s a long time. My whole life, in fact. Kind of mental considering it’s like the Aussie version of ‘Fair City’. Regardless, we lapped that shit right up like shimps on a barbie.

Perhaps that’s the very reason it remained a staple throughout university. It reminded us of home (and away?). It was a constant in our otherwise changing lives. It didn’t matter that it was absolutely and completely ridiculous in its’ storylines or that the characters seemed to come and go at lightening speed. They were beautiful. Summer Bay was beautiful. Just like always. The Bay was there to make us feel at home. Just hearing the intro makes me want to go back and live in that time again.

You know we belong together… (You know the words!) You and I forever and ever! No matter where you are, you’re my guiding star. And from the very first moment I saw you, I never felt such emotion. I’m walking on air! Just to know (Just to know!) You are there! HOLD ME IN YOUR ARMS! DON’T LET ME GO! I WANT TO STAY FOREVER! CLOSER EACH DAY! HOME AND AWAY!!!

 

The good news is that ‘Home and Away’ didn’t go anywhere. It’s still right where it should be; on RTE2 at 6.30PM every weekday evening, after ‘The Simpsons’. 24 years. God bless you Ireland and your awesome, silly ways.

CYANIDE AND HAPPINESS (ET AL)

Cyanide and Happiness is a comic strip. I can’t remember who brought it to my attention. I can’t remember why it was brought to my attention. But I do remember finding it very funny.

Cyanide and Happiness wasn’t like anything else that came before it. It was a very specific humour. One that was created by and for Generation Y. Simplistic in its presentation and dark in nature, it managed to be offensive and massively funny without being blatant. It was certainly the first time I’d ever seen an awkward silence translated into a drawing.

And today it’s still just as popular. A new strip is uploaded daily at http://www.explosm.net

Around the same time that Cyanide and Happiness was popular, another meme crept onto the spectrum: Salad Fingers. Salad Fingers was not funny. Salad Fingers was creepy as fuck. Like the infamous, ‘Two Girls One Cup’, it wasn’t something that you showed someone out of love (Not that I would ever inflict ‘Two Girls One Cup’ on anyone!). No, you showed ‘Salad Fingers’ to people to give them the creeps, just like they were given to you. ‘Salad Fingers’ spread through the student community like wildfire, making the hairs on the back of everyones’ neck stand to attention as he passed, caressing rusty things with his… *shivers*…. salad fingers…

CHUCK NORRIS

Chuck Norris doesn’t need a paragraph justifying his place on this list. The facts started appearing around 2005. They’ve been appearing ever since. Here’s some personal favourites:

• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect 4 in three moves.
• Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
• Ghosts sit around the campfire telling Chuck Norris stories.
• Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
• Chuck Norris does not have hair on his testicles because hair cannot grow on steel.
• Chuck Norris does not flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
• Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.
• Chuck Norris leaves messages before the beep.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
• The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he made a mistake.

THE RICKROLL

It’s 8pm. You’re in the library, “working on an assignment” (aka: checking bebo and patrolling the web for… anything, really). It’s quiet. Others are at computers around you silently focusing on their studies. The bad-tempered woman behind the desk is stamping books and peering out over the top of her glasses, looking for anyone she can apprehend. The only sound is that of the printer in the corner, faithfully spitting out notes that will give someone a few hundred extra words on their 2,000 word essay. You see a link to something that catches your interest, I don’t know, “Top 10 Most Badass Grand Theft Auto Moments” or something of the like. “Oooh,” you think. “I am interested in finding out what  the top ten most badass Grand Theft Auto moments are.” You click on the link. 

BAM! You just been Rickroll’d! Daaaaaaamn! Now everyone’s looking at you and you can feel the eyes of the bad-tempered woman glaring at you from behind her desk. The only solution is to turn tomato red, ‘X’ out of the video as fast as possible and pretend it never happened. How could you be so foolish!? You should have known better. Stoopid Rick Astley and his sneaky ways!

 

I’m four years out of college now. My little sister is now in her first year in good ol’ DCU. And from what I can see, some things never change. They just evolve. Trolling is all the rage. ‘Know Your Meme’ refers to trolling as, “any behavior that is meant to intentionally anger or frustrate someone else.”  I can see the humour in that. Angry people are funny. Especially when they’re angry over ridiculous things. Here’s Aziz Ansari demonstrating just how amusing trolling can be: 

 

Inspired by posts on sites like ‘FailBlog’ and ‘I Can Has Cheezburger?’ as well as all those goddamned Facebook groups, the memes we see these days looks something like this: 

 

We had Rodrigo Y Gabriela, a Mexican guitar duo. Now we have The Rubberbandits, an Irish comedy hip-hop duo.

We had ‘Bebo Stunnahs’, a group of young girls, caked in make-up and doing “sexy” poses for the camera. Now we have ‘Facebook Wetsers’, which is pretty much the very same thing except with better grammar.

We had ‘Home and Away’ and we still have ‘Home any Away’ (LIKEABOSS!).

We had ‘Cyanide and Happiness’, a comic depicting dark humour and offensive situations. Now we have ‘Rage Comic’, a comic that depicts normal shit with a sudden mad face thrown in.

We had ‘Chuck Norris Facts’, a meme stating incredible facts about the man. Now we have ‘Fuck Yeah! Ryan Gosling’, a site that depicted things that Ry Goz would say to you if you were his girlfriend, usually beginning with, “Hey Girl,”.

We had RickRolling and sure, poor Rick Astley’s been paying the rent off the back of it since!

The world of pop culture and the societal memes that come with it is fluid. Ever changing. It would be impossible to keep up with them all (and a bit sad, probably). Mark my words that if you remember Rick Rolling, someone three years younger than you likely would not. That’s the way of the ipod generation. It all happens in the blink of an eye. The key to staying down with tha kidz is the same one for keeping on top of the housework; little and often. Get yourself online every now and again, have your little sister show you videos on youtube. You’ll be a’ight.

Chuuuuuuuch!

 

 

 

 

Wikipedia, I Almost Love You Enough to Donate!

So I was just about to go on to Wikipedia there to look up Ryan Goslings’ filmography. I’m trying to work my way through his back catalogue, decide if I fancy him or not (I think I do).

So that was fine, except then wikipedia was all:

But.... No....

Blacking out Wikipedia? For 24 hours? But… I have so many questions…

I tried to “Learn more” but then it was really long and boring and all about legislation and crap I don’t really care about so I gave up.

I knew that I shouldn’t panic. “You can just use IMDb to get Ryan Gosling’s filmography.” I told myself. I’d be horrid resourceful like that. So I went to IMDb… ‘All Good Things’ (2010), okay, that might work for my next choice. Who else is in it? Kirsten Dunst. Kirsten Dunst still gets work?! Well good for her. She looks pretty haggard these days I thought, but no, good for her. She tries. But I wonder who she’s dating these days. Last I heard it was yer man from Razorlight (with the face… Johnny Borrell!). Aaaaand BOOM! I’m in a question trap! Wikipedia would usually tell me these things. I don’t have time to traipse all over google trying to find out who Kirsten Dunst is dating! I’m not that interested. My curiosity has a two click limit.

So then I got to thinking about how much I actually use Wikipedia. It was pretty eye opening. That is to say, it opened my eyes to all the ABSOLUTE NONSENSE I try to find out about. I made a list of some of the highlights of my Wiki travels. Then I got embarrassed about it. But then I thought, “You’re the only one who knows about this. You can’t be embarrassed.” So, for no other reason than to justify my shame, Imma go ahead and share the list with you. These are all things I legit looked up on wikipedia for one reason or another within the past month:

• Meet The Parents (One of my all-time favourite movies, no joke!)
• Eddie Murphy (I wanted to find out if he was still disowning Mel B’s baby)
• Pixar
• MoneyBART (Simpsons episode)
• Mongolia, which led me to Ulan Bator, which led me to Chinggis Khaan Airport, which led me to MIAT Mongolian Airlines (I had watched a TV show where they were in Mongolia)
• Street Art
• Compton, California – Crenshaw, California (I’d been watching Spike Lee movies)
• Staffordshire Bull Terrier
• Fugu (I can’t even pretend to have a proper reason for looking this up)
• Christmas Albums By Year
• Kevin Costner
• Afghanistan
• Academy Award For Best Feature
• Walt Disney Parks and Resorts (I was tryna find out how you can get a job as a Disney princess)
• Zooey Deschanel
• List of the Big Bang Theory Characters – Jim Parsons
• ZipRealty (I was probably pretending I was a millionaire and looking for real estate in the US)
• Michael Alig
• Uncontacted Peoples – Kombai – Sentinalese People – Autonomous Regions of India
• Harvey Keitel
• Bananas (Just how nutritious are they?)
• Human Penis Size (Okay, hear me out… My friend and I were talking about whether or not dwarves have regular penises or dwarf penises – they have regular ones, thank you Wikipedia)
• Recursion
• Tumblr – David Karp
• List of Medieval Weapons – List of Premodern Combat Weapons – Personal Weapon – Sword (I was thinking about getting beat up and I figured it’d be much better to get beat up nowadays than it would have been way back when, what with weapon and law evolution and that. Like, it’d be shit to die by the sword! I’d much rather get shot (DON’TANYBODYSHOOTME!!!)).
• The Mexican
• Air France Flight 4590 (Were any celebrities onboard? … No, thank god/damn!)
• Morphology (I have no idea what morphology is but it’s in my browsing history)
• Edwards Air Force Base (Do fighter squadrons operate out of Edwards? I can’t remember the answer… Prolly not.)
• Orchidaceae (I’d watched ‘Adaptation’)
• Milton, Massachusetts (I pretty much yearn to live in suburban America)
• Kelly Clarkson
• 2006 New York City Plane Crash – Cory Lidle – 2009 Hudson River Mid-Air Collision
• Beaver Falls (TV Series)
• 2010 Haiti Earthquake
• Low-Cost Carriers – Lauda Air – Jet Blue – Virgin Atlantic Airways – American Airlines – Air Canada – Al Nippon Airways – Emirates
• Aurora Borealis
• David Letterman – Jay Leno – Jimmy Kimmel – Sarah Silverman
• David Grant USAF Medical Center (No idea why…)
• Carrot (Do they really help you see in the dark? And just why do horses love them so much?)
• List of Fictional Mice or Rats (I got a mouse-themed Christmas decoration and wanted to give the included mice iconic names… I went for Fievel and Tanya Mousekewitz in the end).
• Keypoint, New Jersey (Again, dreaming the suburban dream)

So yeah, that’s mortifying. But it also tells me that maybe I should stop looking up pointless information online and go sort out my life. Maybe I should move to another country or something. I like the idea of Vancouver. I could go running along the seawall. I wonder how long the seawall is. DAMNIT!!!

Yeah, I’ve got a problem.

But then you’re the one who just spent time reading a list of things that someone else has looked up on Wikipedia. Sooooo, who’s the bigger eegit?!… (Prolly still me).