It’s only been on our screens for a week and already it’s must-see TV. Oh yes, I’m talking about Celebrity Big Brother again! And so, for no good reason, I bring you a selection of the ‘So Far On Celebrity Big Brother’ awards, as invented by and voted for by yours truly. “But why only a selection?”, I hear you say. Well, mostly because each one of these categories takes around half an hour to make up and type out humorously and it’s like, almost midnight anseo, so I’ll bring you more another time. For now, make do please!
Most Likeable (so far): Sonia from Eastenders
Member that time when I was like, “I think Sonia will do a Kerry Katona on this one.”?! Imma go ahead and reiterate that.
Noone was rooting for poor ol’ Natalie a week ago. In fact, when she first went in I was kiiiiinda hoping she’d fall, just for cheap laughs. But fall Sonia did not. No, instead Sonia has spent the past week being kind, humble, funny and so generally up for a laugh that one has to wonder what went through her baby daddy’s mind that time he hammered her with a slipper (true story: http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2011/05/31/natalie-cassidy-s-fiance-adam-cottrell-admits-assaulting-her-with-a-slipper-115875-23169385/).
She did that task on the first night where she had to make a bolox of herself by doing whatever BB instructed her to do, she admitted to being constipated (probably TMI but kudos for the honesty), she ingeniously stole Michael Madsen’s hat for the Jedward task and she proved she’s not two-faced when she told Andrew ‘very straight’ Stone, in the nicest display of blatant honesty about someone’s bratty behaviour ever, that she felt horrible energies off him after the nominations were announced.
We like Natalie coz she’s just like us. The difference being that actually, she’s better than us because, while most of us try to hide our true selves by adopting “cool” quirks or pretending to be totally into abseiling or some shit, Natalie doesn’t do that. She’s in there and, as far as this blogger can tell, she’s just being Natalie, warts and all.
You Go Sonia!
Least Likeable (so far): Nicola McLean
I was going to give this award to Frankie but Nicola swooped in at the last minute and nabbed the prize. Why? Coz she’s a fuckin’ bitch!
We all know a girl like Nicola. She’s the girl that has always been pretty but has never been very popular. She’s the girl that other girls hate. She gets on really well with guys but has very few female friends. She secretly longs for acceptance from her own species but also goes out of her way to alienate them. She just looooooves male attention and doesn’t appreciate when other girls have it instead of her.
Nicola seems to start most sentences with, “I’m not being a bitch but…”. Yeah right! So she wasn’t being a bitch when she said of Georgia, “There’s nothing about her.”? I’m not being a bitch but… clearly Nicola is the way she is because she has no absolutely self-esteem. I’m not sure going into that house is the best thing for her to be honest.
Most Suprising (So Far): Michael Madsen
I don’t know what I was expecting from Michael in the beginning but it certainly wasn’t what we got. He’s like, super witty and perceptive! Every time Michael opens his mouth I’m like, “yeeeeeeaah! You totally just called that shit Mr. Blonde!”.
After Natalie and Denise secretly robbed his cowboy hat to give to Jedward the other day, Natasha asked Michael had he found it yet. Michael said,
“I stopped looking for it. If someone took it as a joke then I don’t really give a shit and if I just misplaced it then I’ll probably find it.”
Right on Michael Madsen, right on. He’s like the most laid-back muthafucka in there, just sitting back, shades on, making the most astute judgements on everyone and everything in there.
And how awesome was it when Andrew was all like, “aw I’ve really connected with people in here, especially Michael.” And then Michael nominated him with the reason, “coz he’s a fuckin’ spy!”!? Poor Andy ‘very straight’ Stone thought that they were vibin’, thought that they had a blossoming friendship, thought maybe he could get in with Mr. Blonde and get a role or two. NAH! Mr. Blonde thinks Andy’s a fuckin’ spy! Aw ya just couldn’t write this shit!
Coz he's a fuckin' spy!
Most Hilarious (So Far): Andrew Stone
Andrew ‘very straight’ Stone is, in his own words, “TV gold!”! On the first night I really thought I’d hate Andrew. And in many ways, I do. But, at the same time, Andrew is nothing short of hilarious to watch, in the same kind of way that it’s hilarious to watch fat people falling off things. I dunno if I mentioned this yet but Andrew is very straight. And, for someone who likes the bush, he’s outrageously camp (and as we all know, you just can’t camp in the bush!) and theatrical.
When Natalie nominated him she cited “delusions of grandeur” as one of her reasons. Like, she couldn’t have been more on the money. This guy legit seems to think that he is a huge star, that he’s been around the block, lived a tough life and should be adored by all. All perfectly valid reasons for nominating him but gosh it sure makes for quality entertainment.
Without Andy’s delusions of grandeur he would never have said things like:
“I’m a very big character and I don’t believe anyone could find out who Andrew Stone is in two days.”
Or
“I’ve been very, very, very giving, very loving and very funny.”
Or
“I KNOW my music stuff.”
Although he insisted he was absolutely fine with being nominated, he sulked like a ten-year-old who’s been told they can’t go on their school tour afterwards. When Natalie came forward and told him that he had scared her with his stomping around in the bedroom he COMPLETELYTURNEDTHATSHITAROUND and made her feel bad for saying anything!
And so it appears that the formula for being hilarious on’tellay is as follows: Closeted gay male (delusions of grandeur + amateur dramatics) x Ego (tantrums + denial)
Sidenote: Since I began working on this post our favourite very straight male has been evicted from the Big Brother house. He left the house in a carriage pulled by a white mini pony wearing a little unicorn horn (I swear to god I’m not making this shit up yo!). I guess that makes this award (kinda) posthumous.
QUICKFIRE CATEGORIES:
Least Relevant (So Far): Romeo – The only thing I recall Romeo doing so far is climbing up the ladder in the garden for that first task. C’mon dude! You’re supposed to be the badass heartthrob in there! Step yo game up son!
Dumbest (So Far): Kirk Norcross – It seems a bit moot to use the term “So Far” for this award because Kirk Norcross is the guy who, when asked to pinpoint America on a map of the world, put the pin in Eastern Russia.
Best Effort (So Far): Gareth Thomas – Looks can be deceiving and Gareth is the proof. I thought that Gareth would be a wee bit estranged from the rest of the group. He’s a sports star and seems like a pretty subdued guy. I thought he’d sit back and watch while the others went mad. But did you see him when Andrew was giving them a dance class?! He was the best dancer there!! He gave it proper socks! Kudos to you Gazza my man, kudos!
Finest Bod (So Far): Probably the toughest one to call. Well we all know who it’s NOT going to be (Ahem, Denise, Natalie, Michael, Frankie).
There’s Georgia, but I feel like her body might be just lucky. Like, I reckon Georgia has never seen the inside of a gym. She’s just blessed. So she’s out.
Then there’s Nicola, but she’s admitted that she’s had “eating problems”, so straight away she’s out for setting a bad example.
Romeo’s rockin’ some impressive abs and proved he can do more than one push-up. But we’ve seen so little of Romeo, I just can’t hand this one to him.
Karissa and Kristina have asses that just wont quit!! They also did pretty well in the fitness challenge. We’ve seen them working out in the gym.
But no, even the Playboy twins don’t have anything on the winner of the Finest Bod (So Far) award. It’s only Gareth Thomas! Okay so maybe this is the second ‘So Far’ award he’s received tonight and maybe that’s not completely fair, but it wouldn’t be fair to give this one to anyone else. Gazza is CLEARLY the fittest person in that house. He’s like a gazelle on the treadmill. I mean, he’s gotta have no more than 3% body fat. He’s just a big gay Adonis!
Daaaaaaamn Gazza! Yo abs look tight as fuck!
I dunno. I thought this years’ line up was kinda shitty but now I’m sort of changing my mind. I just hope that it doesn’t go downhill now that Andy Stone has frolicked, limp wrested, off back into the real world. They could always send in Lindsay Lohan… PLEASESENDINLINDSAYLOHAN!!
sureitsallabitofcraic 