Here in Ireland there are certain traditions, rites of passage, if you will, that one must go through in order to be considered a proper person. Making your first holy communion is one. Drinking in secret before a youth disco is another. You have to go to the Gaeltacht for the summer before your Leaving Cert. You have to have the pockets ripped off your shirt on the last day of school. You have to go to Oxegen. You have to run from the feds at least once. And you have to go to Australia for a year.
I was late for my first holy communion (perpetual lateness runs in my family). I drank in secret down the road from my friends’ house before many a youth disco. I went to the French version of the Gaeltacht the summer before my Leaving Cert. I FELLTHEFUCKOUT with the guy who ripped the pockets off my shirt on the last day of school. I did the Oxegen thing thrice (never again). I ran from (and consequently was caught by) the feds in a Dublin park. But I have never been to Australia, nor do I have any interest. This is a revelation that is usually greeted with this face:
I don't know this dude but he wants to know why the fuck I'm not in Australia!
Allow me to explain…
#1. The Heat
Some people tan in the sun. Some people burn in the sun. Me? I just get gifted (plagued) with a whole array of new freckles. When I was little and hated my freckles my mam used to tell me that they’d fade as I got older. They never did. Just another lie to throw in the jar along with Santa Claus and that whole thing about carrots helping you see in the dark. I’d love to be a sun goddess like Megan Fox or Heidi Montag (but like, the old Heidi Montag. Not the new Jocelyn Wildenstein-esque Heidi Montag). Alas, I’m Irish and thus when I go in the sun, I’m more like Monica Gellar in that episode of Friends where they went to Barbados and she got into the intense table tennis match with Paul Rudd. My hair frizzes up, my mood turns sour and I sweat in weeeeeird places (behind the knees, anyone? No?… TMI?… Sorry). I mean, I hate the cold. I HATE the cold. But the heat hates me. And who am I to argue with nature?
#2. The Bugs
Listen right, I’m no wuss. I’m not afraid of the dark. I’m not afraid of heights. I’m not afraid of snakes. I’m not afraid of rats. But I am most definitely afraid of bugs. There’s this spider that shows up in these parts around late August/early September. He’s called the Harvest Spider. He’s fucking massive and I hate his stinking guts! I always make sure to have an Argos catalogue close to hand so that whenever the Harvest Spider breaks into my home I can launch it from a safe, elevated distance and promptly end its rotten little eight-legged life .
My friend was in Australia and said that, once, she left a chocolate bar out on the counter and during the night, the roaches invaded. Also, my brother lives there and told me that when he was working on a site, he was instructed to kick bricks over with his foot before touching them just in case there was a black widow lurking underneath… FUCK. THAT!!
I just wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I lived in Australia. No harm, but how could anyone be comfortable in a country where you have to get used to lizards in your house because they eat the spiders. Nah, you’re alright thanks. I’ll take the devil I know.
#3. The Sheer Vastness
I’ve got family in Perth. I’ve got friends in Sydney. They know each other. They see each other NEVER! Here in Eire, you can have friends in Cork family in Donegal and yiz can all hook up for pints after work on a muthafuckin’ Tuesday if ya want! It’d be a late one, but ya can do it.
But not so when you’re DIN UNDA (that’s my Aussie accent). Perth is like 3000 miles from Melbourne. Melbourne is like 1000 miles from Sydney. And Darwin is like 10,000,000 miles from anywhere. I just can’t even comprehend the vastness of Australia. I mean, I feel isolated when I’m in Galway so there’s just no way I could cope.
#4. The Irish
There are more Irish people in Australia than there are in Ireland. Probably a slight exaggeration but not fucking really either. I guess that’s because it’s an Irish rite of passage to go to Australia. But why go so far away to surround yourself with people just like the ones you’re trying to get away from?! You know how so many Irish people give out about foreigners coming over here? I wonder if that’s how the Aussies feel about us. Probably.
Wayhey! Pints on the beach! Classy as fuck lads!
#5. Nothing To Declare
D’ya ever watch that show? It’s heckin’ brilliant. I watch it on a regular basis. But it makes me not want to go to Australia. Mostly because it seems like they’re a bit egocentric. Like they want Paddy to show them just how much he reeeeeaaalllllly wants into their country. And maybe they’ll think about it for a while before maybe making a decision and maybe give Paddy a visa but then again, maybe not. First he has to go into a private office and tell them a super awesome story about how he has a job secured over the phone and that’s why he only has AUD$1000 with him.Then they go off to make a decision while we at home get shown bits like customs taking fruit of an old Chinese lady or them using what seems like some kind of primitive home HP testing kit to see if “this passenger on a German flight” has any traces of drugs in their luggage. Then we come back to see how Paddy got on and find out that they’re not be obliged to grant him entry at this time. And I’m at home shouting at the telly, “Ah for God’s sake, just let the lad go! Sure he doesn’t mean any harm! Poor Paddy just wants to do the Gold Coast with the boys!” And then sure enough, he gets turned right around just like the conveniently stereotypical poor sod, Damien, in the video below, god love him.
Now. Next time someone pulls that face at me and gasps, “Really?! Why wouldn’t ya want to go to Australia?!”, I’ll just give them a link to this here blog and they can get their answer in five bulleted points in a nice font.
Mind you, I wouldn’t mind taking one of those crocodile tours up in Darwin… Or seeing if the aborigines really are wild alcoholics… Or visiting the real Summer Bay… Hmmm…
PS: I googled “reasons not to go to Australia” and was led to yahoo answers. Props to Munchie 17 for the awesomo list of reasons. I particularly like number 2. Oh heck, I particularly like them all!
Hey! Don't hate on Skippy Munchie 17! Skippy was aaaaalright!
sureitsallabitofcraic 
