It’s Not The Size Of The Dog In The Fight, But The Size Of The Fight In The Dog…

Okay so here’s the deal. For SEVERAL days now I have been trying to compose something intelligible about the Olympics. I have started several drafts, updated countless results and profiled numerous athletes. But now, ten days in, I have come to the conclusion that attempting to write any kind of comprehensive or lucid account of the games whilst they are still ongoing is just shy of impossible. It’s not gonna happen. I just can’t do it. It’s all too much. There’s too much happening. It’s all too exciting. To be honest, I’m so enthralled I can hardly cope.

I’m just in awe of the whole thing. The stadium is magnificent. The enthusiasm is infectious. The pressure is on. The support is overwhelming. The competition is fierce. I’m totally enamoured with the athletes. All of ‘em. The determination. The dedication. The ridiculous physiques. The hours and months of training we didn’t see. The glorious wins and the crushing losses. The favourites and the dark horses. The injuries, the disqualifications, the record breakers, the close calls. They’re better than me. They’re younger than me. I want to see their twitter pictures. I’m even finding myself coming close to emotion at every medal ceremony I witness. Doesn’t matter what anthem is being played, if the medallists are welling up, I’m playing too. I do realise what a ridiculous person I am, but damnit it’s all just so feckin’ inspirational.

Will, Kate and their ever-present third wheel, everyone’s favourite royal, Harry the rascal, have been in attendance at several events, as has David Cameron. Paul McCartney was at track cycling. Bill Gates was at the tennis semi-final. David Beckham has been at the football. Bar Rafaeli cheered on Phelps at the swimming. Even Michelle “Tha Bomb” Obama came over to continue telling everyone to quit being so damn fat.

But this is all so new and unexpected. Three months ago I was wholeheartedly agreeing with my London-based cousin who ranted about the commuting issues she was expecting to face when the hysteria descended. In January, my beloved Christmas ads were replaced with patriotic, Olympic hype from across the Irish Sea. As the Budweiser Clydesdales were put out to pasture for another year and the Coca Cola lorries disappeared over the snowy horizon, we now had Fairy telling us that it takes 20,000 dishes to build an athlete, Ariel telling us that it’s the colours you came in that matter, British Airways commentating an international luggage race through the airport and Usain Bolt racing a bearded dude through London on behalf of Visa.

“This is all we’re gonna be hearing about now for the rest of the year.” I griped.

I hadn’t cared about Beijing in 2008 and I didn’t care now.

I do like this ad for Asics though… 

Except somewhere, sometime, somehow, I kiiiiinda started to care. And then I started to care a little more. And then it was July and I started to get excited. And then it was time for the opening ceremony and I nearly lost the whole run of myself with enthusiasm. I sat through the whole thing. It was amazing.

Since then, I have been riveted. My life has all but come to a standstill. I’m living in constant fear that I might miss something big. It’s really no way/the only way to be living. I’ve become a proper inexperienced expert, with an opinion on how everyone’s doing despite actually knowing jack shit about anything I’m talking about. You can expect to see evidence of this in the upcoming paragraphs.

The other day my brother and I were watching the Kayak Slalom. I’ve never watched a kayak competition before in my life.

“How’s yer man doing?”

“Eoin Rheinisch? He’ll qualify but he’ll not be in the top ten.”

“What’s his time?”

“1.89 something. Slow enough.”

Another evening was spent watching weightlifting with my dad… Yeah, weightlifting.

“How much does this guy have to lift now?”

“78KG.”

“And he’s failed twice so far? Nah. He’ll not do it. That left leg’ll get him again.”

“He might, you know. He almost had it last time.”

Point being? I’m in. I’m on board. I’ve got Olympic fever and I’m loving every second of it. I’m watching athletics and swimming and archery and equestrian and canoeing and weightlifting and diving and gymnastics and rowing and sailing and cycling and judo and volleyball. I’m watching it all. Except for handball. Handball is poxy.

Ireland have a team there. Course we do, bless our little cotton socks. We haven’t done all that tremendously well so far. But God loves a trier so we’ve sent over no less than 65 rosy Irish cheeks to have a go. Poor aul Grainne Murphy didn’t have a great time in the aquatic centre, losing her first race and later deciding to pull out. Leixlip canoeist, Eoin Rheinisch was doing fierce well there for a while but missed a gate in the slalom semi-finals, ending his Olympics in a matter of seconds. Aileen Morrison was our hardcore triathlete. She came 43^rd. Well done.  Kieran Behan, Ireland’s only competing gymnast (who, let the records show, was born in Laaaandan) was done after qualifications. Joanne Cuddihy placed 16^th out of 21 in the 400m semi-finals. As I type, Derval O’Rourke has managed to qualify for the 100m hurdles semis tomorrow. Even back in the RTE studios they’re like, “It’s the first time she’s run sub 10 seconds this season. This race isn’t about winning for Derval. It’s about breaking those barriers for herself.”… Well, good for her, but she’s currently 16^th overall and up against faster women like American runner Lolo Jones and Australian Sally Pearson.

Some of our Irish team. Clockwise (L-R): Swimmer, Grainne Murphy. Canoeist, Eoin Rheinisch. Gymnast, Kieran Behan. Sailor Annalise Murphy. 400m Joanne Cuddihy. 100m hurdler Derval O’Rourke and triathlete, Aileen Morrison.

Still though, while we unreservedly support every man and woman competing in green over there, we can’t be too disappointed. We never had our eggs in those baskets anyway. Nah. We don’t breed swimmers, gymnasts or sprinters here in Ireland. There are three types of athlete bred up in here. The first is the racehorse (Shergar, Rock of Gibraltar). The second is the GAA star (DJ Carey, Davey Fitzgerald, Jack O Se). And the third… Well, the third is boxers. We may not cycle all that brilliantly or have the best archers in the world but by gosh darn it we can give ya a good slap. Kevin McBride, Sam Storey, Barry McGuigan, Steve Collins, John Duddy, Bernard Dunne. Champions.

With this in mind, most of our eggs lie in the baskets of just four people. Paddy Barnes, Michael Conlan, John Joe Nevin and one miss Katie Taylor. All four Irish boxers made it through to their quarter-final matches.

Nevin, Barnes, Conlan and Taylor

Last night John Joe Nevin secured Ireland’s first medal, thrilling a nation. Bronze is his. He beat Mexican, Oscar Valdez in his quarter final bantamweight match. And he looked fuckin’ wrecked when it was over. He’ll fight again for silver on August 10^th.  Also, can I just point out one thing about John Joe Nevin; He boxes for Cavan boxing club (wayhey!!)

But yeah, these are Ireland’s medal hopes. Katie Taylor is Ireland’s own Jessica Ennis. Our face for the Olympics and our biggest bet for gold. She is the current Irish, world and European women’s boxing champion. Back home in Bray she’s been known to spar with fellow Olympic boxer, Paddy Barnes. She was also in that awesome ad for Lucozade sport with Tinie Tempah and Travis Barker. And she’ll fight today. A win guarantees Ireland’s own little fighting machine a bronze medal. It also advances her to the semi-final. A win there guarantees her a silver medal and advances her to the final on Thursday evening where a win would, of course, earn her the coveted and illusive gold.

Here she is showing what she’s made of in a spar against Paddy Barnes: 

Aside from the excitement of the possibility of a medal for Ireland, so much has been going on lads! Have ya seen much of it so far? It’s been treeeeemendous!

The first event that got me all psyched up was the Men’s Synchronised 10m Platform last Monday. Wee Tom Daley was diving with his partner Pete Waterfield (not Waterman, totally different guy). They finished in 4^th place after a bad final dive.

I love Tom Daley. Not in that paedo “phwoar” way that hoards of teenage girls or the pervs that work for Heat magazine do (he was Torso of the Week last week. He’s 18 lads. Don’t be sinners.). Nah, I like him more in a “aw, look at him there! I just wanna pinch his cheeks and carry him home in my pocket,” sort of a way. I watched that documentary on BBC a couple of weeks ago, ‘Diving For Britain’. It was about Tom and his mission towards the Olympics. Now, I don’t cry at movies (cold, black heart, remember?), but I cried watching this documentary. I know, I’m so embarrassed. BUT, like it featured his dad who was his greatest supporter and friend and went to every training session and every competition. He died last year from cancer of the brain. The documentary captured his whole illness and lickle Tom’s reaction. I defy you to watch this and not cry as a dying man talks about his fear that he might not get to see his son compete at the Olympics. My brother said this: “You’re on his twitter now? You do realise that he’s a poncy little wanker, don’t you?” But I don’t. I think he’s a lovely and extraordinarily talented young buck. He’s diving next in the Men’s 10m Platform individuals on August 10^th.

Awwww, Tom Daley. Individual 10m platform. August 10 guys.

The swimming events took place this week too. They. Were. Awesome!!! One name dominated the whole show. Phelps. Now a former swimmer, these games saw Phelps tally up his number of Olympic medals to 22, making him the most decorated Olympian of all time. I mean, the guy is just ridiculous. Thank God he’s giving up. It was like Formula 1 back when Michael Schumacher owned the whole thing. It was less exciting because you just always knew that he was gonna win it. Apparently Michael Phelp’s arms, when spread out, measure 2m across. He’d wrap ‘em around most of us twice! You also have to give love him for that time he was pictured smoking a bong. Oh Mickey, you naughty little scamp! Olympic swimmers don’t smoke weed! Silly pup!

The greatest Olympian of all time, Michael Phelps, in and, uh, out of the pool…

Friday saw the start of athletics. What the Olympics is really all about. I was all over the Women’s Heptathlon. You know why. She’s been the most prominent face of Team GB. She’s everywhere. She was on the cover of Cosmo this month. She’s staring out from magazine pages as the face of Olay. Yeah, I’m talking about Jessica Ennis. I’m not sure any athlete competing in the games right now has had as much pressure on them to achieve as this chick.

Before last week I didn’t really know what a heptathlon was. Matter fact, turns out I’ve been pronouncing it wrong my whole entire life. Hep-A-thlon. No. Hep-TA-thlon. Anyways, so turns out it consists of 100m hurdles, 200m sprint, 800m sprint, high-jump, long-jump, javelin throw and shot put. Guys? That’s seven things!

Jessica Ennis has been heavily publicised this year. She’s had the whole of Great Britain behind her. I’ve been behind her too. We feel like we know her. She’s from Sheffield. She’s got a dog called Myla, a fiancé called Andy and reckons she makes a mean lasagne. She’s relatable. Except get the fuck with that! Jessica Ennis only seems like the rest of us. In reality, when you are getting up to pee at 6am and hoping to god you can get back to sleep for an hour and a half before your alarm goes off, Jessica Ennis is probably sprinting on a track in the cold morning air. When you are griping about having too much to carry in from the car (a top personal gripe of mine), Jessica Ennis is probably working on her javelin throw. When you are struggling to climb the stairs after that really intense 45minute-long zumba class, Jessica Ennis is probably having an ice-bath after a six hour training session. When you are chowing down on a full-Irish and a packet of Rancheros, Jessica Ennis is probably eating three bananas and a bowl of porridge. She’s not like you and me. She’s an athlete. And that’s the reason she won the gold medal in the London 2012 Women’s Heptathlon in what I have decided was the greatest moment of the games thus far.

Heptathlete Jessica Ennis burst into tears as she crossed the 800m line, securing her first Olympic gold.

It was amazing. By the time the last heptathlon event rolled around on Saturday evening; the 800m, Jessica was in the lead. She won her semi-final, earning enough points to make her unmatchable. She cinched the gold and burst into tears as she crossed the line. She ran 800m, eight football fields, in 2minutes 8seconds. Yesterday I decided to run 400m, just to see. I ran it in 1minute and 54 seconds. Almost two minutes. To run half of what Jessica Ennis ran in just 14 seconds more. And I was fit to collapse after. Pathetic.

Saturday, as it turned out, was Great Britain’s most successful day at the Olympics in 104 years as they took home six golds. Jessica Ennis, of course, won the heptathlon. Then there was golds in the Men’s Long Jump. Two rowing golds. Cycling gold and then the thinnest man I’ve ever seen, Somali-born, British runner, Mo Farah won the 10,000m.  Sure it’s all happening lads!

Golds for GB. Clockwise (L-R): Cyclist Bradley Wiggins, Long jumper Greg Rutherford, Tennis champ Andy Murray, 10,000m Mo Farah, Shooter Peter Wilson, Cyclist Victoria Pendleton, Rowers Sophie Hoskins and Katherine Copeland and Heptathlete Jessica Ennis.

Ultimately though, at this point, it’s all about one guy. They call him Usain. He thinks he’s Richard Branson. But he is, in fact, the fastest man on the planet. He loves chicken nuggets, dancing and he regularly tweets pictures of himself playing Call of Duty. He said he’s 95% fit for these games. He also said that, if he feels up to it after the 100m, he might go for gold in the 200m; “for my country, why not?”.

Last night Usain qualified for the 100m finals with a time of 09.87. In the second semi-final Bolt’s fellow Jamaican and training partner, Yohan Blake won with a time of 09.85. Faster than Richard Branson and his high speed broadband. The final was at ten to ten. Eight of the fastest men in the world lined up and millions took ten seconds out of their hectic lives to see who’d take the gold. But you know who took it. You know who’d take it from the start. The Lightening Bolt ran it in 09.63 seconds, a new Olympic record (he would, wouldn’t he) and proof that his winning semi-final time was the result of him not even bothering to try.

Team mates, training partners, rivals, Usain Bolt and Yohan Blake after Bolt’s 100m win last night

He was, predictably, followed by Blake at 09.75 and then American, Justin Gatlin for the bronze in 09.79. It was EPIC! Bolt runs again in round one of the 200m on Tuesday. He’ll win it. Course he will. Look at the big gangly arms on him. No contest.

And that’s pretty much where we’re at so far. The week ahead looks good too, set to be dominated by boxing for us. We’ll see more from Usain Bolt from Tuesday. Little Tom Daley dives again on August 10^th. Dublin girl, Annalise Murphy is sailing today. She’s in with a chance of another Irish medal. With a bit of luck we might see Billy Twomey or Cian O’Connor in the showjumping final on Wednesday. We’ll have some more canoeing, rhythmic gymnastics. Taekwondo begins on Wednesday. And, of course, athletics will go on in the stadium up to Friday.

Then, on Sunday, it will all end. There will be a big-ass ceremony. The athletes will march again. There will be winners and, uh, LOSERS! Muse will play. Take That will play. London will hand over the Olympics to the next host city for the 2016 Olympic Games, Rio de Janeiro. And then… The flame will be extinguished. And I will be devastated. Because the excitement will be over for another four years.

Hold up, wait, I’m getting all melancholic for no good reason! There’s still a whole week to go! There’s so much still to come. So many medals still to be won. It’s not over yet. And to be honest with ya, I’ll probably be back here again next week doing this again.

Oh also, there are no videos of the Olympics available on youtube right now hence why I haven’t embedded any. They’re so darned protective of that shit. Sincere apologies.

Here’s Usain being Richard Branson for the craic…

Stars In The Sky…

Top Gun is one of my all time favourite movies. There’s two and a half reasons for this:

1)     I really love airplanes

2)     I really love the military

½) I really love Kenny Loggins

So today, I have been mostly thinking about the Top Gun sequel and how amazing it’s going to be. If there’s one awesome movie that can be extra-awesomized by the 21^st century it’s Top Gun. A dude from Lockheed confirmed the other day that Maverick will be back and he’s apparently gonna be an F-35 test pilot.

I read this article: http://gizmodo.com/5889737/top-gun-2-is-real-and-stars-a-plane-that-doesnt-fly. These guys obvs don’t like Tom Cruise (which is okay. He’s pretty mental and tiny. He does have a pilots licence though, inspired by this very role.) but they also don’t seem very keen on the F-35, which, I guess, is also fair enough. It’s a notoriously flawed aircraft. But let’s and remember that this is not real life. This is Hollywood. And Hollywood is trying to make a modern, 21^st century movie about fighter pilots. The F-35 is about as modern as it gets before we stumble into drone territory. And let’s face facts, no one wants to see a Top Gun sequel in which Mav flies the aircraft using a remote control. It just wouldn’t be the same. So can we all please just quit “curmudgeoning” and hope that Hollywood will do us good? Paramount is in. Bruckheimer is in. Cruise is in. No word yet on the chick from ‘Witness’ and I’d be very doubtful that Val Kilmer would have any interest, but sure Iceman was only ever a bastard anyways.

Eh, so yeah, anyways, the point was that I was thinking about Top Gun and then I started thinking about airplanes in general which got me to thinking about pilots and how you have to have so much money to become one. And then I was thinking that if I had loads of money I’d fo’ sho’ be a pilot. And then I was thinking about how much money celebrities have and so obviously then I was thinking about celebrities who use some of that money to actually become pilots.

And this is the resulting top ten…

#10. PRINCE HARRY

Prince Harry. He’s the one that did not get married last year. He’s also the one that is a bit of craic. If I was having a party (and if I thought he’d come) I’d definitely invite Prince Harry. He was caught smoking pot. He dressed up as a Nazi for a fancy dress party that time. He called one of his military colleagues a “paki” and a “raghead”. He’s been known to physically attack paparazzi. And he dated that little bleach blonde, orange skinned skaaaaaank, Chelsea Davy. Like I said, Pile O’ Craic.

Anyways, this isn’t about him being a laugh. This is about him being a helicopter pilot. But not just any helicopter pilot. Oh no, these days, little Harry who looked so sad and lost at his mum’s funeral way back when, is now in training to pilot a  muthafuckin’ Apache attack helicopter.

The Apache is famous for being the baddest, flyest, most awesomely awesome piece of weaponry that the military has to offer and training to fly one is no mean feat. Harry initially learned to fly back in 2009 and has been working on his Type Conversion for the Apache ever since with hopes of returning to the frontline in Afghanistan as soon as he’s done training.

That’s much cooler than Prince William’s career as a Search and Rescue pilot.

#9. JAKE PAVELKA

Jake Pavelka. You don’t know who he is. Neither do I really. He was on the American reality TV series, ‘The Bachelor’ in 2010 and, more recently, he was on ‘Dancing With The Stars’ where he did not win. At the moment I belive he is appearing as the celebrity guest host for the Chippendales in Las Vegas. Awesome.

But, before Jake became a womanising, fame hungry television personality and prized jerk, he was a real life pilot flying commercially for Atlantic Southeast Airlines.

Jake learned to fly when he was 12 and went on to become a Flight Instructor before landing a job with ASA, also known as Delta Connection.

Recently, US Magazine reported that Jake’s 15 minutes of fame are up and he’s back in the captain’s seat for Delta. Good enough. I was going to say he was pretty dumb to give up the day job in the first place, but then I thought about all the money he must have made in the past few years and I’ve decided he was actually clever enough.

#8. JAMES FRANCO

Props to James Franco. He’s a fine young man. He’s an actor, we know this. He’s also a producer and director. He’s a model. He’s a philanthropist. He’s a writer. He’s a painter. And he’s also a very highly educated dude. He has a degree in English with creative writing from UCLA. He went to Columbia to study writing. He studied filmmaking at NYU. He is a PhD student at Yale. He is due to attend Houston University this year to study for a doctorate in literature and creative writing. He’s so smart it’s kind of insane.

You may wonder why James is only #8 on this list, especially when you consider what a genius he is. Well, the reason is just that I feel that he lacks any real passion for aviation. Franco learned how to fly in 2006. He did it as research for his role in the movie, ‘Flyboys’ in which he played a WWI fighter pilot. He was asked about it in an interview and had this to say, “I’ve become kind of obsessive about research. I think part of it’s just filling time. I signed onto this at least four months in advance. So I thought, “Well, I have the time, I might as well get my license. So I went every day and I got it.”

See what I mean? There’s no love there.

Watch him be underwhelmed about the whole thing here (if the narrators’ dull voice doesn’t put you to sleep first): 

A much more romantic tale would be that he discovered his love for flight whilst interning at Lockheed Martin in his youth. Alas, it’s not the case. He did intern at Lockheed Martin in his youth, but he discovered a love for maths and not flying. Good one.

So why give him a place on the list at all? D’uh, coz he’s pretty.

#7. ZACH BRAFF

I don’t need to tell you who Zach Braff is. You already know. But, did you know that in addition to being a very funny guy (follow him, go on) Zach Braff is also a licensed pilot? Probably not.

Zach learned to fly in 2008 and got his PPL in November of that year. He says he did it because he had become a nervous flier and wanted to conquer his fears. Says J.D:  “During a particularly horrible patch of travel, I decided I’d take flying lessons. I’d get to know the unknown by unknowing what I had known. Instead of running from my new fear, I’d saunter right up to it and tickle fear’s balls with my peace-sign fingers.”

Turns out it worked a treat. Since then J.D has taken to the air like a duck to water. In 2010, he flew cross-country for the very first time especially to see Ellen… 

He doesn’t make a big deal out of it. He’s not affiliated with any organisations. He doesn’t fly commercially. He owns a single-engine Cirrus, nothing too swanky, which he uses to fly on sunny days. Good for you Scrubs. Good for you.

#6. ANGELINA JOLIE

I’m no feminist but part of me feels like I have to include Angelina on this list just because there’s no other women on it. To be honest, Angelina sort of irritates me. She’s just a bit too intense and serious. Like, I’d say you’d be hard pushed to get a bit of craic out of Angelina Jolie. But that’s besides the point. The point being that Angelina is an aviatrix. Mostly we forget that she flies. Probably because she doesn’t push it on us like some of the higher placed names on this list. But she does.

Angelina first learned to fly in 2005, apparently at the insistence of Maddox, who loved to go to the airport and watch the planes. Since then she has kept up her hobby and told Vanity Fair that she loves it so much because “it’s the only place I’m completely alone, up in the air, detached from everything.” Fair enough I s’pose.

But, of course, the gothic one has her detractors. There’s a barrage of naysayers who deem that Angelina is not experienced enough to fly the Cirrus SR-22 that she splashed out $360,000 on. Some instructor guy from California stuck is oar in saying, “Letting an inexperienced, novice pilot like Angelina Jolie fly it is like giving a Ferrari to a 16-year-old boy. It’s a recipe for disaster. It is the fastest plane in its class. It climbs like a missile. Miss Jolie should fly something more sedate for a while. This airplane is a thoroughbred that needs experience to control.”

Personally I think it ain’t got nuffin’ to do with anyone what kind of plane she flies. If Lara Croft wants to fly an SR-22 and she’s licensed to do so then Lara Croft should fly an SR-22. Heck, if I had her money, I’d take my pick aswell.

Despite being pretty low-key with her aviation interests, Angelina did do a story with Vogue in which she posed alongside a P51. She donned a couture outfit, posed a bit and then hiked up the crisp white pencil skirt, kicked off her heels and took her interviewer for a fast paced flight around the California desert. The resulting pictures are pretty cool I have to admit.

#5. DEXTER HOLLAND

Dexter Holland. You know him. And if you don’t, you’re wrong because yes, you actually do. He’s the singer with The Offspring. He’s pretty fly for a white guy. But he’s also a white guy who flies.

Seems our Dexter is your quintessential overachiever. Apparently being the singer for the worlds favourite pop punk group just is not enough for this Boris Becker lookalike. Nah, Dexter’s got the smarts too! He got a degree in biology from the University of Southern California and then went on to get a masters in molecular biology. In 2006 he ran the Los Angeles marathon. He owns Nitro Records as well as his own brand of hot sauce: Gringo Bandito. And hey whaddya know, he’s also a certified pilot.

Dexter is pretty low-key sort of a guy (well, as low key as a bleach blonde 47-year-old rock singer who owns three aircraft can be). What I mean to say is that Dex doesn’t seem to really give a shit if we know anything about his aviation interests or not. He doesn’t dress up in a pilots uniform and he doesn’t have any association with an airline. Seems like he legit just really likes to fly recreationally. So don’t be expecting any big fanfare at your local airport next time The Offspring roll into town. Just keep an eye out for Dexters Cessna Citation jet with the anarchy symbol on the tail.

#4. MORGAN FREEMAN

Who doesn’t love Morgan Freeman? The mere mention of his name incites the brain to replay his voice in ones head. He’s the definition of a living legend. Shawshank Redemption. Se7en. Million Dollar Baby. March of the Penguins. Invictus. His name is trademarked. He’s environmentally conscious. He’s politically active. He speaks fluent French. He’s brilliant at golf. And he flies planes.

Morgan Freeman wanted to be a fighter pilot when he was a kid. So enamored with flight was he that he joined the Air Force as soon as he finished school. But things didn’t work out for poor Morgan. He ended up working as an Air Force mechanic. Not quite the adrenaline-fuelled career he was after. So, he swapped his dream of being a pilot for a dream of being an actor. And as we all know, that one panned out pretty nicely for him.

It wasn’t until 2002, when he was 65 years-old, that Morgans’ passion was reignited. At the provocation of a pilot friend, he began taking lessons in July of 2002, qualifying with his PPL in October of the same year and by the summer of 2003, Morgan was up and running with a multi-engine rating.

Never one to escape a bit of bad luck (remember his car crash in 2008? No? It was pretty serious. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1041570/Pictured-The-horrific-car-crash-nearly-killed-Morgan-Freeman.html), Freeman got into a spot of bother in 2004 when he broke altitude rules around Teterboro airport in New Jersey. He was banned from flying for 45 days. Naughty, naughty… But Morgan took it like a champ and used the time to get a bit of filming done before taking to the skies again.

Like Harrison Ford, Morgan did an ad for AOPA. Here it is: 

These days Morgan is the proud owner of two Cessnas and a pretty fancy Emivest corporate jet which he uses to fly himself from a to b (“It is so much easier than being strip-searched.”).

Saying all this, Morgan is 75 years-old. So just…. be careful. That’s all.

#3. HARRISON FORD

Word on the street (web) is that Harrison Ford is worth in excess of $200 million. Not really surprising when you consider the fact that he was Han Solo AND Indiana Jones (two movie franchises that I have approximately zero interest in.) For the longest time I’ve pegged Harrison for a sharper, more miserable and less cuddly version of Richard Gere. You see paparazzi pictures of him out and about with Ally McBeal and they look like they’re having a good time NEVER! She trails behind him, arms crossed, stomach growling with the hunger and he attempts to hide his scowl behind a pair of shades. But there’s a but. Harrison Ford is actually a pretty stand up guy and as far as celebrity aviators go, he’s right up there. And here’s the why…

Harrison first began learning to fly in the 60s but he wasn’t able to afford to keep up the training. It wasn’t until he had made a few bob from the movies that he was able to fully pursue his passion. And pursue it, Harry did. Today he’s licensed to fly both fixed wing and rotor aircraft. He owns six planes and a helicopter (“I have more airplanes than it’s fair for anybody to have”), regularly attending fly-ins in Wyoming where he has a ranch and sometimes provides emergency helicopter services for local authorities (he once rescued an ailing hiker from a mountainside. How awesome would it be to be rescued by Harrison Ford?!). He was also one of the charitable who stepped up when the earthquake rocked Haiti in 2010, flying in medical supplies and volunteers on behalf of Operation Smile.

When he’s not too busy flying himself and his co-stars to various movie sets, Harrison also spreads his philanthropic wings by acting as an honorary board member for Wings of Hope, the worlds biggest aviation based charity. From 2004 to 2009 (when he was replaced by Captain Sully. Yay for Captain Sully!) he was the chairman for the Young Eagles program which is a voluntary organization that gives children the opportunity to fly and to learn about aviation. During his time as chairman, old man Ford flew more than 300 young eagles in his various airplanes. Now everybody tilt your head and say, “awwwww.”

Such is Harrisons eminence in the aviation community, that he was invited to fly VIP with the US Navy’s elite display team, The Blue Angels. He flew backseat with Lt. Cmdr. Kevin ‘Kojak’ Davis, (who was killed during an airshow a year later). Here’s the vid: 

Harrison also did an ad promoting general aviation for the Aircraft Owners And Pilots Association AAAAAAAND, in 2010, the National Aeronautics Association awarded him with their most esteemed honour, The Wright Brothers Memorial Trophy, an award established in 1948 to honour those who have demonstrated “significant public service of enduring value to aviation in the United States.” 

Now… Don’t you wish you were as cool as Harrison Ford? I’ll end on a quote from the man himself. This is a gem: “In my life I have two roles. One of them everyone knows about. It provides a means to the other, which I prefer.”

#2. JOHN TRAVOLTA

Face/Off. That’s a great movie. And Jay Travs is a great man. Okay, so maybe he’s a crazyface scientologist and yes, he might have a devastating array of gay rumours surrounding him but that’s for Kelly Preston to worry about. Me? I’m more concerned with his efforts in the sky. And no one, NO ONE, is more showboaty about their aviation skills than John Travolta.

Danny Zuko/Vincent Vega/Tony Manero/Michael the Angel first got his wings in 1974 and has since spent many an hour contributing to global warming in a major way whilst carting his ever growing entourage (waistline) around the world in a Boeing 707 named “Jett Clipper”.

Travs is an ambassador for Qantas (he even did a Qantas in-flight safety video) and, in 2010, in a magnificent display of heroism/desperate bid for a decent photo op, the Jaymeister flew his 707 to Haiti to deliver a fuckload of emergency supplies to the stricken people.

But… Let’s talk about his house for just a second. It’s a heckin’ airport house! I kid you not. John “James Ubriacco” Travolta  lives in this house: That’s a control tower on the roof there. That’s his Qantas 707 parked in the “garage” (couldn’t you have built something a little bigger, Jay?). The smaller one must just be the one he uses for tippin’ about in. You know, for the school run, to the shop for a litre of milk, that kind of thing). The house is in Florida in a place called Jumbolair Aviation Estates. Residents of Jumbolair have the reassurance of a gated community and access to two runways. They have their own (crummy) website and host community events like rodeos and barbeques and shit to which I bet Jay Travs goes to approximately NONE. But that’s okay because he’s John Travolta and he’s better than you.

#1 BRUCE DICKINSON

A’ight, Imma be honest, John Travolta was the original #1 on this list. I was all done with him and his awesome house and his massive plane. But then I started writing about Bruce. And I realised that I couldn’t justify placing him in the #2 position (Yeah, coz this rundown is so massively relevant to all involved!) when he really deserves #1.

For those who just aren’t sure, Bruce Dickinson is the lead singer with Iron Maiden (I LOVE Iron Maiden!)  He’s a great talent as well as a decent guy and an all round heckin’ inspiration! In 2009, ‘Intelligent Life’ magazine said that Bruce was a living example of a polymath. Don’t worry, I didn’t know what it meant either. But google has since informed me that, “a polymath is someone of wide ranging knowledge and learning.” It translates as “having learned much”. In short, my main man Brucey D is a muthafuckin’ genius.

Aside from being the singer in one of the world’s biggest rock bands, Bruce also has a degree in history and an honorary music doctrate. He is an avid fencer, competing internationally and he founded a fencing equipment company called ‘Duellist’. He is a writer, with two books and a movie on his resume. He is also a successful radio host and television presenter. And to top it all off, Bruce is a commercial pilot.

Where John Travolta uses his skills and money to haul his own ass around the world in a jet, Bruce puts his skills to a considerably more considerate use. He was a captain for British airline, Astraeus, flying passengers to their destinations around the world in a 757. He also captains Ed Force One, carrying his bandmates, their crew, equipment, and sometimes even fans from city to city on Iron Maiden tours. In 2006 he flew around 200 British citizens home from Lebanon when there was major conflict going down. In 2008 he stepped up again and flew 180 stranded British citizens home from Egypt. He flew troops out of Afghanistan aaaaaaaaand, after Hurricane Irene last year, Bruce was one of the first pilots ready to fly out and help. I mean, come aaaaaaan!!! What a stand-up guy!

He made this awesomeo TV show called ‘Flying Heavy Metal’, which I have on DVD somewhere (actually it’s pristinely stored in my aviation/military dvd case along with other winners like ‘Ross Kemp In Afghanistan’ and ‘Air Crash Investigation’) in which he took a look at, and often flew, different types of aircraft.

After Astraeus went defunct just there last November, Bruce had quite a bit to say;

“I’m amused that the less well informed seem to be portraying me as having to resort to busking on the streets following the closure of Astraeus. The more astute members of my circle are aware there’s rather more going on in my world. Firstly, I’m already working on a plan to save Astraeus, or at least create a new business with jobs for my friends and former colleagues. This is a serious plan involving people who are very good at their jobs. Secondly, I am also involved in a project which could mean the creation of as many as 1,500 jobs in aerospace in South Wales. Thirdly, I’m a long way into the development of a flight training company – Real World Aviation – which will be perfectly placed to help address the aviation industry’s perennial challenge: producing new and qualified pilots.”

Yipes. And all in the same year that Iron Maiden’s ‘The Final Frontier’ album went to number one in TWENTY EIGHT MUTHAFUCKIN’ COUNTRIES! Good. Man. Bruce.

He’s a class act. An inspiration, I said. Who said rock stars can’t be good role models?! Superiority, thy name is Bruce.

HONORABLE MENTIONS ALSO GO TO:

– Dr. Phil McGraw who has been flying since he was 16

– Clint Eastwood who flies helicopters to avoid traffic

– Giselle Bundchen who also flies helicopters (fair play)

– Kris Kristofferson who worked as a helicopter pilot both in the military and commercially

– Kurt Russell who got his PPL back in 1992

And finally, a shout out to the late, great Patrick Swayze who flew as a private pilot for years and once miraculously escaped injury when he crash landed his Cessna on a suburban road in Arizona. His wiki page says this: “According to the police report, witnesses said that Swayze appeared to be extremely intoxicated and asked for help to remove evidence—an open bottle of wine and a 30-pack of beer—from the crash site.”…  Hahaha!! Good man Pat! That’s the way to do it!