Okay so I know I’m a little tardy to the party here but I’ve only just gotten around to watching the Golden Globes. It was either that my life is so fulfilling and action packed that I just didn’t get a second to sit down and watch, or that my life is so barren and action lacked (just made that up right there, no messin’!) that I just couldn’t be bothered. In reality, it’s probably that I was far too busy watching something else, seeing as I spend most of my time staring at screens. I watched The Borrowers last Sunday… I know…
Aaaaaanyways, the Golden Globes went down. All the stars dressed up in their best Sunday mass outfits and showed up. They showed up because, as I’ve become aware over the years, the entertainment industry is one that sure loves to congratulate itself. Is not acting still just a profession at the end of the day? I mean, you don’t see plumbers getting all snazzed up and heading to the Plumbers Association Awards. What would that entail? Best Burst Pipe reparation… Best Plumber in a Crisis Situation..
“Accepting the award is John Smith of Smith And Sons Plumbing Solutions.”
“Oh God, I don’t know what to say! Thanks so much. Um, well I’d like to thank my Mam and Dad for ringing yer man from over the road and getting me an apprenticeship all those years ago. I’d like to thank Alan Smith, who has let me away with borrowing the van for personal use many a time. I’d like to thank Handy Hardware for providing me with the chain pipe vice that I used in this job. Couldn’t have done it without you. Most of all, I’d like to thank Jane Jones, the woman who didn’t insulate her pipes in the cold weather. Jane, you’re one in around five. It was a pleasure to work with you, to leave dirty footprints in your house, to drink your tea, to mend your rusty pipes. Thank you. Thank you all.”
The Golden Globes, The Oscars, The Baftas, they’re all just the acting profession equivelent of the Plumbers Association Awards (The PAAs don’t exist, except for in my mind)
No way... I stand corrected...
Ricky Gervais was the host… Again. And he seemed to be the only one aware of just how pretentious and self-indulgent the whole thing really is. He introduced Natalie Portman and was like, “last year our next presenter won both the Golden Globe and the Oscar for her brilliant performance in Black Swan. This year she took some time out to have a baby. Consequentially she’s been nominated for nothing. Pathetic. But she’s learned that valuable lesson that all you already knew. never put family first.”
Of course, most of the sarcastic undertones of Ricky’s gags went over the heads of the yanks who mostly just laughed when they saw Helen Mirren laugh first.
There were winners and losers. Modern Family won. I don’t watch that. Homeland won. I don’t watch that either. The winners were pretty much all from shows that I don’t watch and therefore have nothing to say about. But I’m not here to give you a rundown of the winners anyway. I’m here to make a mockery of the celebrities, which, let’s be honest, sounds way more fun. Riiiiiiiiiiiight?!
So, they were all there anyways. Reese Witherspoon looked BANGIN’!! I mean, you almost wouldn’t notice her SUPERPOINTYCHIN! Angelina Jolie looked pretty good aswell, but she still looked pretty dangerous. For someone who does so much charity work and shit, Angelina sure looks like a menacing bitch! I don’t know what it is about her exactly but she always looks like she probably has a handgun hidden in her bra in case anyone tries to breach her personal space and she knows how to use it. An honorable mention must go out to Salma Hayek who brought the twins out for the occasion.
Reese and her chin... Angelina's packin' heat... But so is Salma..
Our favourite granny-carrying ball of emotions, Kate Winslet won the award for Best Actress in a Mini Series. She wasn’t as gushy as I expected. I thought she’d throw in a few “oh God”s or at least cry a little bit, but she kept it pretty tight. Still got the embarrassing “wrap it up” music though.
Speaking of gushing, can we talk about Michelle Williams? Her acceptance speech for Best Actress in a Musical/Comedy was comprised of her going on and on about the child she has with Heath Ledger. I don’t run around thanking my brother for accomplishments I make in my job. I mean, even Ricky Gervais said, “No need to thank everyone you’ve ever met, or members of your family, who’ve done nothing!”. Heath Ledgers kid did not contribute to you winning this award Michelle Williams. Matter fact, she probably hindered your chances. You won the award despite being a mom, not coz you’re a mom… Moms eh?!
Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy presented some award, I dunno which one, but they did this: Which gains them esteemed entry into my Top Most Favouritest Celebrity Couples, alongside such pairs as: Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi, Seal and Heidi Klum, Jay Z and Beyonce, Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson (I’m feeling inspiration for a whole new blurb here!)…
Leonardo DiCaprio was there. He looked thrilled to see Scorsese win Best Director. But when Ricky was talking about Kim Kardashian the camera cut to Leo and he had a face on him that said, “I have absolutely no idea who Kim Kardashian is. I’m trying to look like I care. I’m so bored. What time is it? Is my car almost here to get me outta this kip I don’t want any of these lowly, dirty TV actors touching me.” And that’s fine because he’s Leonardo DiCaprio and he’s better than the Golden Globes. Matter fact, they should be thanking their lucky stars he bothered his arse showing up.
Speaking of showing up, where the fck was Ryan Gosling?! The man of the hour! Nominated for TWO Golden Globes! Even I’m a Ry Goz convert. Like, I’d DEFINITELY shift Ryan Gosling (and that’s despite the fact that he’s not conventionally good-looking and he speaks with that weird New York/Bostony kind of accent even though he’s totally from Canada, whatthefuckisthatabout?!). But there was no sign of him at the Globes. You’re not Leo DiCaprio, Ryan. You get nominated for TWO Golden Globes, . you should prolly show up. Maybe he was too cool for the Globes just like he was too cool for that TIME magazine award for being the Coolest Person of The Year. Can you imagine being that cool?! Man it must be cool to be Ryan Gosling… Cool.
Sidney Poitier did a tribute to Morgan Freeman. Sidney Poitier is a very old man. As a result of this the tribute resembled a very boring reading during mass recited by the 84 year-old man from down the road and thus, natural reaction meant I kind of zoned out and thought about other things until he was done talking. I do know though, that Morgan Freeman was wearing only one glove (What.. thefuck?) and that when he said, “It may be known as the Cecil B. DeMille Award but in my house it will always be known as the Sidney Poitier award” , I actually thought Sidney was dead on his feet. Absolutely no reaction. Like, I thought maybe someone should just check his pulse real quick.
Sad Boy - Better Than You Boy - Poor Boy - Lovely Boy
Not a whole pile else happened really. Owen Wilson was there. ‘Midnight In Paris’ was up for Best Picture. Ah god love him. It’s hard for Owen to find his place in the Hollywood scene after the whole “trying to kill himself” thing happened. He’s too well known as a comedy actor to play serious roles but we can’t enjoy him in comedies anymore because we know that he’s not a happy-go-lucky scamp at all. He’s a very damaged man. Shit, what if Luke becomes the higher earning Wilson brother!? No, seriously, it’s nice Owen got nominated at least. Might lift his wee spirts a bit.
Oh, can I also just say, I’m ever so pleased that Matt LeBlanc won Best Perfomance in a Television Series! I was feeling a bit sorry for poor Matt of late. The work had kind of dried up after ‘Joey’ got cancelled. He got a bit fat and grey. Him and the wife divorced. He was just a bit pathetic. So I’m glad to see him get some validation. Makes me feel like we’re less likely to read a story about him being found floating in a swimming pool somewhere. Even Matts acceptance speech seemed a bit melancholic and self-deprecating. When thanking the writers he said, “They write a Matt LeBlanc that’s way more interesting than the real thing. I wish I was him”. Awwww, poor Matt LeBlanc.
Other highlights of the show were:
– The Dog from The Artist joining the rest of the cast onstage to collect the award for Best Picture and doing some tricks! He looked a lot like Eddie from Frasier. Member him? Maybe it is Eddie! Maybe after Frasier wrapped he went on and followed his dream to be a movie star and now he’s made it! Damn, if only they’d cut to Kelsey Grammar at that exact moment, we’d have had our answer.
(EDIT: Eddie from Frasier is dead.. Boo! http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,1208083,00.html)
– Queen Latifah bringing some sleaze to the Globes. Bitch Queen L is so muthafuckin’ hood that dress prolly made outta her cash!
– Mark Wahlberg looking like he’d rather be anywhere else. Just like he constantly does. I’d say he is a massive drag to be around. Every party has a pooper and the pooper is Mark Wahlberg.
– Jake Gyllenhaal brought his lovely self out to present an award. Nout wrong with a bit of Jake Gyllenhaal upon an awards show.
So yeah. Then Ricky Gervais ended the show with, “I hope you enjoyed the goodie bags and the champagne and the gold. I hope it took your mind off the recession for a little while. Thanks. Good night.”, and then everybody went and got bananas… Except for Mark Wahlberg. He prolly just went home.
FULL!
sureitsallabitofcraic 